Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Yelp – 2/5 Stars and 3/5 Stars

Yelp
Mass Media
140 New Montgomery St
San Francisco, CA 94105

Updated review

Yelp’s new photo-centric layout sucks. Is yelp turning into food Instagram? On top of that, all of the large browser-size photos featured are of MEAT.

L A R G E – M E A T – P H O T O

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Useful: 12  Funny:Cool: 3

2/2/2017

Previous review

I am surprised that Yelp removes reviews from its own page! It/robot/they/intern removed my review from their page citing it contains inappropriate content per case #3071386. I am unclear whether it’s the language or the sentiment in itself that is more inappropriate, but I’ll censor the (what I believe he/she/it/they believes is) naughty language so that this review stays up this time!

Removed review:

There’s something oddly phallic about women who post pictures of their nails for nail salons on Yelp. It strikes me as odd that every time I log onto Yelp, I am greeted by pictures of painted fingernails posted for nail salons. It’s almost the equivalent of the woman’s (CENSORED) pic. It seems to be a movement that is not gay per se – but cultivated around a community of self-pleasure around their own/others fingernails, i.e. people who think their cuticles are the shit. An “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” comparative on coloring, girth, and of course size. Ask a straight guy who throws his (CENSORED) pic around the net and he’ll swear up and down it’s not sexual, well maybe sexual but more of an autocratic sexuality – the pleasure of being admired or watched. That’s kind of what I have come to expect with nail pics, it’s a pleasurable, maybe sexual experience to know that people are checking out and admiring her fingers.

Maybe it’s a feminist reclamation of the body because most guys care as little about nails as women do about dicks, or conversely care as little about nails as other parts of her body. Or, the painted fingernail is not about the guy being put into the equation at all. I don’t think guys care about nails or seek them out as I saw one set of painted nails on Yelp, aquatic blue with white anchors painted in the middle get like 50 likes, by not one guy, and by at least three Tricias.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

1/2/2015

Previous review

  • Yelp has given me more open doors for getting my foot into places than my undergrad Journalism degree ever could. (Surprise! Your Yelp reviews make more interesting portfolio pieces than the ones about college.)

  • Ruby at Yelp keeps wanting me to know that Ruby has deleted my reviews.

Before deleting reviews Ruby, please look up the description of the modifier you use to flag a reason to censor someone.

To lack a ‘substantive’ consumer experience means:

The consumer experience reflected on my 300-word description of my first-hand experience with the property wasn’t um ‘real’. Say it, Merriam-Webster.

Oh, but it was real Ruby! I don’t make things up. Maybe what’s real to you is news to me but if being a tool throughout your sheltered life has never gotten you laid yet Ruby, I am certainly happy to say that I am not offering my services, whether ‘substantive’ or imagined to you.

I even wrote to Yelp regarding this dilemma of Ruby censorship. I sent the case number in. Veronica, who responded back a few days later, didn’t care to look into the case number before presuming I was complaining about my reviews being filtered and sent me over a generalized FAQ about Yelp’s filter system.

Yelp your platform is cool but the people you pay to censor or shirk more ‘substantive responses to the people you regulate, are the tools of tools. Yelp is popular because of the people you don’t pay. If you let Ruby off the leash any more than you do, it may implode.

Check me out. I’m Chris G. I’m legit. I have old faded pink Elite badges next to my name. I had a review of the day once. It wasn’t a cute puffed-up anecdote about a place I was raving about either!

(Surprisingly.)

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

1/9/2013