Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hot Java – 4/5 Stars

Hot Java
$ Coffee & Tea, Breakfast & Brunch
2101 E Broadway
Long Beach, CA 90803

The only time I’ve ever gotten a pedicure was on whim with my mother many years ago. We were at the shopping center and the experience was so disturbingly prissy and over-the-top that I have taken a solemn oath never shall I have uniform toenails again.

Hot Java is the footsie male’s ottoman. You can find the archetypal footsie here wiggling his manicured toes in $40 designer flip flops. Toe wiggling is a come-hither approach to grabbing the attention of the guy across the ottoman. I’m not sure if it’s a phallic gesture within the foot fetish but there is a ton of wiggling action here.

Besides toe wiggling as an instinctual mating dance, Hot Java hosts a ton of kitschy artifice, ornate rugs, a fake fireplace and gender assigned bathrooms to make things confusing. The layout is like that of an old aunt’s disorganized living room. Thanksgiving is good and all but there is no pool table or video games. I want to go home!

I don’t understand the point of gender-assigned bathrooms in this coffee shop. I’ve seen more men exit the women’s bathroom than the men’s. The arbitrary labels are ridiculous especially for those in larger proportion of the queer community who figuratively skirt the gender label. I never used the men’s bathroom myself. The women’s bathroom must install a unisex urinal for those who pee both ways!

The drinks are fair AND hot.

Useful: 3 Funny: 6 Cool: 5