Month: August 2021

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sparadise – 4/5 Stars

Sparadise (Hollywood Thai Massage) – CLOSED
$$ Massage, Massage Therapy, Waxing
5909 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

A great deep tissue massage I had, mostly thanks to Groupon.

While I essentially paid as much as what I would have paid within a two-mile radius at any other Thai massage place with their ‘discounted’ $40 rate on Groupon, I felt like Sparadise was well worth the price. I actually got it for a discounted rate on top of another discounted rate for $28 due to a promotion on top of another promotion on Groupon, ha! They also offered a non-Groupon rate for three massages at $120 or so. I don’t feel bad or guilty for calling them out on milking Groupon because this massage place is really booming with their 1000+ buyers. Thus it seems like they have a pretty healthy business going on that survives around their Groupon deal. It’s also a smart idea in a way because it gets people like me in the door who otherwise wouldn’t come in.

This tiny place has a campy elegance about it and looks as fancy as a nice boutique hostel. The reception service is as appropriately shoddy as what I would expect from a $40/hour type of place, which I didn’t mind. Yesterday, I came in at 1 p.m. and the receptionist asked if I had a Groupon and looked for availability on her computer. She told me there was none and instead of giving me an appointment for tomorrow, she said someone would call me back about an appointment tomorrow. I guess I was on the ‘standby’ list until around 8:40 p.m. when I got a call from a 323 number and I answered the phone. I said ‘hello’ and the Sparadise receptionist emphatically said in a heavy Thai accent ‘massage – come in right now, come in right now!’ There apparently was a last-minute cancellation, I followed her orders and came in.

I came in at 8:50 p.m. (I live a mile away). The receptionist gave me an up-sell speech about getting the $120 rate for three massages and that she would happily cancel the Groupon. I politely said no way and filled out the form. She asked me what kind of massage I wanted. I said ‘deep tissue’. I didn’t know if they would even do deep tissue with the Groupon but she said okay. A few minutes later, she took me to a dark room and told me to unrobe but to keep on my underwear and lay face down on the massage table. I unrobed, put my wallet and my phone under my pants and shoes. I left my underwear on and waited with my head in the hole for what seemed like 10 minutes.

When the masseuse came in, she greeted me and began doing the deep tissue massage Thai style. She jumped up on the table and began standing on top of my upper calf using it as a balance as she began doing a dance between my calf and other parts of my legs, butt, and back. I was worried that she would fall off if I flinched so I tried to stay as still as possible. She then got off my calf and went through the motion of thoroughly kneading my back and it was painful but good. At some point, hot stones were dumped on top of my back and she caressed my legs with them and placed them on my hands. That really did nothing for me, but I am glad I experienced a ‘hot stone massage’ if that’s what it was. I emphasized wanting a hard massage on my shoulders and back and she delivered.

When it was over, a tiny mug of room temperature water was served over a table with a gratuity chart under the glass on top of the table that emphasized that the standard gratuity is $15-20 per massage. I thought half of that was more appropriate. That’s what this Groupon did for me and I am glad I came here. And I can now safely say that I am officially DONE with getting massages from Groupon.

Useful: 7 Funny: 5 Cool: 3

4/9/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Pink’s Hot Dogs – 3/5 Stars

Pink’s Hot Dogs
$ Hot Dogs
709 N La Brea Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90038

If hot dogs are the opiate for the masses then this place is a megachurch. This place was empty the time I went. I was close to Pink’s Hot Dogs, hungry and the line was not longer than three people standing there so I decided to try a Pink’s hot dog. The line was so quick, that I still needed another minute to see if they would take credit cards and if there was a minimum amount needed to order (they do take cards and there was no minimum charge). So I let the pacing dude with a backward hat, shin-length shorts, and a skateboard behind me order first.

It was 11 am. The mood of all of us Hollywood rednecks queueing to form the long line that made this place famous was already becoming electric. I knew if I didn’t eat then and there, then I probably would not come back. It was seriously do or die.

I can look up the fancy title for the vegan hot dog with guacamole I got but I am frankly too lazy and it is insignificant enough for anyone to give it a name. The most important thing about it is that it is the only veggie option at this place. So the only veggie option here is what I ordered. It was as good as boiling a tofu pup, putting it on top of a fresh Oroweat hot dog bun, and adding Del Taco-grade guacamole on it. It was very, very simple, plain, and about $4. As Warhol once said, a coca-cola is always equally satisfying, it is never better or worse than the one before it or the one after it. But with hot dogs.

Useful: 4 Funny: 4 Cool: 3

5/4/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Philz Coffee – 3/5 Stars

Philz Coffee
$ Coffee & Tea, Breakfast & Brunch
801 S Hope St
Los Angeles, CA 90017

I remember being in an SAT prep class in high school and having picked my nose that it began to bleed uncontrollably fast all over the desk. I ran out of the classroom with the bloody nose to the hallway bathroom. Nobody said anything as I ran out covering my nose, as it was an advanced class so everyone was inhibited and good.

When I got back, there were drops of blood all over the top of my desk that nobody was looking at. Everyone was too into their own world, trying to read faster. That moment kind of dawned on me when I realized I was sitting very isolated on a communal table at Philz Coffee with a large hot black coffee that spilled down my arm and onto the desk.

I quickly pressed 3-0-3-3 to open the bathroom door and pour water over my burning arm. When I got back, everyone that is sitting a foot or two away from me is still on their laptops and ignoring the big brown puddle of coffee.

Everything about how this place runs is robotic, too. It makes me wonder whether the coffee shop makes the people this way or the other way around. Philz, not just at this location, is made like a conveyor belt for a caffeinated human. The clockwise line to the baristas, to the cashier to the big power-stripped communal table to the exit is so over-practical in a way that I feel like some places are only made for walking, others for waiting and others for sitting.

Order, – here –
Wait, – here –
Work, – here –
Socialize, – here –
Exit, – here –

The coffee however is good. Everything is pour-over, so medium coffees type 1 2 3 4 5 & 6 have such-and-such notes. I got the barista who just loved making coffee and made me her own special blend. It tasted fine. I grimaced when I tasted the dry chocolate essence of the Mocha Tesora. And I love how the big inedibly fresh mint leaves take up half the drink, not.

Useful: 3 Funny: 6 Cool: 4

1/15/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Trader Joe’s – 4/5 Stars

Trader Joe’s
$$ Grocery
1600 N Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Trader Joe’s used to be my favorite grocery store until about 2013 when TJ refused to open up a location in Downtown LA. They had such a major chance to be THE grocery store in those parts. And after that moment in time – something struck a very painful chord that I couldn’t ever rely on Trader Joe’s being there for me again. It’s like seeing my old favorite market slowly disintegrating with the tides of time. It is probably too inexpensive and a bit too mediocre for the next gilded wave of gentrification in Los Angeles, and will soon be systematically replaced by Whole Foods or Sprouts or – barf – Lassen’s. It is also like seeing something you loved but took advantage of over the last decade wither away that there is anxiety now attached with it. This grocery chain is languishing, not expanding, and has closed its next closest store in West Hollywood.

Their prepackaged foods, desserts, and other goodies that I have come to love about this place probably don’t match up with Equinox opening up across the street here. But even if their yummy and inexpensive vegan trail mix cookies, falafel wraps, chia strawberry smoothies are a throwback to the good ol’ 2000s, they are still three of my favorite things.

The people are so friendly too – that it reminds me of how anti-social I am. Whenever I come to Trader Joe’s, I always wear a jacket or a very plain shirt because cashiers at Trader Joe’s always start conversations about my shirts. I don’t want to know about your sister attending OTIS next spring. Or on the flip side, that OTIS – as in the elevator company – is props-worthy. I don’t care that you know of someone who’s been to Puerto Rico or ‘scored’ a Jimmy Kimmel t-shirt too. (I found mine at Goodwill.) It reminds me of how having a lot of tattoos helps with hooking up with people. Whenever I hook up with someone, they usually start with a tattoo, stroke the skin, and start a conversation about my bird, or guillotine, or whale. But it’s at the checkout stand and I don’t want to come, I want to go!

Useful: 2 Funny: 5 Cool: 1

7/15/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: gré Coffeehouse & Art Gallery – 5/5 Stars

gré Coffeehouse & Art Gallery
$$ Art Galleries, Coffee & Tea, Vinyl Records
278 N Palm Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262

One of the things that first drew me to Yelp from a decade ago was finding a cool, and very deserving business that needs praises and recognition out there to know that it is cool and out there!

This coffee shop, only a three-week-old infant as I am writing it, is a very ambitious and unusual one. It feels a bit off-the-beaten-track but it is really in the middle of everything in Palm Springs. While it serves as good of iced coffee as I’ve had in the area, the person who runs it is an awesome black and white photographer with her edgy erotic photographs on the wall who not only spins vinyl records in a record player but invites people to pick and choose stuff to spin. There is definitely a great atmospheric vibe here and how I wish I could’ve taken her up on her offer to switch up the music but the music was already perfect for the vibe.

Important things to note are that it is located about a block away from the Amtrak bus stop to Fullerton/Riverside and inside of a historic-esque shopping center. They’ve also got live events, which actually sound quite fun. Usually, I find my writing hand to be lackadaisical about a ton of one-stop businesses that need not my cool-ish praises or lukewarm criticism to join the hundreds or thousands of people that have already reviewed them, but this place was truly a surprising and quite an exciting find. Wish something like this would come along in my big town!

Useful: 9 Funny: 2 Cool: 5

8/7/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Dave’s Gourmet Korean Food – 4/5 Stars

Dave’s Gourmet Korean Food – CLOSED
Korean
1277 N Wilton Pl
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Los Angeles desperately needs food stands that are not exclusive to farmers’ markets. This food stand, which can be found at farmers’ markets, does not have a fixed location. That being said, do not go to 1277 N Wilton Place Los Angeles, CA 90028. ‘Dave’s Gourmet Korean Food’ at 1277 N Wilton Place is not open here and looks like has been abandoned for three or four years.

If they make the actual food at this location, delicious things can be made in ugly packages! I really only like the $5 container of Spicy Tempeh. It is incredible. The tempeh is freshly cooked and tender and comes with a perfect amount of spice. I never really get anything else, as I have tried a few other vegetable-based things, but they are forgettable in a Whole Foods salad bar kind of way. Some of the food is pickled and some are pickled vegetables. I think that charging the same $5 price for spicy cucumbers is ridiculous. I tried the cucumbers based on a mistake as a kind of curt longhaired woman at the Silver Lake location once gave me cucumbers rather than the spicy tempeh and left me feeling hungry after eating them.

Useful: 8 Funny: 2 Cool: 2

11/4/2012

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: High Voltage Tattoo (LA Ink) – 5/5 Stars

High Voltage Tattoo
$$$$ Tattoo
1259 N La Brea Ave
West Hollywood, CA 90038

Although my perspective is of someone who was behind the scenes as a hairless cat sitter of LA Ink, and not of a High Voltage client, I can vouch my client friend is very happy with his tattoos here. And it’s quicker than one might think to get tattooed here. It would be during the hours the film crew isn’t here and definitely depending on the tattoo artist working.

The film crew was completing the final scenes when my friend and I visited. My friend was a guest on the LA Ink show earlier that day. Kat had just finished the singer of Alkaline Trio’s “Hello Cleveland” tattoo and left for an interview. I was introduced to names but I spent most of the time minding one of the hairless cats, making sure it didn’t escape from the dressing room. In other words, I closed the door if anyone happened to open it. All the while I was drinking blue Jones soda.

Useful: 3 Funny: 3 Cool: 3

12/18/2007

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Outer Limits Tattoo – 5/5 Stars

Outer Limits Tattoo & Body Piercing
$$ Tattoo, Piercing, Jewelry
2981 Bristol St
Costa Mesa, CA 92626

As my face has broadened, the labret holes I have had pierced here have remained the same since I was 18. I often wonder whether I’ll put the jewelry back in because it makes me feel so different as if I was wearing all black with inappropriate shoes and pomade in my hair, stealing candy from Sweet Factory at the mall in the early 2000s, and being simultaneously yelled at by Trudy and Sherrie for looking incorrect at the mall job I worked at. I looked this way on purpose, fags.

Piercings gave me an air of confidence, in a way that is subliminal to the life I’m living right now. I miss my piercings. I miss the air of confidence that I had that wasn’t forced. Now it’s forced because I’m here. Here, in a mainstream way. I miss the confidence I had when I went to places I should have stayed away from and got black eyes from kicks that weren’t meant for me, smoke being blown in my face in Pomona, watching porn in prom limos, and being committed to an inpatient facility because of aforementioned piercings.

I wasn’t sick. I was rebellious. Micah, I believe his name was, from Outer Limits drew me a tattoo after I got pierced here. It was of a bonsai tree but it was a brutal bonsai tree. The tattoo would have covered my whole back. I didn’t want it, so I flaked on going through with it. He moved to Washington and all my friends with their new tattoos were heartbroken. This was years ago, and I’m not sure whether they’re satisfied with their tattoos still. For a lot of them, X does not equal what it did many years ago. if you know what I mean!

Today, I still like tattoos but I like full-bodied tattoos or sleeves in which there is no focal point but a flood-like intricate pattern. My friend had a race with his then-wife/ex-girlfriend/whatever on who could get the most tattoos and now both have full sleeves and tattoos up to their necks/abdomen/legs. She went upward, he went downward. It’s overwhelming but it’s hot because I wouldn’t even know if either of them had a “bad” tattoo. It’s like looking at graffiti art at a venue or club and thinking, “this is so cool” when in reality, some of the designs are unremarkable but as a pattern, they look so neat.

Useful: 7 Funny: 3 Cool: 8

4/17/2008

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Tribal Cafe – 3/5 Stars

Tribal Cafe
$ Juice Bars & Smoothies, Delis
1651 W Temple St
Los Angeles, CA 90026

This place is disorganized, and incredibly expansive, expansive, expansive, keeps expanding ideas and making them broader and broader, rather than rich. Let’s talk about working for a high-end fashion atelier that’s trying to turn into a marijuana dispensary and create a menu out of smoking from a crystal-encrusted glass pipe.

They’re taking on so many completely different types of foods that the result looks like a series of very confusing salads. Why not just tear down the kitchen wall, turn into a hippie Hometown Buffet and offer a create-your-own salad bar?! So I think the harshest criticism I could give this place is that it offers too many options on their menu that are pretty half-baked after they’re baked. Their menu is a mess. It’s confusing. I think of what religion must have been like in the 1000s. Their menu consists of these large white confusing sheets of scrolls of proclamations side by side, four or five of them. Some of them have vegan sprinkled on to them. Some have wraps and burgers, then a tidal wave takes us from the Mediterranean to Vietnam to the Philippines. There are so many food options, their employees don’t even know them by name, but by letter and number combinations. I think the Bahn Mi Bowl was ‘B2’.

By the way, they got the number wrong for the ‘B2’ and the results looked -very- creative for a Bahn Mi Bowl. At first, went with it. I tried to make it taste like a Bahn Mi in my mind, but now I realized I just got the wrong food order after looking at the menu online. It was a Curry Spice Veggie & Quinoa Bowl but strangely with freshly cut apples on top. Try imagining me imagining that be a Bahn Mi. It was an awkward combination of fresh warm kale, quinoa, a medley of vegetables, and cold apples on top. It didn’t have the peanuts and pickled carrots I was hoping for. But I am glad this kale salad wasn’t tossed because I was enjoying all of these different types of vegetables separately. The ingredients were very fresh and pristine!

Hence, I conclude that, in totality, the food is very hit or miss. But because the ingredients are incredibly fresh, they’ve gotten a provisional 3.5/5 Stars. I’ll be back to try something a bit more safe and popular in the future.

Useful: 0 Funny: 3 Cool: 0

7/23/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cementiri de Montjuic (Spanish Translation) – 4/5 Stars

Cementiri de Montjuïc
Funeral Services & Cemeteries
Carrer de la Mare de Déu de Port, 56 – 58
08038 Barcelona
Spain

Los lugares donde se entierran a los muertos incluyen sitios, como Montjuïc, que tienen esculturas de figuras femeninas que representan un gran amor que conecta la vida con la muerte. Creo que los europeos tienen una mejor relación con sus antepasados que los estadounidenses porque usan sus cementerios mucho más. Muchos cementerios europeos parecen parques porque tienen grandes árboles y plantas encima de las tumbas. Aunque Montjuïc es un lugar de prostitución en algunas de sus áreas, las barceloneses usan el lugar para andar y hacer ejercicio. (¡Lo hice también!)

Después de más de mil años, miles de ciudadanos han descansan bajo tierra, y muchas de sus historias son representadas con esculturas. Las esculturas de Montjuïc incluyen obras de arquitectos y urbanistas como Leandre Albareda, Antoni M. Gallissa, Rossend Nobas, Eusebi Arnau, Rafael Atxe, Josep Puig i Cadafalch, Josep Vilaseca, Josep Campeny i Santamaria, Josep Reynes, Josep Llimona y Enric Clarasó.

Como no hay mucho espacio para los muertos (o más amable – difuntos), muchos de ellos forman parte de la arquitectura de Barcelona. El cuerpo del arquitecto Antoni Gaudí, por ejemplo, se encuentra en el suelo de mármol de La Sagrada Familia. Desde hace ya unos años en esta edad moderna, muchos ciudadanos de Barcelona eligen enterrarse en los altos muros de piedras de Montjuïc. Los visitantes pueden usar las escaleras para alcanzar los cuerpos que están en las zonas superiores.

The places where the dead are buried include sites such as Montjuïc, which have sculptures of feminine figures representing a great love that connects life with death. I think Europeans have a better relationship with their ancestors than Americans because they use their cemeteries much more. Many European cemeteries look like parks because they have large trees and plants above the graves. Although Montjuïc is a place of prostitution in some of its areas, Barcelona people use the place to walk and exercise. (I did it too!)

After more than a thousand years, thousands of citizens have rested underground, and many of their stories are represented with sculptures. Montjuïc sculptures include works by architects and urban planners such as Leandre Albareda, Antoni M. Gallissa, Rossend Nobas, Eusebi Arnau, Rafael Atxe, Josep Puig i Cadafalch, Josep Vilaseca, Josep Campeny i Santamaria, Josep Reynes, Josep Llimona and Enric Clarasó.

As there is not much space for the dead (or more friendly – deceased), many of them are part of the architecture of Barcelona. The body of the architect Antoni Gaudí, for example, is located on the marble floor of La Sagrada Familia. For some years now in this modern age, many citizens of Barcelona choose to be buried in the high stone walls of Montjuïc. Visitors can use the stairs to reach the bodies that are in the upper areas.

Useful: 2 Funny: 2 Cool: 2

7/16/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Yelp Black Elite Event: BBCM – 5/5 Stars

The Butcher, The Baker & The Cappuccino Maker
Breakfast & Brunch, Salad, Sandwiches
8653 W Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Coworker: Where are you going again? Me: “The Butcher, Bartender, Barista, I think?”

When I was searching for this place, I couldn’t remember the 13 syllable name of this cafe (The Butcher, The Baker & The Cappuccino Maker) so I typed “the butcher, the barista” in Yelp and the search resulted in all the butcheries in the Los Angeles area. This place is a newer addition to the Sunset Strip, a bistro cafe of sorts, and the layout surprisingly is roomy for such a new place. It consists of what used to be TWO storefronts on the Sunset Strip. They have this outdoor patio area in the middle, with a restaurant/bar to the right and a really beautiful second indoor space for private events on the left, which I think used to be a gift shop years back. The bar part of this restaurant used to be a crummy Italian restaurant a few years back and the remodeling for this new restaurant offers so much more of a lighter, open, and pleasing vibe.

Many of us began at the bar on the right and many of us left full and sloshed from the private event room on the left. I am relying on everyone else for food and drink specifics because there was a lot to cover. All I know is that I had a 1. stiff coffee (I requested without cream so mine was stiffer than thine) 2. 1/2 of a very tall bloody mary 3. white wine 4. red wine. By the end of the night, I ended up taking home Yelp mints, a woman’s t-shirt, and 1 1/2 orders of the Vegan Grain Bowl. We also got like ten or so food items to try. I feel like the house specialist for this Vegan Grain Bowl because I had so much of it. So I’ll just leave a tiny review of what I thought of it. The Vegan Grain Bowl comes with A LOT of carrot salad and grain. I give credit for that stuff sopping up all that alcohol I had. There wasn’t enough of the marinated tofu, avocados. But enough of the alfalfa sprouts and orange peels. The table, and I concur, agree that the tofu was excellent. But it would have been awesome to get more of the marinated tofu and avocado because there was so much grain. All I can say about that is I had a very healthy sobering ‘oatmeal’ this morning. 🙂

I signed up for this event because it was one of the first Gold/Black Yelp Elite events I noticed that offered a few vegan options. Even though I didn’t eat like 7 out of the 10 or so food offerings they gave us, I left like filled to the brim with salads. This event lasted about three hours and let me tell you, I felt spoiled! It was very well done. I work close by near Melrose/La Cienega and walked my bike to the top of the hill here. I ended the night walking down the hill with my bike, passing the Chateau Marmont, seeing all the bright lights of beautiful ugly traffic passing me, and enjoying the cooling breeze at night.

Useful: 4 Funny: 4 Cool: 3

7/27/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Taco Loco – 4/5 Stars & 5/5 Stars

Taco Loco
$ Mexican, Seafood
640 S Coast Hwy
Laguna Beach, CA 92651

I used to talk a lot about my nostalgia for Taco Loco. I am beginning to think nostalgia is best left for the dead, or to the places that don’t exist anymore. I was passing my old high school in Dana Point last week and didn’t care to see the high school. And then I realized, unless like something happened to it like if the site was a big empty dirt ditch, I’d want to see it. Like then the sugary nostalgia would conjure. “Hey, I think that’s where the ugly portables I spent half my day were or that fence that once caught on my raver jeans used to be when I skipped school!”

So yeah, I got Taco Loco last week. My ten-year update is that nothing has changed about this place at all. My first review of it from 2007 is virtually the same stuff that I’d write ten years later, but minus one star. That same spongy tofu mushroom burger wheat bread and the lightly grilled tofu is the exact same preparation and taste as it once been but it’s a ‘mind-blowing’ that satisfies my aging memory as much as my taste buds. The salsa has always been a bit too watery. It doesn’t give me the thrill to see that same boxy cash register, or the same exact receipts it dispenses, or the same kind of aloof hippies behind it.

The people change but the restaurant eerily hasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad it’s still here. It’s still casual and inexpensive. There is still magic in this place offering the only tofu mushroom burger I’ve ever tried on this planet. The food is good, but with the passing times, my nostalgia love feels like it’s turning to television fuzz. Do I want to be 17 again, forever?

Useful: 2 Funny: 2 Cool: 1

8/14/2017

Previous review

Taco Loco is a sidewalk cafe with a few very excellent vegan options. These don’t include the other 80% of the menu like the Mahi Mahi burger, which my omnivore friends absolutely love.

I’ve eaten at Taco Loco for almost ten years. Taco Loco is quintessentially known for its delicious tofu mushroom burgers, tacos, and pasta. The beans, potato tacos, and “phish” burgers are also really good. The rice is bland.

The salsas vary, depending on which one you choose. If you like spicy salsa, ask for “chipotle” after the staff asks you “spicy, medium, or mild salsa?” They make it every morning. It’s like the hidden gem among their salsa options. The guacamole is excellent, too. The chips are okay but sometimes stale.

Wednesday is the day you can order the tofu mushroom pasta. I order a half order which is $5 instead of $8 and it’s very filling for small people with large appetites.

Taco Loco seating arrangement is situated on the sidewalk next to busy PCH. The sound of a car upon car upon car can be very irksome. The outside temperature can range from really hot in August to stark coldness in February. Remember to bring a jacket if you come here after 8 p.m. The heating lamps will only heat the person who is sitting directly underneath it!

Note to new vegans: if you order a tofu mushroom or a phish burger, ask for the burger to be plain. Otherwise, they’ll add mayonnaise!

Useful: 2 Funny: 1 Cool: 1

9/21/2007

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Casey’s Irish Pub – 3/5 Stars

Casey’s Irish Pub
$$ Pubs, Irish, Sports Bars
613 S Grand Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90017

3.5 Stars.

Casey’s Irish Pub ruined a pair of my jeans years ago. I was casually meeting with someone for an afternoon chat of sorts, I sat on one of the patio seats that they had apparently just painted black. I was wearing a pair of light denim jeans that day and there was no ‘wet paint’ sign, no warning, nothing. After hearing about this guy who was very full of himself’s photographic achievements on Instagram and my nodding as he was scrolling down on his feed and showing me how clever he was with photo compositions, I stood up and discovered I had a ring of black paint on my jeans. It was the fast-drying type of paint and my sitting on fast-drying paint helped dry it faster, thus making washing the paint off impossible. I tried in their little bathroom. I also tried bleaching it out, no dice…

For years I grimaced every time I walked down Grand and looked down on their gorge of a patio at their black furniture because of the black death of those jeans. Until! Years later, Duolingo, the language learning app for phones, hosted their very first ever Spanish language meeting for Duolingo users here. The spot here is pretty spacious for a large group meeting like that. Even though it’s questionably a series of rooms, much emptier and awkwardly set up than others, it’s got an ample amount of space. If it were up to me, I would just remove all the walls and make it a very large space. And then… you could host bands and stuff. As someone who was speaking butchered Spanish to a bunch of other people speaking butchered Spanish, we heard and understood each other just fine, for the most part. We were set upright in the middle of the loud bar and it never got too loud or crazy.

It was a cool spot to meet. Their bartenders were fast. And they have an incredible cider here, as I hope one would find at an Irish Pub.

Useful: 0 Funny: 1 Cool: 2

9/2/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Social Security Office – 4/5 Stars

Social Security
Public Services & Government
1122 N Vine St
Hollywood, CA 90038

The Social Security Office seems to offer something here for everyone, but especially for old people not born here and homeless people. It offers an organization scheme that works pretty well. Since I am a lost social security card person, my experience probably would differ from someone who doesn’t have a number or needs some type of benefit. It took me about 45 minutes total to get in and out on a busy Monday. It seems about 1.5 people are called per minute.

My first impression was a good one. I was greeted by the two nicest security guards I have ever met. They were incredibly calm, patient and gently told me that I forgot to take off my belt before stepping into the metal detector. Upon stepping in, I see many people are inside. About 3/4 appear to be older immigrants (many Eastern Europeans), 1/8 are vagrants and the other 1/8 are miscellaneous. There is a machine with a touch screen that you put what you are coming here for. I am replacing a social security card I lost, thus I press the “Social Security Card” button. It asked for my SSN and then the machine printed out a number on a ticket and I sat down. My number was B282 and the current number they were calling was “B244”, uh oh.

So I sit down and play three Words With Friends games. “B263.”

I write two lengthy emails. “B279.”

I am about to text message my friend back, when all of a sudden a guy pops out from the door, “B282!”

“B282! Are you B282?”

“I am B282.”

“Follow me this way.”

We sat down at Desk 16 and he chucked my ticket in the trash.

It took about 30 minutes to get through about 40 numbers. I gave the guy who was helping me out my paperwork including a driver’s license and passport. He looked at the paperwork and was typing numbers on his keypad, like a lot of numbers. Type, type, type, type, type … about 200 numbers later, a receipt is printed out and had some Russian woman’s name on the print-out, “Katharina” or something next to my street address. It freaked me out.

“Why does this say ‘Katharina’?”

He looked at it. Asked for my driver’s license again. About four or five minutes and lots of typing on the keypad, a print-out of my name appears. No identity theft, maybe.

Upon leaving, some homeless guy next to the security stand was convulsing on the ground with a backpack being used as a pillow as the police were coming in. I am sure nobody chooses to convulse at the Social Security Office but it makes me wonder what kind of gritty circumstances does someone has to live like to presumably get benefits here?

Useful: 6 Funny: 5 Cool: 3

3/4/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: LaB Coffee & Roasters – 4/5 Stars

LaB Coffee & Roasters
$$ Coffee & Tea, Tea Rooms
429 N Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90004

It’s not like I have a stigma against Asian coffee shops, but when I think of them, I think of overly sweet teas and coffees with flavor enhancers.

I’ve never had good ‘Asian coffee’ before. But hear, hear for the first time for everything. The barista didn’t have a full grasp of English so needed her coworker for help with (I thought was) a simple order.

Me: Hi. Can I get a cold brew, please?
Her: … (eyebrows raise)
Me: … or iced coffee?
Her: Coffee … with ice? (Looks at her coworker.)
Coworker: Yeah! That’s fine. One cold brew. (Takes over the register.)

Well for as expensive as a good draft beer costs, for $5.50, I got to try a Kyoto-style cold brew. The brew does not taste like cherry blossoms or tastes any particularly different than a good $3-4 cold brew anywhere else. But it was great!

The atmosphere is nice and quiet and their wifi password is conveniently located on the front desk. You need to photograph it because it is literally c8h10n4o2.

Useful: 8 Funny: 7 Cool: 3

11/9/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Reviews: Mel Pierce Camera – 2/5 Stars

Mel Pierce Camera – CLOSED
$$ Photography Stores & Services
5645 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

I am ‘lolling’ at some of the reviews about the jerk-ish staff. Mario, brother of photo-Luigi, tell your crew if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

I actually was greeted here. And THEN snubbed. If it wasn’t for my lack of having intimate knowledge of lighting equipment, I would not have had any problems! Alas I did not know about the world of camera strobes instantaneously enough for the guy to not get annoyed after greeting me. Yeah I still don’t know the type of strobe I need.

I was just looking. And mustering something to say about the strobe I wanted because he walked from around the counter looking at me looking at lighting equipment.

“What can I help you with?”
“I’m looking for a strobe.”
“What kind of strobe.”
“I don’t know. One kind of like this one, but maybe this one. I don’t know! I’m looking.”
“You need to be more prepared.”

He walks away. Like the scowling old curmudgeon at the record store, I was treated like a dreaded Lookie Lou. Hi, it’s the 2010s and stores are like Tinder/Grindr, shoppers like me are fickle assholes looking and not quickly committed to buying.

It would be a surprise if they make it to the end of the 2010s because being a Lookie Lou here isn’t very fun either. The place is pretty small and the selection is probably as good as an average photo place in a Montana college town. Hell – slight improvements from digital equipment behind the counter, it’s all the same small photo store kind of stuff. But they have been in business long enough to outlive their neon sign. I would come here if I needed something I can quickly get, but Samy’s has my photo equipment business and Freestyle has my CF card business. I totally was sold a busted RC-6 remote control here years back, but luckily they exchanged it.

All in all, snubbish and – unless if an emergency – not enough supplies to keep me coming back. Wish I wasn’t greeted at all.

Useful: 4 Funny: 5 Cool: 3

12/24/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Natural History Museum – 4/5 Stars

Natural History Museum
Museums
900 Exposition Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90007

Do not donate taxidermy heads of animals from your grandparent and great-grandparent’s hunting trip to the Natural History Museum. They unceremoniously line the entire ceiling of the employee’s only area upstairs and look creepy as hell. Nobody will ever want to see those heads ever again, even cyborg historians 300 years from now will not want to see them. Burn them. Anytime the employees are pissed off or are off that day, you can blame those heads.

I had a friend who worked here and got to see that Employees’ Only room, some balcony at the top of the building with a pretty view, rooms with lots of draws, and the ground level utility closet that we hooked up in. After we hooked up in that utility closet, we went to the special exhibition room. It wasn’t that special because I don’t remember it. But what was cool was to see the California room. I like earthquakes and seeing replicas of cities that are meant to be destroyed. And fault lines.

It’s cool to see antique bones and animals too. But the localized history has to be my favorite. Take the time to appreciate all the stuff that many of these fine people have taken a lot of time to curate and build.

Useful: 1 Funny: 2 Cool: 2

8/20/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Beyond Baroque – 4/5 Stars

Beyond Baroque Foundation & Literary Arts Center
$ Performing Arts, Bookstores
681 Venice Blvd
Venice, CA 90291

I have a teacher who is old and dying. And he’s got a scar running halfway around his head from a tumor. He was one of my favorite teachers, back when I did a Poetry MFA.

He reads here a lot. A celebration of this dead poet, a celebration of this dead movement, a celebration of 1950s cool, ‘beatnik questionnaires’. It’s all kind of held together by an antiquated charm, like City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco, but dead and running in a kind of zombie celebratory marathon. Maybe most poetry itself is now in a continuous zombie celebration of 60-year-old movements.

Either way, I’ve written hundreds, if not thousands of poems. And I don’t even bother with getting poems published in books.

Because it took
seven years
to publish
ONE poem.

It was an epic poem I wrote for a Sylvia Plath anthology, a collage of her two poems ‘Lady Lazarus’ and ‘The Applicant’. And a year to see it on the bookshelf at Stories in Echo Park. And the draw is that it is a poem about a dead author’s poems and her legacy. I feel a bit parasitic about my biggest poetry accomplishment!

But alas this place is still here. The bookshop is still standing. And there has to be something good to be said about a place that looks like an old Spanish mission on a farm. This place specializes in a kind of mid-century ideal of the ‘happening’ because it runs on events. It’s a time warp of cool. I feel like a longing nostalgia for a time that I wasn’t born into. Whenever I come here, I know this sounds lame, but I have a Pleasantville fantasy, where I am a 1958 technicolored person and escaping the confines of the black and white small town to find myself. And end up on the patio here, writing poetry on a tiny notebook with rogue bobbysoxers and melancholic football players.

And the Wednesday night poetry workshops, ugh. I am reminded of how incredibly square my parents are because of all the cool Russian blue cats with silvery hair.

Useful: 3 Funny: 2 Cool: 4

8/11/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Los Angeles City College – 3/5 Stars

Los Angeles City College
Colleges & Universities
855 N Vermont Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029

LACC seems to exist on the tuition of students that shouldn’t be in college. It’s better to have no-shows than no one show at all! In keeping with the tradition of its most famous alumnus dropout Charles Bukowski, a lot of bums drop out of this college. They cut in line on free taco day before doing so. In my experience of the five classes I’ve taken here, about 40% of the class ends up disappearing at the end. LACC incentivizes this behavior by taking out the burden of even having to go online and press the withdrawal button. It’s the first college that I’ve been to whose departments expect teachers to drop students who stop showing up.

I don’t know what the future holds for LACC. They seem to think it’s in for another heyday with all of the construction happening and platitudes of hope being offered in the form of writing scholarship themes. But the attendance level is very low and the slow burn of gentrification in East Hollywood might bring no hope! I’m used to campuses actively being busy in the middle of the day but everyday feels like Saturday here. It’s a strange experience, given Santa Monica and Vermont is busy. And on an actual Saturday, you can hear the echo of footsteps and see a tumbleweed roll.

It’s a shame because they have some great professors. I’ve been talking Spanish classes here and the college offers professors who are more talented and passionate than even the ‘good’ teachers at the UC school I’ve attended. One thing that I appreciate about the teachers at LACC is that they’re humble. The level of self-absorption of some teachers at the research university I attended, in my experience, is that of Narcissus at the podium overlooking a reflecting pool.

The bad things about LACC are the cliches of the crime-ridden inner city school minus its overpopulation. The emptiness of the campus due to its underpopulation makes my bike more unsafe for a bike than locking up on Santa Monica or Vermont or Melrose. I had to get a second u-lock as my back bike tire got swiped twice in one month here by the same asshat with the equipment and know-how to remove back tires from vintage bikes. Also, it’s the first college campus I’ve been to where being asked for change by many different types of people on campus is part of the college experience. Bukowski would be one of them.

Useful: 6 Funny: 2 Cool: 3

6/3/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Virgin Atlantic and Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse – 2/5 Stars and 3/5 Stars

Virgin Atlantic Airways
Airlines
5758 W Century Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90045

The focus of this review is on the people at Virgin Atlantic catering who are in charge of supplying condiments to ‘vegan’ meals at the Los Angeles base.

While the Virgin Atlantic outbound flights from Los Angeles never include vegan condiments for the meals from Los Angeles flights outward to London, the condiments from London to Los Angeles are always vegan.

Based on over ten flights during the past two years to London, I have concluded that Americans do not know what a vegan option constitutes, while Britons are all over it.

Every time I have ever taken a flight from Los Angeles to London, the three condiments I always get include:

One Country Crock butter spread (whey)
One Naturally Fresh salad dressing (whey)
One gratuitous packet of non-dairy creamer (whey)

Whey might be the lazy condiment of choice for the ‘vegan’ meal but Virgin Atlantic actually knows what ‘vegan’ constitutes because all the condiments from outbound flights from London are, in fact, vegan. They use:

Vinegar/oil already on top of salad
One ‘Bebo’ butter spread

While I guarantee that I will soon receive a comment from human resources disassociating their Los Angeles catering services with the ones from the catering services from London, Virgin is Virgin. Take initiative and look at other Virgins that do it better.

Useful: 5 Funny: 3 Cool: 0

1/19/2013

Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse
Airport Lounges
Nelson Road
London TW6 1QG
United Kingdom

If you genuinely feel satisfied after watching people being turned away at a club you are inside or after laughing when somebody from coach is being scolded for using your first-class bathroom on an airplane, exclusive clubhouses are probably for you. I get satisfied, but I am more misanthropic than rich. And I got in here completely by accident.

The perks of Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse include swinging plastic bubble seats and a fake fire animation on an LCD screen that is shaped like a fireplace. Honestly, the best part of the first-class lounge is the floating plastic bubble chair. Even the bubble chairs are more of a pop-art aesthetic than for actually sitting in. There is a handful of them grouped together. You can go on your laptop, use their free wifi (codes located on the menu) and sit on the bubble chairs suspended on a rope, rotating you 360 degrees. Weee! Then after maybe 10 or 20 minutes of sitting in them, they start getting humid and then uncomfortable. The entire place is a dining area, too. Menu items are pricey but if you like airport alcohol, they’ve got it.

I fly on Virgin Atlantic from Los Angeles to London at least six times a year on coach, and I don’t even know how I got in here. Since I got into this place by a fluke of happenstance rather than spending $$$$ on an Upper-Class seat, this posh oasis inside Heathrow seems to be as satisfying as the mod decadence that a 1960s television set could bring. Basically, I was looking for a bathroom. Nobody was in front. Lo and behold, the best part of Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse is its dark and fancy bathrooms with towels.

Useful: 4 Funny: 2 Cool: 3

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Balcony Coffee – 4/5 Stars

Balcony Coffee and Tea
$ Coffee & Tea
314 N Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90004

It’s funny how in the course of maybe three years a cold brew has become more expensive to get than a latte. It used to not be this way! I have been getting lattes with almond milk here because they’re a dollar cheaper than the cold brew they offer. I find it funny how something that requires skill to make is less of a commodity now than something that is stored overnight to brew.

Besides that, their foamy heart-shaped latte is pretty good. The coffee they use is really good. The guy who made it for me the first time really made it perfect. It was strong and had a delicate foamy texture — very well done! The second time tasted a bit more haphazard as the guy yesterday was preoccupied with many drink orders that some other customer — who came in after me — had ordered. So the latte tasted kind of weak.

But whatevs. It’s all about their ambiance, right? Their ambiance is really killer. They have a really cool custom-made greenhouse in the patio. It’s something I’ve never seen before in a coffee shop or anywhere and it’s an incredible idea. You have to really know what you’re doing to make your own custom greenhouse! The downside is that the air smells a bit like sweaty plants would from a greenhouse. Lol. They really tried to mask the sound of traffic on Western and Beverly by adding a fountain of water and it kind of works. It’s actually a really nice and comfortable place to hang out. And one of the best greenhouse patios, the only of its kind I’ve ever seen.

Also, a couple of other caveats: they have for here and a to-go cup option. The to-go cups give you a couple of ounces or so more latte than their mugs. And the shopping center and area, in general, has zero places to park bikes – I’ve been using the black gate adjoining their greenhouse patio to lock up.

Useful: 4 Funny: 3 Cool: 3

11/15/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Greenbar Distillery – 5/5 Stars

Greenbar Distillery
$$ Distilleries
2459 E 8th St
Los Angeles, CA 90021

That’s how they get so many five-star ratings! They have a link that travels from their feedback email after taking the tasting tour. It goes to their Yelp page after you click that you were ‘very satisfied’ with their tour. I was about to get all passive-aggressive up on this place about it but to be fair, I re-clicked ‘very dissatisfied’ just to see what happens and it also travels to their Yelp page.

What I like about this place is that it basically exists. They’re really into the art of experimentation, rather than being some type of profit-making dinosaur with tried and true flavors. It feels like it has stayed true to it being in the Arts District. From the sampling tour and their samplings of crafted liqueurs, bitters, whisky, gin, vodka, and tequila, they’re really into trying new things out. They have savory vodka, for example, that tastes like a wheatgrass shot. They are all organic and use actual fruit, for example, which I learned can vary in taste due to fruit varying in the way it sits on the tree, if it was hit by sunlight and how much water it gets. So they have tasters to ensure it’s supposed to taste as it should. They interestingly said that they tried flavors like pineapple or wasabi that have flavor properties that would ‘collapse’ in on themselves over time so they cannot be stored very long. The tour guide did say the wasabi flavor was delicious when it was made.

I’ve been in LA long enough and I’m surprised this is the first time I’ve heard of this place. It’s pretty old for something of its kind (born in 2004) and unusual! I got a Groupon for two here and for the number of samples you get (six total), it was well worth $6 per person. I was a bit miffed after being met with the kind of a problem about booking with their very annoying and problematic online form that would not redeem the voucher number. But after calling them and getting it sorted out, which they booked me on a tasting tour and I don’t think even redeemed the Groupon, I am glad that I have been able to have this experience.

Useful: 6 Funny: 2 Cool: 3

12/12/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cirque du Soleil TOTEM – 4/5 Stars

Cirque du Soleil – TOTEM
Performing Arts
FUKUOKA BIG TOP
Fukuoka-shi, 愛知県〒812-0054
Japan

We walked to TOTEM.

We took an express bus from downtown Los Angeles, which we were dropped off at Harbor & 1st Street in San Pedro, thinking this was at the Port of Los Angeles nearby. TOTEM is not at the Port of Los Angeles, as indicted on Yelp. In fact, the Port of Los Angeles security guard at the front had a lot of confused Yelpers stopping by before we even came to the front.

She asked: “You seeing TOTEM? Go right on Harbor. Berth 46.”

Sounds easy enough, but for those not driving: it was 20 further blocks past this! Actually, it was even further than that, all the way down a long road past 23rd street to the circus tents located at the end of this man-made festoon of land.

Aaaaaahhh h h h h walking, walking, walking. There was no way we would have been able to know where we were going without our GPS map. We found someone’s chewed-up electronic cigarette dangling on an electric box along the dark road past 23rd street. After a 3 mile/20 minute walk, we got there just on time for the actual show after the funny boat gig that begins the Cirque Du Soleil shows.

The show was really good. The lighting and effects were as impressive as the dancers and acrobats. It began with evolution, monkey-to-caveman-to-caveman-to-caveman-to-businessman-to-acrobat. Our favorite was the hat throwers on the unicycles. The actual missing of some of the hats by some of the dancers that performers in tribal garb who were positioned on all four sides of the stage to retrieve made the spectacle very successful in the enjoyment of wondering whether the hats will actually be caught. They mostly were, pooh!

Intermission! We go outside to pee and drink. We peed but did not drink so fast: The water rule is lame. They have huge and full water dispensers that nobody with a $5 water bottle or Cirque Du Soleil cup can use. Almost all of the bartenders told us that they were not allowed to give us water cups. My partner, who is poor and parched, refused to spend $5 for water and drank water from the outdoor sinks next to the porta-potties, which apparently was as good as regular drinking water.

The second half of the show, I thought, was good but not as great as pre-intermission. It featured a Darwinesque scientist of the late 19th/early 20th century that was well-played with glowing balls of atoms. But where were the monkeys and cavemen? The future, as depicted by glowing yet somewhat anachronistic ritual dances, came too fast.

The show is over! As we walked to the closest bus stop, we encountered the chewed-up electronic cigarette again still dangling on the electric box along the dark road. It became apparent that besides one unhappy smoker, very few people walked to this event. The chewed-up electronic cigarette was still on and shining blue.

Useful: 1 Funny: 4 Cool: 0

10/15/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Vromage – 4/5 Stars

Vromage
Cheese Shops
7988 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Vegan cheese has come a long way to finding a home in the ‘artisan’ realm! Vromage holds its own, more literally than figuratively, when it comes to ‘artisan’ vegan cheese. Literally, it is the only vegan cheese shop in a driveable vicinity of Southern California. Figuratively, it is the best cold vegan cheese I’ve tasted, but it still tastes like vegan cheese.

Vegan cheese kind of tastes more like its texture than its taste. The brie, cheddar, and gouda at Vromage all have a good creamy texture (gouda was a bit harder) with the essence of each of their respective types of cheese. The cheese offers a very pleasing, hummus-like quality to a sandwich by acting like a yummy spread to a sandwich than the not-cow cheese that I had anticipated and imagined.

Maybe it’s problematic thinking to believe vegan cheese has to taste like ‘the real deal.’ With two of my Yelp friend’s five-star raving reviews, I was expecting to taste a hard cheese from the swollen teat of a poor factory farm cow, however, the reminiscent essence and very soft texture won me over.

Baguette sandwich was $12.50, and like the nice owner, the size of the portions is very French. Don’t come here famished!

Useful: 6 Funny: 4 Cool: 4

4/2/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Lamill Coffee – 2/5 Stars

Lamill Coffee Silverlake
Coffee & Tea
1636 Silver Lake Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

If I were an extremely positive Yelp reviewer, I would need to justify Lamill charging $7 for a chai. I would consider their ample tables, the friendly (cough, obligatory) table service. I would consider the thought put into the sliver of foam onto the delicately spiced chai. I would consider the cleanliness of the bathrooms and the regal chandeliers and sofa chairs mixed with the luscious ambiance of Silver Lake as a backdrop. I would consider the attentiveness of the waitress and having been given my own shiny black leather check presenter upon paying for my $7 chai. And somehow $7 for a chai would go into the constitution of this amazing dining experience I had at Lamill if I was an extremely positive Yelp reviewer, like a fucking Disneyland ride.

IT
WAS
A
$7
CHAI!

Useful: 4 Funny: 4 Cool: 1

11/18/2012

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Yelp – 2/5 Stars and 3/5 Stars

Yelp
Mass Media
140 New Montgomery St
San Francisco, CA 94105

Updated review

Yelp’s new photo-centric layout sucks. Is yelp turning into food Instagram? On top of that, all of the large browser-size photos featured are of MEAT.

L A R G E – M E A T – P H O T O

Meat Meat Meat
(Review Snippet)
Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat Meat
Meat Meat Meat
(Footer Menu)

Useful: 12 Funny: 6 Cool: 3

2/2/2017

Previous review

I am surprised that Yelp removes reviews from its own page! It/robot/they/intern removed my review from their page citing it contains inappropriate content per case #3071386. I am unclear whether it’s the language or the sentiment in itself that is more inappropriate, but I’ll censor the (what I believe he/she/it/they believes is) naughty language so that this review stays up this time!

Removed review:

There’s something oddly phallic about women who post pictures of their nails for nail salons on Yelp. It strikes me as odd that every time I log onto Yelp, I am greeted by pictures of painted fingernails posted for nail salons. It’s almost the equivalent of the woman’s (CENSORED) pic. It seems to be a movement that is not gay per se – but cultivated around a community of self-pleasure around their own/others fingernails, i.e. people who think their cuticles are the shit. An “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” comparative on coloring, girth, and of course size. Ask a straight guy who throws his (CENSORED) pic around the net and he’ll swear up and down it’s not sexual, well maybe sexual but more of an autocratic sexuality – the pleasure of being admired or watched. That’s kind of what I have come to expect with nail pics, it’s a pleasurable, maybe sexual experience to know that people are checking out and admiring her fingers.

Maybe it’s a feminist reclamation of the body because most guys care as little about nails as women do about dicks, or conversely care as little about nails as other parts of her body. Or, the painted fingernail is not about the guy being put into the equation at all. I don’t think guys care about nails or seek them out as I saw one set of painted nails on Yelp, aquatic blue with white anchors painted in the middle get like 50 likes, by not one guy, and by at least three Tricias.

Useful: 6 Funny: 7 Cool: 3

1/2/2015

Previous review

Yelp has given me more open doors for getting my foot into places than my undergrad Journalism degree ever could. (Surprise! Your Yelp reviews make more interesting portfolio pieces than the ones about college.)
Ruby at Yelp keeps wanting me to know that Ruby has deleted my reviews.

Before deleting reviews Ruby, please look up the description of the modifier you use to flag a reason to censor someone.

To lack a ‘substantive’ consumer experience means:

The consumer experience reflected on my 300-word description of my first-hand experience with the property wasn’t um ‘real’. Say it, Merriam-Webster.

Oh, but it was real Ruby! I don’t make things up. Maybe what’s real to you is news to me but if being a tool throughout your sheltered life has never gotten you laid yet Ruby, I am certainly happy to say that I am not offering my services, whether ‘substantive’ or imagined to you.

I even wrote to Yelp regarding this dilemma of Ruby censorship. I sent the case number in. Veronica, who responded back a few days later, didn’t care to look into the case number before presuming I was complaining about my reviews being filtered and sent me over a generalized FAQ about Yelp’s filter system.

Yelp your platform is cool but the people you pay to censor or shirk more ‘substantive responses to the people you regulate, are the tools of tools. Yelp is popular because of the people you don’t pay. If you let Ruby off the leash any more than you do, it may implode.

Check me out. I’m Chris G. I’m legit. I have old faded pink Elite badges next to my name. I had a review of the day once. It wasn’t a cute puffed-up anecdote about a place I was raving about either!

(Surprisingly.)

Useful: 1 Funny: 4 Cool: 3

1/9/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Hatchery Press – 5/5 Stars

The Hatchery Press – CLOSED
Shared Office Spaces, Adult Education
601 N Larchmont Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90004

The Hatchery is way more than that of a “shared office space” as it is a shared studio space exclusively for writers who publish their work. I am surprised there aren’t more Yelpers as active as I am writing about this place, but I suppose most ‘actual writers’ wouldn’t expend their writing for free on Yelp. I have existential dilemmas about doing just that all the time. Lol.

As someone who retired from almost a decade-long career at being a professional graduate student, it feels more like that of a liberal arts college. It reminds me of the atmosphere that you’d -want- to find at an MFA program or a writing residency. Everyone who runs this place has cultivated a very creative and lively spirit here. If they wanted to push for that direction and get accredited as a school, I bet they could do it. A lot of people here have books published and screenplays in production. They have a workshop of sorts almost every other night. They have readings and monthly BBQs too.

For me – this place is a refuge. I’ve been coming here for almost a year and it’s usually consistently good. It’s a perfect bike stop. It’s quiet at night. Let me emphasize how perfectly sandwiched this place is in the middle for someone who rides bikes even when deathly ill. It is one-stop along my 15-mile roundtrip infinity circle between East Hollywood to Hollywood to West Hollywood almost every day. This place, unless if they have a few major events, is usually very mellow at night. It’s spacious as they have two houses worth of space, so if something is happening in one house, the other house is usually freer. It’s not a coffee shop, but they have lots and lots of coffee pods. It has a ton of plants and it’s well-kept.

Useful: 2 Funny: 1 Cool: 3

7/17/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Extra Space Storage – 2/5 Stars

Extra Space Storage
Self Storage
4728 Fountain Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029

I’ve waited a very long time to write a review here. It’s located a block from a crazy ex-roommate’s apartment of my spouse who gave him a ‘bill’ at the time for bent window blinds that were already beyond warped. It was a bad situation so we had to get all his stuff out in the matter of a couple of hours before he got home. Extra Space Storage was a block from that apartment and they offered a ‘discounted’ room that was the size of an oddly-shaped broom closet. It was located in a garage and not in the actual storage unit. But it was good for what we needed at the time. Everything else about that storage facility sucked.

The Extra Space Storage garage entrance is literally next to the stairwell that leads to a Section 8 building. Two or three people sit on the stairwell all day keeping eye on what people are bringing into this facility. And somehow, a pile of stuff forms between the stairwell and the entrance to this Extra Storage Space. In front of the people sitting on the stairwell was like a pile of clothes, furniture, and toys strewn between the entrance and the stairwell.

I don’t know what kind of shenanigans happen there. But all I can tell you is that the man who managed this Extra Space Storage was more concerned about us dumping a mattress in front of their building than anything else. Like security or doing something about the pile of stuff already dumped there! After a month, we were getting stuff out of that facility and he asked about our truck. When we told him we were going to walk everything over to where I live (I live a mile away) using a cart, he became really awful to us. He literally followed us for a block yelling at us not to dump the mattress. I said to my partner, “don’t look at him!” because he’ll just keep following us, and once we ignored him, he left.

All in all, the ‘discounted’ rooms are located in an unsecured garage space. At least one of the managers is awful. And the people who sit on the stairwells looking down at the storage facility will see everything you’re bringing in. We literally used this facility for extra furniture and a mattress that aren’t too desirable to steal. But if we had televisions or computers in there, no matter how expensive the padlock we had gotten, all someone would have to do is walk 50 feet through the garage and use a medium strength mallet to break open the flimsy hinge to steal that stuff.

Useful: 3 Funny: 0 Cool: 0

2/25/2018

Aug

2021

Chris’s Best Yelp Reviews: Monastery of the Angels – 4/5 Stars

Monastery of the Angels
$ Churches, Gift Shops, Community Service/Non-Profit
1977 Carmen Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90068

I’m always on the hunt for places that are unusual or off-the-beaten-track. For Hollywood, this is it. This monastery is probably one of the most intriguing things I have ever come across – at least on a philosophical level.

One mile from the glitter, you have these nuns who have lived behind the walls of this enclosed space for the majority of their lives, completely separate from the pretensions of celebrity parties and the entertainment industry around it. I wonder whether the steel security gates outside the gift shop and main door are partially also to keep people from escaping rather than letting the vice come in.

In any event, they have these $8.50 boxes of their homemade nun fudge available for purchase. So if there ever was a great shortage of fudge from yesteryear (like some older reviews have stipulated), their 80-year-old nuns are on top of it now.

The fudge is not vegan (I wasn’t expecting it to be), made with cream, and has a smooth, viscous, and brown quality to it like a healthy bowel movement. According to the non-vegan who ate it, he said that the texture tastes more like candy than cake but it is not a sticky or overly sweet candy. It has more of airy and chewy quality to it like a nice fudgy marshmallow and a less dense and cakey one like that of a brownie.

12/16/2017

Useful: 5 Funny: 5 Cool: 2

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Caffe Primo – 3/5 Stars

Caffe Primo – CLOSED
$$ Coffee & Tea, Italian, Cafes
612 S Flower St
Los Angeles, CA 90017

Caffe Primo downtown looks like a ghost ship of Edward Hopper’s Nighthawks painting from 1942. Instead of a corner diner, it’s like one of those old-fashioned Italian style ‘caffes’ from the era that serves espressos or cappuccinos in tiny mugs. It is a very big and boxy street corner restaurant encased in large sheets of glass that you can see everything inside of it – and that’s not such a great thing in this case.

The ground level of this restaurant is below the street level of the sidewalk, so when you pass by this place on some streets, you are looking down on this restaurant behind the glass. The way the light hits the building during the day casts a gray shadow under the glass, so everything inside looks like the dim figures from a low contrast ratio television from the 1980s. There are a lot of rows of stark white tables and handfuls of gray melancholy looking people inside. I think they need less glass and more openness to the neighborhood, as this large glass wall makes this place appear like a human zoo. For years I passed this place by when I would either go to the downtown library or gym and never felt it beckoned me to come here.

When I was finally beckoned to come here due to Groupon, I was weary to go through the tiny door. So before I did, I took almost 20 minutes going through all of their Yelp reviews of the vegan wraps and bowls, which is usually what I prefer and decided to play it safe. Nothing about the reviews had stood out as having a consensus about anything particularly outstanding here, at least vegan-wise. I concluded that I should just stick with a salad. Let me tell you – I am glad I did. Their quinoa salad minus cheese was fresh and came with quite a nice portion. It comes with asparagus, avocado, craisins, walnuts, mint, onions, tomato, cucumber in a lemon vinaigrette dressing. And it was delicious.

You wait in the front, order in the front, you get a number. You wait at the table. And you get food. It was absolutely empty when I went and took about fifteen or twenty minutes to get the food. We were in no rush though. Something to note too: Since the size of this place is massive and there are a plethora of seat offerings, the level of stuffiness varies with some of the rooms. The air doesn’t flow to some of the glass-enclosed rooms and feels a bit more warm and humid than next to where the doors are. It might be beneficial to get faux walls to replace these large slabs of midcentury glass.

Useful: 0 Funny: 2 Cool: 0

5/29/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Maru Coffee – 4/5 Stars

Maru Coffee
$$ Coffee & Tea
1936 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

Maru reminds me of the lovechild of Go Get Em Tiger and MUJI with no patio.

Its less-than an ample amount of seating is not overflowing with people. It’s got a rock wall outside that is usually sat upon by as many people with strollers and dog

s as people who sit inside. I tried sitting here once and it’s not very comfortable. It still reminds me of Gelato Bar that was here years ago. But someone painted this place in such a glowing way with their description of this place having such clean Japanese parallel lines of wood shelves and lights, that I appreciate looking at it now. Everything looks like a series of non-colliding equals signs.

Original: 3.5/5
Maru-ified: 3.5 || 5

Honestly, I decided to walk five minutes and sneak into H Cafe and work there because zen only flows along its walls and ceilings at Maru. I felt like an oversized buddha statue. Their cold brew to-go cup looks exactly like H Cafe’s cold brew cup but with a different colored straw.

Their cold brew is really good, better than H Cafe’s cold brew nitro. Wish you had a patio.

Useful: 2 Funny: 2 Cool: 7

11/6/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Earthbar – 2/5 Stars & 4/5 Stars

Earthbar
$$ Juice Bars & Smoothies, Vitamins & Supplements, Acai Bowls
1550 N Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90028

OMG – this Earthbar is the worst Earthbar out of all of the Earthbars I have been to! And I love Earthbar.

Their staff is VERY lethargic for such a new place! I came here twice this week in the middle of the day and both guys looked bothered as if I woke them up from nap time. There’s an old MAD TV episode with a character named Cloret played by Debra Wilson who worked at ‘Just Juice’ who had as much energy as these guys. They not so fondly reminded me of that episode!

Cloret, working at Just Juice, not-so-fondly reminded me of the workers at Earthbar Hollywood.

I’ve only been here twice, today and on Monday or Tuesday and the staff both times weren’t located behind the desk. I had to wait a few minutes to order because they’re in the other room unaware that I’m waiting. And they look at me as if it’s an unwelcome surprise to see me. And then it takes another five minutes to make just one drink. Since they were doing something somewhere else in another room, a line formed behind me and they take all the other orders before making drinks. And the other guy who is supposed to be making drinks is blissfully unaware that there are a ton of drink orders to be made.

They make my drink of choice the Acai Pure, which is frozen Acai and bananas blended with coconut water, very runny. It still tasted okay and it’s still very much vegan. But this drink is nothing compared to the incredible way it’s made at the downtown locations and in West Hollywood. Thick and filled to the brim. OH! And they don’t make enough smoothie to fill the cups the entire way. Both times, they left almost an inch of space in the cup. The guy today even shook the smoothie after pouring it to make it appear that the smoothie was full!

Sadly, the location and quiet Equinox lobby atmosphere are probably the best part of this Earthbar. It feels like the lobby of the W or Ace Hotel or something. It’s located off of Vine St at the very front of the Equinox entrance. No membership required. But something is wrong with the layout of this Earthbar in particular. They’re located in what seems like an afterthought for what would have otherwise been a concierge desk of a hotel. They’re located inside of a box. I swear, they decided to install water pipes instead of computer and printer equipment at the very last minute here. I also enjoy the perk of the $5 drink Happy Hour that the downtown locations also have between 2 and 4 p.m. on weekdays. That’s not listed or advertised anywhere in this location.

And I do appreciate that an Earthbar did open in Hollywood but if the owners read this, close this crummy location down and move out of Equinox and over to Hollywood and Vine. Or do something about the wall to the ‘other room’ of the kitchen or staff nap time area. And wipe the slate clean of this current staff.

Useful: 5 Funny: 4 Cool: 1

3/2/2018

Earthbar
Juice Bars & Smoothies, Acai Bowls, Vitamins & Supplements
8365 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Earthbar has always had a fan with me but what I really like about Earthbar Weho is their Acai Bowls. They’re off the hook and $9.99 gets you like a massive cup of this stuff. It’s more than enough.

The acai is made really thick and not a smoothie consistency. It’s very rich tasting and has incredibly yummy granola on top and on the very bottom. They basically add the same amount of granola and fresh strawberries/banana for the large and small sizes. If you want more of a granola ratio and less acai, get the small. I don’t really need more descriptions. I’ll make a cross-section map:

Small Acai:

[strawberries/banana]
[granola]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[/granola]

Large Acai:

[strawberries/banana]
[granola]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[acai]
[/granola]

In conclusion, I enjoy both because I prefer the acai and the amount of granola they put in. More granola would be too much. They fit both perfectly into their plastic cups. So both are filled to the very top and usually, the lid is pushed down and squishes the strawberries and banana to ensure this thing closes. They need a medium size. Small is small-ish but not medium.

I am unsure what’s up with this area either. I travel on my bike all over Los Angeles and the locale who live in this particular area or drive here is the most self-absorbed and irritating of westside royal inbreds I’ve found. But the workers are cool. And after traversing people who refuse to move or need an SUV’s length of personal space, it’s got a relaxing couple of tables to lounge out in front.

Useful: 2 Funny: 3 Cool: 2

6/13/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Diwana Bhel Poori House – 5/5 Stars

Diwana Bhel Poori House
£ Indian
121-123 Drummond Street
London NW1 2HL
United Kingdom

This is by far the best vegetarian Indian buffet I have ever been to. Since it’s been around for over 40 years (vegetarian buffets did exist back then), they have really perfected the art of preparing thoughtfully spiced and cooked food.

Rather than it being an economical choice to prepare vegetarian food, the food they prepare is specifically made for other vegetarians and vegans who need a lot of protein-rich peas and vegetables. In terms of the quality of food, it is incomparable. I have tried all the Indian vegetarian buffets on Drummond Street’s Indian buffet row (including Ravi Shankar), and this one offers the best food in terms of preparation and quality of ingredients.

Three things that constitute this vegetarian buffet as being the best:

Less potatoes, the better.

Sometimes Indian buffet-styled foods are plagued with dishes that have too many potatoes, whereas there are hardly any potatoes here. The other buffets have a lot more potato dishes. This place really emphasizes on the spices and vegetables. Potatoes are probably the least important food a vegetarian would want to fill up on.

There is more emphasis on vegetables and peas.

The majority of the food offered in the buffet includes broccoli, chickpeas, daal, cauliflower, onions, and vegetable options for biriyani, dosas, pakoras, thalis. Everything is topped with its own delicious curry, which presents an array of rich reds, oranges, and yellows in this buffet.

At least two people I’ve met in London claim to have been going to this place since the 1970s.

Diwana was a cool thing back then too. Professors in London, included my thesis supervisor and an anthropologist I lived with, were part of the progressives, hippies, and beatniks in the1970s who were going to Diwana. It has survived the wrath of Thatcher through the 80s and judging by the old wooden furniture and it being perpetually busy, it has left quite a legacy.

Although some may construe it as arrogance to leave a bold, laminated sign upon the return of a cheque exclaiming that TIP IS NOT INCLUDED, it may be because they’re not shy to ask for (or demand) appreciation for the hard work they do. Maybe.

Useful: 3 Funny: 0 Cool: 2

11/27/2012

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Caffe Etc – 4/5 Stars

Caffe Etc
$$ Coffee & Tea, Sandwiches, Breakfast & Brunch
6371 Selma Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90028

I have fantasies about doing something wrong here. The encounters I have had with the owner or management have left me feeling disappointed because nobody who works here is a sadist at least when I am around. And reading these reviews makes me wonder whether if I am too nice and appropriate.

I have never stayed too long to abuse the elusive wifi surfing policy, sat without paying for a drink first, used the bathroom without a drink in my hand, sat in front of the guitar stand, or look like I spent the night sleeping on Hollywood Blvd. (I sleep in an apartment OFF Hollywood Blvd. thank you) to be refused service. I have never cursed in Caffe Etc, stolen a cookie, licked the gelato off the smörgåsbord, thrown recyclable cups into the garbage, or refused to pay a dollar for a cup of tap water…

I have constantly, perhaps too infrequently, gotten iced coffee here and have mostly been a good sailor with the cold coffee in my hand. It’s hard for me to say anything bad about this place because I don’t eat their expensive food. However, the location is great, the service is good, the owner Viviana is kind of hot and the coffee is definitely not bad. The furniture and layout of the cafe are my biggest issues actually; their outdated and uncomfortable chairs look like something you’d find in an ice cream shop and probably keep people from staying too long.

Useful: 4 Funny: 7 Cool: 4

10/7/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cuties – 4/5 Stars

Cuties – CLOSED
$$ Coffee & Tea
710 N Heliotrope Dr
Los Angeles, CA 90029

I hope that, unlike the Cafecito, pre-Cafecito, and post-Cafecito coffee shops that were here before theirs, that they can exist for years and years.

Theirs is a utopian cafe that hosts regular queer polyamory meetings, an incredibly friendly staff, weird video art installations (sometimes) and the cafe is dripping with pastel colors. It looks like someone with a budget of a few hundred dollars had the art school spirit and puckered it up a tiny bit. What looks a bit like Scoops now feels a bit more radical and fun like something out of Oakland. And for that, I applaud it.

The cold brew was good, and their menu offerings were otherwise quite simple and straightforward. Their place offers an ample amount of seating and is as busy as a place that’s more utopian than profit-making. It means that there’s a relaxing atmosphere here and always someplace to sit.

BUT how can you charge $1 for almond milk? That’s such a violent pronoun. Be a really queer cafe, cow milk should be the $1.

Useful: 7 Funny: 4 Cool: 5

11/30/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: La Boba y el Gato Rancio – 4/5 Stars

La Boba y el Gato Rancio
€ Lounges, Gay Bars
Carrer de Cuba, 59
46006 Valencia
Spain

Valencia is a slightly more extraordinary place now for having this cafe. I have never been anyplace anywhere around the world that has cultivated thoughtful and stimulating ‘camp’ from gay culture and brought it into a bar and really do it well.

It’s got a nice lounge setup that is more smart than pretentious. We sat between two homoerotic paintings: one of a muscle man in a mirror selfie that was done in a beautiful impressionistic brushstroke painting style. As someone from Los Angeles, I am so used to paintings being in a league of brightly colored pop art types so to see a very European painting style was a breath of aire fresco. So, in other words, it was pleasant to see a mirror selfie from an iPhone. The other painting was an uncut dick underneath a foot. Both were funny and conceptually thought-provoking.

Pros!

They have frappes, iced teas, gin tonics, tequila and a list of mix drink from €5 upwards and there was one made of fresh lemons, which was delicious. It had quite a hearty layer of “merengue” bubbles. It was not the orange juice and tonic of the local “Agua de Valencia” but it was still good.

Contras!

The restaurant does not have ‘savory pies’ like on a review I read or any food really for that matter. They give you the queer equivalent of bar nuts, which is a mixture of dried fruits and nuts. Smoothies have all been subsequently crossed out like on the pictures menu. So no more blending. And no more eating for that matter. It’s a shame, I believe because it has plenty of tables for eating.

—

Sorry for probably bringing all the English-speaking Americans into your bar with the first English Yelp review of your establishment, but you are definitely a charm and worth knowing.

Useful: 4 Funny: 3 Cool: 4

1/31/2018

Aug

2021

La Colubrina
€€ Pizza, Italian, Vegan
Via Felice Casati 5
20124 Milano
Italy

I was in Milan for less than a day and we decided to eat at La Colubrina as it was one of the very few Italian restaurants here that cater to vegans. I have to say that it is probably appropriate that one of the best vegan-friendly Italian restaurants I’ve ever been to is in Italy. This one is run by all women and it’s got a very relaxed and comfortable vibe. Dishes take 45 minutes to prepare so it kinda needs to be comfortable.

Although I learned Milan is more known for risotto than pasta, my spouse’s Milanese sister made us vegan risotto earlier in the day, so we were pretty risotto-ed out by the time we got here for dinner at 10pm. At 10pm it was still busy, but definitely dying down as it’s a family restaurant. Dinner is late but not too late! I decided to try very basic pasta and gnocchi dishes here. My fear about trying new dishes at vegan restaurants is my lack of realization about the portion sizes, usually lack thereof.

Almost every time I order a vegan thing I have never heard of, it is shaped in a tiny decorative torte form that takes less than three minutes to fully consume. So I have a type of psychic pain and avoidance now for ordering anything new, sadly. But nonetheless, I cannot begin to tell you how un-basic the pasta and gnocchi dishes are. The green gnocchi is fresh and comes in a white cashew-based gorgonzola cheese sauce. The zucchini-based pasta comes with I believe an avocado-based sauce and artichoke or some type of green that usually tastes not-so-good raw, but tastes incredibly good prepared. There was ‘cheese’ on top of this one, which I believe was nutritional yeast.

All in all, it was very un-Italian of us to split three first plates (the bowl on top of the second plate) and get no second plate or ‘antipasti’ so shame on us for not getting the other plates to balance out the meal. However, even with the lack of balance, I am incredibly happy to have come here for the very limited amount of time we had in Milan. The server was friendly, the food was incredible and the atmosphere was great. This is the first time in a long time that I ate out at an Italian restaurant. It’s great to eat Italian food that’s unlimited to pasta with some variant of tomato sauce or pesto and olive oil like every other Italian restaurant I’ve been to over the years.

Useful: 6 Funny: 1 Cool: 4

2/7/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Overused Yelp Cliches – 5/5 Stars

Overused Yelp Cliches
San Francisco, CA 94101

“Aging hippies” (91 hits)

A.K.A. older activists who are unsettling to your 20-something classical liberal/individualist disposition. Ayn Rand, so hot right now. Yelp cliche, so hot right now. (270 hits)

“Too many hipsters” (117 hits)

Just because YOU wear muscle shirts, a short brown haircut and basketball shoes does not mean you’ve got to hate on people who are better looking than you.

“Server was rude” (105 hits)
“Waiter was rude” (170 hits)
“Waitress was rude” (169 hits)
“He was rude” (444 hits)
“She was rude” (610 hits)
“… was rude” (18,300 hits)

Oh go cry me a river with all that you say. If someone rolled their eyes at you or ignored you for a minute, you likely deserved it!

Source: google.com

Useful: 9 Funny: 12 Cool: 9

4/11/2008

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Indie 103.1 – 3/5 Stars

Indie 103.1 – CLOSED
Radio Stations
5700 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Less talk, more rock was so Indie 103.1.

Until the DJs began to talk.

Now I feel like I have invisible friends in my car leeching on me for rides; the type who won’t stop talking to each other. The point of the conversations is that there is no point to be made! It’s like staying at a party for way too long, listening to trite anecdotes and band names being dropped; and yet you just can’t leave! You give them the benefit of the doubt that their conversations will lead somewhere until you’re offered a more compelling distraction and go home.

I recently turned the radio off after the first thirty seconds of Jonesy’s Jukebox when Jonesy whined: “I don’t want to do this today. Ugh… (pause). I really don’t want to do this…. (long pause). I don’t… want… to… do… this…” You stupid cow. I would DO ANYTHING to have my own radio show and play the music I’d like to share. The dead air time is like a spit on the face of every listener and is a reflection of what kind of pricks this radio station airs. I wish prickness wasn’t synonymous with good music taste and this station makes me feel a little in despair.

Speaking of synonymous, their taste in good music is also on par with my music taste and I appreciate their good music. I wouldn’t mind being the ideology of a quiet DJ because I’m not a prick. (Hire me?) Politically speaking, if corporate radio can do anything it knows how to do well, it’s to make more regulations and gag its DJs and strictly play music the DJs select to play. Corporation, I hope this message is relayed back to you.

Useful: 6 Funny: 8 Cool: 6

3/10/2008

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sango Sushi – 4/5 Stars

Sango Sushi
$$ Japanese, Sushi Bars
27261 La Paz Rd
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677

My sister’s best friend works at Sango and the two times I visited this place with my sister, the girl carried a conversation with my sister IN BABY TALK.

“Aww Wamma ewe look so pwetty.”

Am I segregated in a pseudo-rational world from the rest of society where all the people I don’t know casually coo to their best friends when I’m not around? The few other times I’ve overheard other people do it, I didn’t pass them by without shuddering flamboyantly. My mom said it’s normal.

Mom: Girls do those kind of things. She’s young.
Me: She’s 21.
Mom: She’s still young.
Me: You were married and pregnant with me at 21.
Mom: I was mature for my age.

Apparently. Besides a little seesawing in my stomach from acute gastric reflux, my stomach was able to adequately digest their good food here. The rolls are soft and fluffy and the vegetable soup has a slightly sweet broth. The ambience is casual; you order first then sit down and wait for the food. There is no bar here and this place turns busy on a moment’s whim.

To-go is always an option if you happen to overhear the coos of a 21-year-old architecture major. Aww sushi wooshi in a to-go baggy waggy.

Useful: 5 Funny: 13 Cool: 4

3/6/2008

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Saturn Cafe – 3/5 Stars (Owner Response)

Saturn Cafe – CLOSED
$$ Vegetarian, Breakfast & Brunch, Vegan
145 Laurel St
Santa Cruz, CA 95060

What do you really expect from a diner that is open until 3 a.m.? The cafe is the vegetarian equivalent to a burger, fries, and a shake at Denny’s. The food is decent but nothing to write home about. Besides, specialty chefs don’t work after hours. The veggie burger flippers are tattooed rebels just like the rest of us!

The best part of this diner is the lively after-hours. I followed 30 people here after a straight edge hardcore show at the Porter Soundbox. Needless to say, the tables were filled with lots of people in black hoodies.

Useful: 2 Funny: 0 Cool: 0

9/27/2007

Owner Response:

Hi Chris

Thanks for taking the time to write about us.
I am sorry to hear that you did not enjoy your food very much.
I wanted to take a minute and reply to your comment comparing the Saturn to Denny’s.

My business partner and I both work really hard at hiring staff members that many places won’t hire purely based on the way they look.

We also spend a lot of time creating a menu that is always fun and sometimes healthy and absolutely 100% Vegetarian. We do our best to pick up organic items whenever we can. I assure you Denny’s does not have an organic house salad. The ice cream we carry comes from a small farm in Santa Barbara that only makes small batches at time. All of our salad dressing is made in house it is never store bought. We even have a house made veggie patty that I think taste pretty good and is totally fresh.

Again I truly appreciate you spending your hard earned cash with us and then taking the time to write about it.

I just needed to say a little about the Denny’s piece.

Hope you have a good day,
Ernesto Quintero

9/28/2007

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Miyabi Sushi – 4/5 Stars

Miyabi Sushi – CLOSED
$$ Japanese, Sushi Bars
253 Church St
San Francisco, CA 94114

There was a hostess at Miyabi who liked me. She would hook me up with free seaweed. I’m talking about expensive hijiki, the type of seaweed that lodges its dark green goodness in-between your teeth as you enjoy each succulent leaf. The type of seaweed that looks like a spawn of plant life from the Florida Everglades and The Black Lagoon. It’s delicious and I felt wooed.

Then the manager caught her and angrily stared at me like a disconcerted father over violating his precious daughter and bringing her home from Freshman homecoming a half-hour past midnight. I never came here again.

Take-out is a viable option when the food is served faster in a plastic bag than on a table. I can’t articulate why I chose to be a takeout swine here but probably because the atmosphere is very small and often busy. I believe the few times I did eat in, the wait seemed uncomfortably long. The miso soup, edamame, seaweed salad, steamed rice, and vegetable rolls are all decent options.

Useful: 3 Funny: 6 Cool: 3

3/7/2008

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hollywood Studio Alterations by Alex – 2/5 Stars

Hollywood Studio Alterations by Alex
Sewing & Alterations
6420 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

I really have had low expectations when it comes to tailoring. My motto is: as long as it fits, I am happy. I could care less about the straightness of the stitching, or uniformity of it or silly nuances that nobody else would notice except the person who is wearing it.

Until now! Well I surprised myself with actually having expectations because apparently I did. I took one shirt (new) and two old corduroy pants here. I guess with all these raving reviews, I was surprised when I got back a slightly asymmetrical tapered shirt and two shorts with strangely uneven and high, almost an inch from the bottom, stitching patterns. They reminded me of how my friend Kiernan sewed me a pair of shorts cut up from jeans on his tiny Singer sewing machine from what he learned for a high school sewing course. The shirt was tighter on the left side than the right. I had to confirm this with my partner because I thought I was going crazy.

This tailor shop seemed highly recommended by Yelp and is about a mile away from me, which is why I came. The owner or the guy working here was really gruff and not ‘friendly’ as indicated in numerous reviews and he assumed I was from Yelp. Perhaps it was because I have a full sleeve of tattoos, long hair, and didn’t have a thousand-dollar suit with me that I am some goober from Yelp. In any event, he certainly didn’t treat me any nicer. Back to the two ratty corduroy pants I had: one pair was so badly faded and worn, that I wanted to turn them to shorts. The other pair I had picked up for $4 at a Salvation Army in the Inland Empire, originally from Old Navy. They were so fancy, the velcro on the back pockets still worked, sort of. I also wanted to turn these to shorts.

He tried to sell me on $50 for tailoring two pairs of pants into shorts. This is over double what I’ve paid for not only the pants but for other things I’ve gotten tailored in at least other two tailor shops. I declined, since I could go elsewhere for half the cost. He negotiated down to $40. Fine.

This guy’s accent made it hard to understand him. He sounded like the “YOU BUY, YOU BUY!” Roma street merchant on the Simpsons who tried to sell Lisa a dead octopus when she got lost in the Russian part of town.

After he negotiated down the ridiculously high price to a high price, he then wanted me to schedule a time.

Him: (In heavy accent, him missing some connecting verbs and prepositions) What day you want pick up?

Me: Anytime, it’s up to you.

Him: NO, what day you want pick up?

Me: Okay then, how about today or tomorrow?

Him: NO, you pick up Sunday. 3 p.m. Cash only.

What the fuck? If you are so picky about days, then pick a day yourself dude like I originally suggested. And cash only? There was a credit card machine not even a foot away from me next to the door.

I would NOT recommend this place unless I was a lame news anchor or suit and tie professional making a six or seven (or eight or nine) figure salary in the immediate area. I guess I could then brag to my colleagues at a chichi cafe about my adventurous trip to an off the beaten path tailoring shack on a crummy parking lot off Hollywood and Cahuenga.

Extra star because they still look decent. Bottom line, not worth it!

Useful: 6 Funny: 3 Cool: 0

11/10/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Punchbowl – 4/5 Stars

The Punchbowl Los Angeles
$$ Live/Raw Food, Vegan, Juice Bars & Smoothies
4645 Melbourne Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

I came to The Punchbowl the day before and concluded that the guys who work here are more chirpy than the girls, which was unusual to witness. The guy was overly friendly, cooing at me to come back, but not too late.

It was Sunday. I came back the next day. The lady workers are more subdued in their chirpiness. A woman who was wearing a really, really high bandana, which looked like the Chiquita Banana girl who would take a banana off from her hat, made me an 8 dollar plus tax Banana Date Smoothie. It took this girl quite a while to prepare and make the smoothie, and I really would believe she would have all the ingredients stuffed in her bandana, but I am certain that there are some seriously scientific alchemic combinations happening behind the counter wall.

Now I hate the feeling when I eat out and think to myself, “I can make this” because I am a horrendous and unsophisticated cook. But seriously the taste of the Banana Date Smoothie was good but very simple: cold non-milk, frozen banana, dates, swirl in a blender: ta-da! These nutritious yet simple ingredients taste like my less nutritious smoothie creations at home, but for $8.70-ish it was nice not to have to clean my own blender.

Pricey, but the owner from Colorado needs to replace the black plastic bag serving as a window on the back of his car sooner than later.

Useful: 1 Funny: 5 Cool: 2

3/12/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: British Consulate General – 1/5 Stars

British Consulate General
Public Services & Government
2029 Century Park E Ste 1350
Los Angeles, CA 90067

I sometimes associate objects with colors.

But with the British Consulate General, I hear a sound: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I have been to The British Consulate General to apply/receive a Student Visa stamp on my American passport in 2010. I opted to pay $100 to WORLDBRIDGE SERVICES to schedule an appointment and see someone in person regarding my passport, rather than blindly mail my passport to a place that offers no direct method of interaction, telephone line or email.

Between the application and my actual visit to the British Consulate General was a nightmare. An absolute dive into Dante’s rings of hell! I was eating bitter, chunky eyeball pudding and suffering after a horrifying fall. I was paralyzed and rotting in a roach-infested grate. The worst experience I have ever, ever, ever had! It was so truly bad, it was surreal. Like paying top dollar for rotten food at a restaurant and then the chandelier, tables and chairs collapse and the management blames you for it all.

So, onward to this amazing WORLDBRIDGE SERVICES order form: I went on their website, put my credit card info on their website and clicked on an available appointment time with the British Consulate General. After confirming, the website had failed to load but yet it was somehow able to successfully charge me $100 for an appointment. There was an error message yet a confirmation of payment was sent via email (with a confirmation number) and I thought I was set up with an appointment. I came to Brentwood, and they had no record of me. The security guard in front was irritated that I came and thought I was trying to get upstairs without preparation. Ultimately he went upstairs, and told me they said I had to pay another $100 to schedule another appointment through WORLD BRIDGE SERVICES. Since there is no direct line to ask for a refund, you have to pay to request a refund.

Basically, it was like an amazing sketch comedy if it wasn’t happening to me. The guy on the phone said he couldn’t talk to me, and kept arguing with me about paying the $3/minute rate for a refund. And funny thing is: ONCE YOU PAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE, THEY TELL YOU THEY CANNOT REFUND YOU!! After paying $9, they told me to send a refund request via the contact form and they would get back to me.

When you send the contact form, there is a vague acknowledgement of the receipt for the request. ‘Your request has been received.’ Period. No contact information given nor any information about follow-up. In fact, it took about two weeks for them to get around to giving a refund. I was truly surprised.

After paying a second $100 and getting an official appointment, I went upstairs. There’s a security checkpoint. I walk in, there’s a tiny doctor’s office waiting room with the other people who paid $100 and next to us, I see a ton of envelopes, like hundreds mailed passports lying on a huge messy pile on a folding table. No matter what the circumstances are, I would deal with paying for their craptastic private company to get their stupid visa stamp again. What’s the recourse if someone’s visa is stolen or lost in this huge disorganized pile?

The security guard inside the actual waiting room, a grim old white dude and not British, was condescending, negative, obnoxious, and kept talking and talking. He complained that everyone in the room was texting on their cellphones and then mentioned his grandkids using cellphones all the time and not being in the real world and not chatting with dear granddad. Maybe they’d rather be on their cellphones than deal with your negative attitude, bub.

It took about two hours to get my student visa. I answered the questions they asked when I was at the window and gave them the documents/degrees/photos and waiting for the visa. Receiving the actual stamp that takes up two entire pages of my passport that I can never get back was very insignificant for the work I put into getting there.

Seriously, a private company and a $100 charge to deal with your shenanigans? In these three years that have passed and after living in Britain, I’m most grateful to learn through my time in Britain as an overseas student that actual companies in Britain do not operate like WORLDBRIDGE SERVICES.

Was it worth it? Perhaps. But be damned and less $100 if your order form on the website failed like mine.

Useful: 5 Funny: 4 Cool: 0

6/11/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Barista Society (and the History of Bunker Hill) – 4/5 Stars

Barista Society – CLOSED
$ Coffee & Tea, Bakeries, Breakfast & Brunch
300 S Grand Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90071

Barista Society is located on a weird plane where it is parallel to Grand Ave but underneath it. It is located in the botched plastic surgery area of Los Angeles known as Bunker Hill. The way to describe getting to Barista Society is to describe the top of Bunker Hill. Bunker Hill constitutes large insular office cubes that were put in place of the many Victorian buildings that were razed and destroyed over half a century ago for more modern buildings.

Sixty, seventy years ago, Grand Ave on Bunker Hill looked like Van Ness Street in San Francisco. There are beautiful POV videos of Bunker Hill on YouTube taken in the 1940s. And now the razed and flattened plots of land brought these walkways and ‘plazas’ to get into each of these large lifeless buildings. So you sort of have to drift into this shopping center, like the 7th Street Metro Center subway station, but without really knowing where you’re going. And then you find yourself walking parallel to storefronts that face away from the subterranean level of Grand Avenue. And that is this shopping center and this Barista Society is shining right in the middle of it. It’s really the only un-sad thing in this area.

So in other words – coffee doesn’t sound too bad when you’re overly confronted with this ugly modicum of a lobby for the towering building with its shallow ceiling and mall foodcourt style seating. The cold brew here, like at all the other Barista Societies, is excellent by the way.

I came here at some point last year for a Yelp Elite event for some Ivy League venture capitalist’s marijuana dispensary speech. And the free food/drinks kept the large majority of us listening to the future of the marijuana commodity fetish in California. It’s probably the largest number of people they’ve seen at one time. I would otherwise never go out of my way to come here. But when I find myself here due to some hot iron probing me to be here (like lawyers, court, etc), it’s the best coffee option close enough to the top of the hill. And whatever other required and slightly dreadful white-collar tasks that people visit this area for, there’s at least good coffee close by! There IS the MOCA next door if you exit this lobby and then exit this plaza that may leave you wanting to have this place on your radar.

Barista Society, it’s kind of on top of Bunker Hill but on a shallow grave level.

Useful: 3 Funny: 3 Cool: 4

3/21/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Starbucks (and Passive-Aggressive Architecture) – 2/5 Stars

Starbucks
$$ Coffee & Tea
2138 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

These Starbucks with the new ‘Starbucks Reserve’ bars are supposed to bring an experiential quality of a high-end brewery. I came here believing that they’re meant to attract people who want coffee that’s actually good – like say Demitasse or Stumptown or Ritual. Based on my ‘Starbucks Reserve’ cold brew in this zombie craftsman house with the midcentury decor of a store, they fail.

It tastes no different than their regular cold brew but delivered in a plastic sippy cup with the Reserve®®®®® logo. The price difference – I believe – is reflected in that you can take your sippy cup home with you and make the toddlers in your hood green with envy.

I came here with hopes that it would taste as good as a cold brew like say Maru down the hill or H Cafe further down the hill. But no. No! It offers the same bitter powdered coffee bean aftertaste that its regular cold brew offers. I gave them back the plastic adult sippy cup preferring that it would take up the space in their recycling bin (I hope they recycle or reuse) instead of mine.

There’s creepy 1940s music playing nonstop at this location. To go with the music, there are furniture pieces and architecture of the era. The furniture, except for the couches, is very uncomfortable. I’ve recently come to become acquainted with the term ‘hostile architecture’, which includes those armrests at LAX that don’t let you lay down or benches at parks or subways that are too small or sloped that don’t let you do anything but lean. Here, there’s ‘passive-aggressive architecture’. There ARE tables and there ARE chairs. But they are disproportionate in size and actually don’t work together for laptops or drinks really. There are no outlets. And the chairs are pretty uncomfortable.

Useful: 5 Funny: 2 Cool: 3

4/3/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cinnaholic 4/5 Stars

Cinnaholic
$ Bakeries, Vegan, Desserts
2134 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Ugh sugar-holic. I am so glad that the toppings and drizzles here cost 50 and 25 cents. I thought the marshmallow drizzle and cookie batter toppings were free the first time. So now I feel happier not having to feel obliged to load this thing with sweet stuff that doesn’t really need it. Their already juicy vegan cinnamon rolls are incredible on their own.

So when I tried this place the first time, I had to combat a mad sugar craving for one of their cinnamon rolls again for like three days. They’re really, really addicting! Like, the amount of sugar in the totality of one of these creations really speaks to the inner fat child. I used to know a girl named Eileen Salyer in high school who would carry around with her packets of sugar that she would rip open and eat like pixie sticks. I don’t know if she still eats packets of sugar but eating this thing reminded me of her pulling these sugar packets out of her purse at Del Taco. She wouldn’t need those sugar packets here!

The toppings included a marshmallow drizzle and cookie batter. Honestly, the cookie batter did nothing to the cinnamon buns. It tasted like something that would be better suited on its own. And seeing that they sell this stuff separately, I can see why. Being married to a vegan chef, I came to appreciate how easy cookie batter can be made and I need to take that to account when I order things that I – as a not-so-great vegan cook – can hypothetically make. Honestly, all someone needs is literally flour, sugar, earth balance and vegan dark chocolate pieces, mix together for three minutes. So I won’t probably get the cookie batter in the future. The marshmallow drizzle made the cinnamon rolls juicier but it was an indulgence that I wouldn’t do again, now that I am in the know…

So to be fair, I really liked this place and came back a second time. And lo and behold, at 8 pm they were selling plain ‘day old’ Cinnaholic cinnamon buns wrapped in plastic for $2.50. They’re normally around $5. They tasted incredible without all of the extra stuff. My friends at the Echoplex, the popular music venue near, many of them starving musicians, liked this place but complained at how expensive the price is. So these day-olds seem to be perfect choice for the locale and don’t taste any different than the not-day-olds like the first time I partook.

Useful: 6 Funny: 3 Cool: 5

5/30/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Urth Caffé Melrose – 3/5 Stars

Urth Caffé- Melrose
$$ Coffee & Tea, Breakfast & Brunch, Bakeries
8565 Melrose Ave
West Hollywood, CA 90069

I told the person in front that I’d like a tofu scramble to-go. When I opened my bag, I found that I got tofu WITH a scramble to-go.

Wha? I told the person that handed me the bag that they messed up and he insisted that they didn’t. He kept insinuating that I got hooked up with a huge scramble as if I got two for one. The tofus were sliced into six rectangles. On the to-go menu, it says substitute tofu for $1.50 and I told the guy in front that I’d like a scramble with tofu instead, which he charged that $1.50 for, so I am not asking for something that is supposedly nonexistent.

Well anyway, management was more than helpful when I got the reins tightened after talking to Urth Caffe customer service, first to a woman who (surprisingly or unsurprisingly) spoke little English for someone in that role who basically did not understand anything I was saying except when I asked for a supervisor. Then I talked to the supervisor who finally understood that the to-go menu I guess has a misprint and says it can substitute tofu for eggs when it can’t. He called management there and they gave me a few tiny gift certificates.

A couple of weeks later, I am checking their to-go menu and THE SAME MISPRINT is on there:

Sub tofu $1.50 under the breakfast scrambles.

All I can say is that I will keep enduring the insufferable crowds here and am sticking with their matcha boba with almond milk because it is delicioso. I sometimes stick to the kid’s PB&J (it’s really good and filling), or to a less of an extent their veggie sandwiches, which are more pricey than filling, or the plum rolls, which came with veggies, cold firm brown rice, and didn’t come with plum. I am probably just sticking to the matcha boba with almond milk. While I really don’t have much of a dislike for the food of this place, their busy location makes it easy to dislike. Although the ambiance is quite an interesting anthropological people-watch and consists of the West Hollywood conventional and quite the mix of rich preppy Middle Easterners, the men who look like they’re from old money Bostonians without having ever lived there and the women, on the flip side, sporting couture modesty veils, apparently on blind dates together.

This is what Urth Caffé calls a “Tofu Scramble”.

Useful: 3 Funny: 5 Cool: 3

11/7/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Larchmont Village Wine – 4/5 Stars

Larchmont Village Wine Spirits & Cheese
$ Beer, Wine & Spirits, Sandwiches, Cheese Shops
223 N Larchmont Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90004

Perhaps the most amusing thing about this place is the fussy rich people from every demographic waiting in line to order sandwiches. A muscular teenage boy in front of me wanted arugula instead of lettuce on his half vegetarian, half turkey sandwich, turkey placed on the other half of the sandwich. An older woman, kind of shriveled looking with the large jewelry she was wearing from behind me, made the worker redo the entire sandwich because the worker apparently put too much vinegar on hers. The sandwiches are good, hardly the ‘best in LA’ but they are good, the Italian bread is fresh enough and the half-sandwich is reasonably filling. A half sandwich is $4.50 and is surprisingly quite large, about the size of an average burrito.

I definitely come here partly for the ridiculously amusing line-waiting and for the low price, on top of a solidly good sandwich, because even a short line takes a long time with the fussy rich people making modifications on every ingredient placed in their sandwich.

I have no comment on the wine and cheese!

Useful: 2 Funny: 6 Cool: 1

8/1/2012

Aug

2021

My Best Yelp Reviews: The School of Life – 4/5 Stars

The School of Life
£££ Adult Education, Bookstores, Life Coach
70 Marchmont Street
London WC1N 1AB
United Kingdom

I have watched every video ever that The School of Life has put out on their YouTube station. I love to hate on Alain De Botton’s pragmatist, pro-capitalist and anti-polyamory videos (open marriage guy here!) on the comments section but more than that – I love to love on the interpersonal videos that he puts on. He is the queen of peeling off layers of communication issues with relationships, and it really has helped me understand my own relationships. So The School of Life deserves the million YouTube subscribers that it has achieved in the year 2016.

And less important than The School of Life’s videos is this puny little gift shop that De Botton funds, which consists of simplified bags, books, and cute items with quotes. It is very underwhelming to come here after watching the videos. However, if you’re looking for a better holiday gift than the scented candle, you can get your work acquaintance a tote bag with an inspirational quote on it. The focus of this place seems to be offering live classes and workshops that are hosted mostly around London. I believe classes are upwards of 60 or 70 quid and many of them are unavailable to non-members. Membership is £££ so if you really want to attend members-only classes, you probably will make one of De Botton’s many illustrators happy. The only class I was interested in was a members-only course on intimacy that was conducted in an upscale restaurant. Whoever I spoke to was not only disinclined at my attendance but was uninterested in me becoming a member because the course I wanted to attend was happening too soon.

When I was in London earlier this year, I got to visit the actual store. The guy at the desk didn’t say anything or look at me when I came inside. I believe he was a hologram because he didn’t move though he was looking up. Although he wasn’t see-through, I don’t think he perceived that door opening or shutting and my coming inside. There were chairs and I could have uncomfortably sat there and tested seeing if he would have minded my sitting there but the chairs were placed in a way that they not really for sitting on. The books on the tables were more for display than reading them. I was in and out in a few minutes. I felt more comfortable sitting on a footstool at Skoob Books nearby than testing out to see if this guy really was made out of lasers.

The School of Life storefront on Marchmont Street, London, June 2016

Useful: 1 Funny: 4 Cool: 1

12/31/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: H Cafe – 5/5 Stars

H Cafe (CLOSED)
$$ Cocktail Bars, American (New)
1750 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

HHHHHHHH!
(A)HHHHHH!
(A)
HHH
HH
H!

(A)HHHHHH(A)!

Where have you been? Why haven’t you manifested yourself to exist on Hillhurst years before? Who used to live in this craftsman’s house and please tell me did they grow old and die here? Why are your brand new walls and floors so exquisite? What was under them?

I like that h stands for House; there wasn’t a grotesque attempt to modernize the h, rather preserve it. Unlike The Alcove, in which the front was decapitated to make way for the Disneyland line-like effect of ordering and sitting or picking up. This reminds me of a Writers’ house, someone who would boast hosting avant-garde circles back in the 20s or 30s but made most of his or her earnings working in a ‘sweatshop factory for puns’ (thanks Lena Dunham). How are you? How’s the great American novel coming along? Oh wait, you’ve been dead for 35 years.

H reminds me of a more laid-back version of The Alcove up the street, although it disconcertingly is showing that it probably won’t be so laid back soon. The quiet pockets can still be caught, if in the whisk of a moment.

An excellent, really tasty, cold brew.

Useful: 1 Funny: 6 Cool: 6

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Blue Rose – 2/5 Stars (Formerly 3/5 Stars)

The Blue Rose – CLOSED
Desserts, Vegan, Coffee & Tea
1253 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Things have not gotten better here and I find this place to be off-putting. I found out through eavesdropping that the owners have a vegan consultant on board. This guy told a woman who made a web series that featured this place that unlike Doomies this place isn’t doing great.

Big news there. And I can tell you exactly why this place isn’t doing great without the need for a paid consultant! For one, they have menu items that aren’t consistently available. If they don’t have a cold brew, like today for example, take it off the chalkboard! The vegan valley girl working at the counter was like yeah no we’re like brewing that right now and we won’t have it until tomorrow, while there was a half-finished cold brew next to her that was apparently hers. Great thanks for reminding that I don’t have a time machine.

Also, every interaction I’ve had with the baristas here has been mildly annoying. I feel awful for sounding rude but I feel like I’m dealing with not the sharpest tools in the shed here. Maybe it’s in part that their staff is working in a cafe that is usually out of things or trying to pass off a lot of their stuff that is stale, so they seem foolish when they are out of stuff or when it has to be remade when they get caught. I honestly hope that’s what I am sensing. That brings me to my last point: they serve stale stuff.

For example, a few months before this last time I was here, I asked for coffee. It was 4pm and the coffee that was sitting out all day due to the lack of customers was cold. Instead of making a new brew, the barista took the cold coffee, put it in a cup and steamed it. I have been in pretty sketchy coffee shops and never have I seen anyone ever do that before. I saw her do this and it tasted like hot stale coffee. I confronted her about it. She was quick to say sorry and made me an americano.

I’ve been vegan for 15 years and would rather go to a non-vegan coffee shop than support a vegan coffee shop that is committed to vegan things that 1. is inconsistent, 2. serves stale food/drink and 3. is poorly managed and run. It’s embarrassing as a vegan that this place represents the only vegan coffee shop/bakery of its kind in the area. They also play crappy Top 40 music. It’s as dead as when I first visited here a year ago and it should have no reason to be. But since it is, and they are tarnishing the reputation of their amazing sibling Doomies, please close down or hand the baton over to someone who has the time and willpower to turn this place around.

Useful: 8 Funny: 1 Cool: 5

4/20/2015

Previous review

I’M NOT REALLY SURE what to make of The Blue Rose.

First time I went in here, I had a vegan chorizo/nopales croissant. Although it was under a glass, it tasted slightly stale and the most disappointing part was that it was not actually filled with soy-rizo. It was a soy-rizo jelly-like essence. This undynamic paste made me against getting another option, the vegan turkey thyme croissant, in the future as I want to taste the flesh, not jelly. So I decided to bypass getting another croissant from here.

The second time I came in here, I had a Greek salad, which was already made, and with an Italian dressing. (There were wars between these two countries, this is an unlikely pairing for a salad.) When I asked for a cup of water, things got really strange. The girl looked at me as if she has never heard anyone ask for water before, looked around the area for a cup, and then went to the broom closet next to the bathroom. In the tiny closet was a stack of 32oz Coca Cola cups and pulled out a 32oz Coca Cola cup.

And I kid you not, she filled the entire 32 ounce Coca Cola cup with water. This turned out not to be so disconcerting because I was actually really dehydrated from bike riding in 90 degree weather and drank almost the whole thing. I stopped when I looked inside the cup and the bottom was peppered with black specks of dust particles. I am not sure if this was from the cup sitting in the broom closet or if the ice or water was dirty.

The feta cheese in the salad was light and subtle; and the salad is fresh and well proportioned. There are a lot of other delicious-looking vegan options here so I hope the tiny holes of this place get patched. I also hope more people come here because this place is perpetually empty. It makes me question the freshness of the selection of food, like the disappointing croissants, that don’t sell. Honestly, soy-rizo essences, jellies and flavorings might indeed be vegan, but you don’t win friends with meat jelly.

Useful: 4 Funny: 2 Cool: 1

5/2/2014

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Doomie’s NextMex

Doomie’s NextMex
Mexican
1253 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

I’ve developed a love-hate for the unorthodox way that Doomies (via NextMex) prepares and serves their food. They fry the vegan meat in the same fryer that they fry their famous fried oreos in! So if something says ‘gluten free’ you’ll likely find oreo bits on a microscopic level giving you the celiac! However, double-dipping vegan meat in a fryer with everything else is otherwise really not that harmful, just strange to think about!

It’s an incredible idea to bring inexpensive vegan street cart-style tacos to a restaurant storefront. Almost all vegan restaurants in LA nowadays barely offer appetizers for $10. It reminds me of a cool vegan taco cart near Zona Rosa in Mexico City called Por Siempre that serves incredible vegan street tacos for $1 each. NextMex sells $3 tacos with options including chicken, chorizo, al pastor, carnitas, and carne asada, so if you’re indecisive about the meat of choice, do tacos first! The vegan carnitas are pretty crispy and good! The al pastor is a juicy option too!

The TWO issues I’ve had is that it took fifteen minutes to get my two little tacos. And then to top it off, the carnitas and al pastor were not so warm upon arrival. It was a big let down! The carnitas have a lot of potential because they taste like they would be incredible had I eaten them without the five minutes of me waiting after they were cooked. They could have been so succulent and delicious. When vegan meat cools, it TASTES like vegan meat. It was a bit hardened and bordered on chewy. The red and green salsas were both kind of bland and not great. I’ve had better salsa at Baja Fresh, ugh. But for the price and what was served, I was still pretty delighted.

I also like that they get a lot of clientele who don’t realize it’s entirely vegan but who aren’t afraid to order once they find out! It’s not so apparent that it’s vegan. It’s an incredible addition and another restaurant, like Doomies, that is challenging the vegan restaurant stereotype.

Due to Oreos in the deep fryer, we cannot guarantee gluten-free meat is gluten-free. Also, no more soyrizo. Qué tengas un buen día! -El Doomie

Useful: 10 Funny: 3 Cool: 5

3/5/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Scoops – 4/5 Stars (Removed from Yelp)

Hello,

We’re reaching out to let you know that our moderators removed your review of Scoops.

We typically remove reviews that address culturally sensitive subjects in ways that reinforce negative stereotypes or make light of physical or sexual violence.

In this case, we felt that your review of Scoops crossed that line, even if you didn’t intend it to. The text of your review is copied for reference below, and we hope you’ll continue to share your experiences on Yelp while keeping the Content Guidelines in mind. To learn more, check out our Content Guidelines (https://www.yelp.com/guidelines).

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San Francisco, California

Scoops – CLOSED
$ Ice Cream & Frozen Yogurt
712 N Heliotrope Dr
Los Angeles, CA 90029

Oh man, it’s rare when I can say six years later that I still enjoy a place as equally as I did back in the 2000s.

Their vegan oreo ice cream is my favorite. It has a rich and chunky texture of Oreos mixed into the ice cream. Their ice cream is usually sufficiently hard and if it is too soft, it too easily will spilleth from my cone. Some guy handed me soft ice cream one day last month, and I was paying, which balancing soft ice cream from a cone with getting change resulted in a scoop of ice cream falling on the counter. I was totally about to re-scoop the fallen ice cream from the counter with the sugar cone, as I have licked grosser things in the past but he totally gave me another cone of ice cream, woot. Just to mention too that anything of theirs that is infused with maple syrup is my least favorite, as I find maple-flavored ice cream kind of gross and overly sweet.

The Asian woman who works here during the day usually gives me a really profound death stare.* One of the last times I saw her, some couple who were her friends came in and she hooked them up with free ice cream. Since hooking friends up with free ice cream means not having to walk over to the register, her smiles suddenly turned to a death stare when they merrily walked off and she saw me behind them. For some reason, either I didn’t chew the fat at some point enough or wasn’t chirpy or jocular but that cunt hates my guts. I’d rather go around the plexiglass and scoop the ice cream myself and ring myself up on their ancient cash register. I wish that artsy owner guy who graduated from Cal Arts was around during the day, he seems funny and weird but he has the death stare standing in his place.

Removed 7/29/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Harvard and Stone – 4/5 Stars

Harvard & Stone
$$ Bars
5221 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027

For three years I’ve lived as close to Harvard & Stone as some people do to their mailboxes, but for three years I never get to visit because I am usually wearing shorts.

Harvard & Stone Dress Code:

No Shorts
No Athletic Logo T-Shirt
No Flip Flops
No Baseball Cap

I wear shorts almost everyday, not because I’m bro-ish, but because it’s Los Angeles. I always imagine that some business would capitalize on this, open nearby and become a late night men’s boutique clothing store since the dress code is heavily weighted against the ubiquitous bro. I’ve seen a lot of people, not bros, but middle-aged men and Mexicans with baseball caps, turned away. The men’s boutique clothing store can offer special discounts for those turned down from Harvard & Stone due to their clothing faux pas and dress them appropriately for the bar. Since the gentrification virus has affected almost all of Hollywood Blvd., there are maybe four or five abandoned storefronts due to the horrendous company that owns their building and the neighboring building substantially increasing rent prices and wiping Little Armenia off the face of Hollywood Blvd. One of these expensive vacant holes can be a boutique shop that not only offers fancy clothes but also discounts for matching pants and fedora combinations. Maybe a free mustache with purchase too.

Now you, yes you, can look as dandy as the Harvard & Stone hipster for $59.99 + tax!

When I decide I want to come inside, I walk 50 feet to my apartment and cover my bare legs. Then I come back here and it’s usually fun to see free bands and burlesque dancers. During the week is more fun because it’s less chaotic and more of a lounge experience that emphasizes the handsomeness of this bar. The bands are usually local and draw a small enough crowd for it not to be ridiculously crowded (usually). The people are less pretentious than one may think if only a notch. The hipsters are not the dangerous crowd at Harvard & Stone. It’s actually the drunk west-siders who come here and try to stand out as they think the hipsters of the east do. It’s revolting to bike back from Echo Park at 2 am and find a passed-out blonde with her hair halfway lodged in the door to my apartment building. And oblivious west siders beside her loudly chatting and entering any westbound Uber ride that they see, assuming that that ride is theirs. “Hey does this person belong to any of you?” Since Harvard & Stone is located on the west-bound side of Hollywood Blvd., the front is often crammed with taxis heading in that direction. So she’ll probably be heading closer to where she lives.

Their drink specials are special, like the ones this week: try the Wizard Piss (bourbon, lemon juice, apricot), Whore Island (rum, coconut, pineapple, lime) or F*ck You, And Good Luck (mostly tequila) are all for the price that their drinks are offered for $10. Their drinks are as boutique as the dress code entails and appropriately good for their price, as is the consensus for some of my friends. For me though, I’m all about the Thai food a la Pranom Popup being served on the back patio (sometimes there is a pad thai vendor outside) on Monday nights. For the same price but more food and delectable options, at least five Thai restaurants within a two-block vicinity stay open until 2 am and at least two of those stay open until 3:30 am (Hollywood Thai, Ruen Pair, and sometimes Sanamluang).

Useful: 2 Funny: 5 Cool: 3

5/22/2014

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Museum of Jurassic Technology – 4/5 Stars

The Museum of Jurassic Technology
Museums
9341 Venice Blvd
Culver City, CA 90232

The Museum of Jurassic Technology is like a 1980s museum experience in a Victorian morgue setting. It offers random oddities in a way that would predate the more showy and vulgar Ripley’s Believe It or Not type museums, according to their video manifesto. They want to focus more on the artifact that carries with it historical and social/cultural importance rather than on it being an oddity. They succeed in tiny parts. But as a whole, it was jumpy and had functional issues due to jurassic 1980s technology. Some examples:

A few of their corded and fat beige telephones that you hear stories out of after pressing a button were broken.
To my chagrin as a lover of really old photos, more than 2/3 of the daguerreotype photos that were supposed to light up did not light at all.
The lighting was so inconsistent in general; it was as dim as a candle in some parts and brighter with other displays – in the same room.
A few of the videos were out of order with signs posted.

They really should be playing that video manifesto on loop on a projector in the gift shop, rather than at a nondescript tiny television. It really explains what they were going for. They have some cool things on display in general. To sum it up: microscopic sculptures. I can kind of see how they were trying to go against the flow of museums today with a ‘museum based on a museum’ that would pre-date humanist and scientific thought and favor 1600s ‘magical’ thinking. They just don’t do that well at explaining it. It’s reasonably confusing and an idiosyncratic experience for people who are open-minded. My parents, for example, would hate this place.

3D Animation of Waves at the Museum of Jurassic Technology

Useful: 6 Funny: 1 Cool: 2

10/8/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Gold’s Gym Glendale – 3/5 Stars

Gold’s Gym
Gyms, Trainers
3211-A Galleria Way
Glendale, CA 91210

I’m a fan of the dead mall phenomenon. And places, like Gold’s Gym, that wouldn’t normally be in malls are now moving in and repurposing them. Dead malls are malls that were once thriving in the 80s and 90s and are now empty with abandoned storefronts. I regularly watch this guy, Dan Bell, on YouTube who documents many of the American dead malls on his channel and they’re tragically great to fall asleep to.

One thing I’ve noticed about these dead malls is that Gold’s Gym in particular is converting many of these dead mall vacant storefronts into large gyms. I’m not sure if Glendale Galleria has ever been ‘dead’, but it’s certainly been dead to me! I’ve lived in LA since 2011 and have never had even known there was an ‘inside’ portion of the Glendale Galleria until this week. It’s very old-fashioned looking. It’s very tan on the inside and car-centric. Meaning, you have to go through a parking lot to get in. There’s ONE clogged elevator from the street level door that leads to the parking lot. And absolutely no bicycle parking on street level. I parked my bicycle against a signpost underneath an overpass bridge. But at least it’s next to the elevator.

This Gold’s Gym is as busy and large as Gold’s Gym Downtown LA. To me, it’s really no different in structure and it’s as crowded as Gold’s Gym Downtown LA. I’m actually surprised at all the negative reviews. The machines are new and everything was up and running when I visited this week. There seemed to be ‘enough’ available machines to use when I visited at 5 pm on a weekday. The major problem with this gym is its layout. They wanted to be creative in essentially an uncreative space and break the grid pattern of gym equipment up. They added a circle of machines in the middle of the grid for those who are on a time crunch to move in order when the light turns from red to green or something. Problem is, nobody, including me, has time to figure how to use this system out when the machines we want to use are only located in this circle. It’s really easy to bump into someone navigating this circle to get to another machine since there is no clockwise or counterclockwise direction to begin with. And I bumped into quite a few people getting out of the circle and back into the grid. It has quite a large steam room and sauna! It’s not cruisy unlike the Gold’s Gyms in Downtown and Hollywood! They’re really big and kind of located in a hidden part of the dressing room, just waiting for all the gays in Glendale to come out of the woodwork.

Another problem, although this is more of a cultural one than about the gym, is that there is a hydro-massage chair area, which is dead center in the middle of the gym and freaky to look at. There is an entranceway into a dim room with humans in these large black leather recliners staring at small bright televisions in front of large bright flat-screen televisions that are blasting advertisements. It reminds me of two things: the meme of a 24 Hour Fitness gym entrance in Florida with two massive escalators in-between a narrow ten-step stairwell to get into the gym. And two: the dystopian scene in Wall-E with fat humans who survive the pollution apocalypse and float in space in automated hovercrafts, completely oblivious, watching televisions on a recliner. It’s a sad reflection of our culture. But I do like that they have a ‘kids area’ for parents. And that there is now a Gold’s Gym in-between Downtown LA and Pasadena.

Useful: 4 Funny: 8 Cool: 2

6/30/2018

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Halloween Party at the W Hotel – 2/5 Stars

W Hollywood
$$$ Hotels
6250 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

To sum up the Halloween Party at the W, the top three Halloween costumes were as follows:

Guys:
1. Nothing
2. Sports or professional uniform
3. Something goofy/stupid

Girls:
1. Sexy kitten
2. Playboy bunny
3. Slutty (fill in the blank)

The W Halloween Party Tickets were $25 per person and there was loud Top 40 music playing in the lobby. A muted Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis was playing on the projector screen in the patio area.

In conclusion, there are no words that could describe our disdain for those not dressing up or being a sexy anthropomorphic animal at a Halloween party. We were too far from West Hollywood at the time, but should have used the money for a cab ride and back! Security guards, sans the one screaming at some guy for opening the patio gate, you were too nice and lenient to those you let in.

And to the girl handing out leaflets on the patio: the half-off crystal ball psychic readings coupons you gave us were already expired.

Useful: 0 Funny: 3 Cool: 0

11/1/2013

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hammer Museum – 5/5 Stars

Hammer Museum
Museums
10899 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90024

Hammer is not my favorite museum in Los Angeles. But it is free, and I appreciate that it offers an unholy marriage of the overly conceptual with the more traditional art forms.

Basically, I enjoy reading about the deep philosophies behind some of the crap on the walls. It is always a statement from a 70-year-old that has been doing art his or her entire life and got a PhD in it. (Me in the future.) One room, for example, is pixel art over plexi glass. There are basically three rooms that is dedicated to paint-by-number colored pixels over pictures of trees by artist Charles Gaines. I got the concept from one of these pictures but in case if I didn’t, Hammer has got an entire fleet of his ‘pixel trees’. But honestly, where else can I scoff at such intellectual-aesthetic masturbation so gloriously displayed in a white cube? In one room right next to pixel trees, we got paintings by Degas, Manet, and Cezanne to sprinkle in some of the classics.

Besides looking, there is some touching and interactivity, but mostly in the form of passive interactivity like laying on sculptural rocking chairs, listening to weird organ music on headphones, and reading art books. I am sure the live performances are quite a gas, as they have plenty of streaming documentation of them playing on the televisions with headphones. I once saw David Lynch here promoting his documentary on transcendental meditation in 2013, so I am quite certain that the back of my head was conspicuous if Hammer streamed the recording of this event in one of their galleries. One of the exhibitions in the courtyard is a raised enclosure with hammocks and books labeled by countries. It invites you to pick up and read a book not knowing anything else but the country it is from. I chose Canada and laid on the hammock learning about farming. (See picture.)

One thing that Hammer museum has en masse is docents; Hammer offers an arsenal of UCLA docent undergrads (my friend has been one for a few years) with clickers monitoring your every movement in each gallery space. It is kind of unnerving because most of them are insanely bored. I got stopped by a docent in one room because my messenger bag was touching my back (there is a strict no bags touching your back rule that I was breaking). Also, I get really anxious when I hear that click sound from the clicker once I enter a room, so I lose focus on looking at the artwork and looking at the docent eagerly waiting for my passing through. As I was about to enter a room, I see that trembling finger of a docent desperately waiting to click in my entrance.

Useful: 2 Funny: 4 Cool: 2

5/6/2015

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cafe Gratitude – 3/5 Stars

Cafe Gratitude
$$ Vegan, Vegetarian, Cafes
639 N Larchmont Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90004

LA is such a city of fake gratitude that I can see how a Cafe Gratitude would work better here than in San Francisco. Years before they closed all the locations down in the Bay Area, it felt a lot more casual and hippie and like a cafe. You sit wherever you like, and servers with green dreadlocks casually greet you. It was inexpensive and felt a bit more gritty and bohemian. Now spending $15 on beans, tempeh, and two stale hardened cheese biscuits in a clean, upscale bistro with a smiling server who takes credit cards makes me feel like a smile back is $gratitude.

The surprisingly stale I Am Resolved macadamia cashew cheddar biscuits tasted like they’ve been sitting out all day and definitely were not made at the same time the good beans and tempeh were made, as well as the yummy collards, yams, coleslaw, etc. Perhaps that’s what I should go for next time are the more raw vegetable and nut-based dishes because the oven is probably used only once a day – if that. And I already did just that by ordering the I Am Dazzling vegan caesar salad the next time I came here. Let me tell you that Veggie Grill has a better vegan caesar salad for 1/3 cheaper. The crushed brazil nuts that act as ‘parmesan cheese’ in the I Am Dazzling here definitely still tastes like raw nuts and does not make up for a sharp cheese that it desperately needs. I have been vegan for over 15 years so I am not comparing to ‘real’ cheese in a caesar salad, just the better vegan caesar salads I’ve had in my lifetime. The salad is also underwhelming for the price and the cashew caesar dressing could be more plentiful.

Now I can’t believe I just got into a fight with management at Cafe GRATITUDE over them giving me a hard time about honoring a 10% neighbor discount as a member of this amazing writers’ community/large shared office space next door. Everything is communal and built around trust and cooperation over there. These people at the writers’ community told me that they set up this special discount with the general manager Alice Liu who apparently told them that the managers “all knew” about the discount. One of these managers that “knew” looks at me as if I am crazy and insisted that giving me 10% off would be a favor “just this once”. She even photographed my card because it must’ve been some type of scam I’ve been pulling. What neighbors! I guess the confusion comes not from management but from corporate, aka the vegan sellout owners, who told them as an act of gratitude to discontinue neighbor discounts but to eagerly offer people to sign up for ‘Gratification’ cards as a way to earn ‘gratitude points’ for every fifteen dollars you spend on tempeh. I think that’s why this place thrives in LA.

All in all, all I can say is that I’ve been here so many damn times and gratitude exists here no more. It’s expensive, but still, it has pretty good food and a nice upscale bistro atmosphere. I stopped myself from writing a review here for many years and that was a true act of gratitude towards a friendship with a handsome server who moved up north after years of being here since it first opened. The one great thing about this place is their only milkshake ever that they offer. The vegan mint milkshake is incredible and worth coming here for by itself.

Useful: 8 Funny: 6 Cool: 8

10/21/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Lapperts Ice Cream – 2/5 Stars (Owner Response)

Lappert’s Premium Gourmet Ice Cream – Palm Springs
$ Ice Cream & Frozen Yogurt, Shaved Ice, Juice Bars & Smoothies
130 N Palm Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262

I found the old couple who owns this place to be annoying and pushy. I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT THE DAMN ICE CREAM before making a decision and the old man kept talking my ear off, trying to make me speed up my decision after I told him three times that I need another minute. At that point, I had probably only been in the shop for SECONDS after him showing me about four or five flavors of ice cream. Honestly, both my partner and I were so turned off by old man motormouth pressuring us to make a decision and annoyingly just not being able to stop namedropping different flavors that we just left. I don’t get it. Although this place fills up really fast, he seemed so desperate like someone who hasn’t seen customers all day. I basically threw in the towel and walked out and we went to Ben & Jerry’s. Lol.

What actually helped speed my decision besides this place seeming to have a bit of a grim and outdated facade was seeing that only tiny slivers of the papaya sorbet – the flavor that I really wanted to try here – was left along the perimeter of the tin. And the guy, after recommending all the flavors, said that the papaya sorbet was out but he could get more from the back, as if he’d be doing us such the big favor not scraping that tin bone dry.

By the way, the peanut butter and cookie almond ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s was marvelous guys, so thanks for not shutting up.

Useful: 2 Funny: 6 Cool: 3

8/10/2016

Comment from Joseph G. of Lappert’s Premium Gourmet Ice Cream – Palm Springs
Business Owner

Dear Christine:

Thank you for your review. But I feel you might have the wrong Ice Cream store? my wife one of the owners is under 40 years old and I am in my early 50?. you kept saying in your review old man??? you also said we carry Papaya we never have carried it and you said it was in the vin we don’t carry metal. We have bins that the Ice Cream is in. maybe this is the first time for you in a Ice Cream store?? Thank you for your pleasant review, Adam

8/12/2016

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Flowering Tree – 4/5 Stars

The Flowering Tree – CLOSED
$$ American (New), Breakfast & Brunch
8253 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046

Some dislikes but my god the food is good…

First, so many reviews here say “there are so many vegan options” but don’t even go further to describe them. No there are not so many vegan options here. But there are a few, albeit delicious, options that can be modified to be made vegan. I am going to submit a request to the Yelp mod bots to remove “vegetarian” from the categories because the bulk majority of the food items come with chicken, turkey or fish. It confused me to say the least. It is as much of a stretch to label this place vegetarian as it would be calling Urth Caffe a vegetarian place, but all can be forgiven now that I am in the know…

I ordered the Tofu Scramble that comes with three Eggs “Without Eggs” on the dropdown menu on Eat24. When I arrived, there was a handsome guy in front with glasses who saw that the cook didn’t read the instructions and made this thing with eggs. They almost had a tiny argument about it. Front: “It says to make it without eggs.” Cook: “Yeah I made it with eggs!” Hence, if modifying any of the food here from Eat24, it may help to write no eggs in Spanish so the cooks understand better. Lo escribe en Español: “SIN HUEVOS.” It took about ten minutes to correct the mistake and I appreciated that the remake wasn’t rushed. It was nice to hang out here for a bit as the atmosphere is nice, very quiet and casual.

The Tofu Scramble without Eggs is prepared more like what I would call a Veggie Tofu Stir-fry with brown rice. Although I was hoping for proper tofu scramble, their tofu stir-fry is one of the best I’ve had in a while. And probably the best in Los Angeles. It’s light, the brown rice is incredibly delicious and the vegetables (sauteed spinach and broccoli) were phenomenal. The portion was definitely not skimpy and it came with toast. Actually, the toast was probably my least favorite. They took the time to prepare such good organic food and serve it with prepackaged sliced bread and also with Smuckers Jam (is far from being organic and is made with high fructose corn syrup) and non-vegan butter packets. It’s a bit of a poor touch for an otherwise exquisite meal.

Useful: 8 Funny: 1 Cool: 2

4/14/2017

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Virgin America – 2/5 Stars

Virgin America – CLOSED
Airlines
600 World Way
Los Angeles, CA 90045

A company that is as old as the invention of the iPod is pushing it when it blames its newness as a defense. Virgin America’s human resources still calls itself a new company and as a new company, it is still in development. How can a seven-year-old company that hasn’t changed at all over the past seven years claim this?! ‘Sorry, but we’re new’ will not fly, Virgin America.

I remember when I began to fly on Virgin America almost seven years ago and it was the same experience I have now, except there were more freebies back then. I have flown countless times since and I am not asking Virgin America to change the infrastructure of the entire company when I contacted human resources. I was asking to add another vegan flight option besides a kids option: the ‘Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich’. Especially when said half sandwich runs out, and I am on a seven-hour flight from New York to Los Angeles and am HUNGRY!

You know those annoying people who will -only- eat kosher, halal or um vegan food? This is me. I not only expected that they would have enough of peanut butter and jelly sandwich halves, but something else. Come on? I mean, there are as many vegan people as gay people nowadays, especially in the places Virgin America flies out of like Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York.

After surviving on cold gazpacho (three or so tomato juices), I emailed guest relations twice. After the first person Lilliana’s response was a lame forward to in-flight catering, I then got the manager Michael to respond to me. Both of their responses was to forward the comments to in-flight catering. Michael the manager’s response went on to say that vegan is a special meal request, but in-flight catering is constantly improving a menu that has not changed at all in seven years:

“The demand for such meals is limited and our service design is simple. We do, however, pay particular attention during menu design to meeting as many dietary preferences as possible. With that said; we are a new company and will be assessing all of our guests’ comments. As Lilliana has mentioned, your email has been forwarded on to our Inflight Catering Management team for review. Based on feedback, we will consider changes to our service offerings.”

If it really takes another seven years to consider another vegan option besides the ‘Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich’, Virgin America is doomed. I thought this was the cool airline. Claiming to be ignorant based on being young means trying to be proactive about it and not regressive like the old-timer airlines. I even gave Virgin America almost six months to think about what they should do and do it, and looking at the menu now, of course nothing has changed.

Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich, you are the only beacon of a hungry vegan’s hope. Pathetic.

Useful: 3 Funny: 8 Cool: 1

12/1/2012

Aug

2021

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hi Tofu – 5/5 Stars

Hi Tofu
$$ Specialty Food, Korean, Vegetarian
32459 Temecula Pkwy
Temecula, CA 92592

Hi Tofu!

Tofu: Hi, how are you?

Eh. What are you doing besides chilling?

Tofu: Nothing. What do you mean by … ‘Eh’?

Well, I don’t know what to do about my sister.

Tofu: What’s that?

Well, I believe the scariest thing about going to a Korean restaurant for the first time is being presented with a solid egg. She hated the experience because of it.

Tofu: Dude, tell her it’s traditional. The egg. Like, Korean food is not Korean food without the Egg. She needs to put it in the boiling soup. She needs to. It’s like Easter without the Egg. It doesn’t work.

Oh. what about people who don’t eat egg?

Tofu: Dude, no.

—

Hi Tofu is the best tofu. They accept credit cards too! The ajumma is persistent about the egg being dropped into the appropriate bowl. (The ajumma is savvy about non-egg eaters too.) The spicy soups are perfectly spiced. You are presented with side trays galore with delicious kimchi as one. The bimbimbap is very flavorful. The store is quaint, minimalist and I like that it is hidden. I’d rather have a large storefront window facing trees than a parking lot.

Useful: 2 Funny: 8 Cool: 2

1/15/2013