Two-Star Reviews

Hollywood Studio Alterations by Alex
Sewing & Alterations
6420 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

I really have had low expectations when it comes to tailoring. My motto is: as long as it fits, I am happy. I could care less about the straightness of the stitching, or uniformity of it or silly nuances that nobody else would notice except the person who is wearing it.

Until now! Well I surprised myself with actually having expectations because apparently I did. I took one shirt (new) and two old corduroy pants here. I guess with all these raving reviews, I was surprised when I got back a slightly asymmetrical tapered shirt and two shorts with strangely uneven and high, almost an inch from the bottom, stitching patterns. They reminded me of how my friend Kiernan sewed me a pair of shorts cut up from jeans on his tiny Singer sewing machine from what he learned for a high school sewing course. The shirt was tighter on the left side than the right. I had to confirm this with my partner because I thought I was going crazy.

This tailor shop seemed highly recommended by Yelp and is about a mile away from me, which is why I came. The owner or the guy working here was really gruff and not ‘friendly’ as indicated in numerous reviews and he assumed I was from Yelp. Perhaps it was because I have a full sleeve of tattoos, long hair, and didn’t have a thousand-dollar suit with me that I am some goober from Yelp. In any event, he certainly didn’t treat me any nicer. Back to the two ratty corduroy pants I had: one pair was so badly faded and worn, that I wanted to turn them to shorts. The other pair I had picked up for $4 at a Salvation Army in the Inland Empire, originally from Old Navy. They were so fancy, the velcro on the back pockets still worked, sort of. I also wanted to turn these to shorts.

He tried to sell me on $50 for tailoring two pairs of pants into shorts. This is over double what I’ve paid for not only the pants but for other things I’ve gotten tailored in at least other two tailor shops. I declined, since I could go elsewhere for half the cost. He negotiated down to $40. Fine.

This guy’s accent made it hard to understand him. He sounded like the “YOU BUY, YOU BUY!” Roma street merchant on the Simpsons who tried to sell Lisa a dead octopus when she got lost in the Russian part of town.

After he negotiated down the ridiculously high price to a high price, he then wanted me to schedule a time.

Him: (In heavy accent, him missing some connecting verbs and prepositions) What day you want pick up?

Me: Anytime, it’s up to you.

Him: NO, what day you want pick up?

Me: Okay then, how about today or tomorrow?

Him: NO, you pick up Sunday. 3 p.m. Cash only.

What the fuck? If you are so picky about days, then pick a day yourself dude like I originally suggested. And cash only? There was a credit card machine not even a foot away from me next to the door.

I would NOT recommend this place unless I was a lame news anchor or suit and tie professional making a six or seven (or eight or nine) figure salary in the immediate area. I guess I could then brag to my colleagues at a chichi cafe about my adventurous trip to an off the beaten path tailoring shack on a crummy parking lot off Hollywood and Cahuenga.

Extra star because they still look decent. Bottom line, not worth it!

Useful: 6  Funny: 3  Cool: 0

11/10/2013

Starbucks
$$ Coffee & Tea
2138 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

These Starbucks with the new ‘Starbucks Reserve’ bars are supposed to bring an experiential quality of a high-end brewery. I came here believing that they’re meant to attract people who want coffee that’s actually good – like say Demitasse or Stumptown or Ritual. Based on my ‘Starbucks Reserve’ cold brew in this zombie craftsman house with the midcentury decor of a store, they fail.

It tastes no different than their regular cold brew but delivered in a plastic sippy cup with the Reserve®®®®® logo. The price difference – I believe – is reflected in that you can take your sippy cup home with you and make the toddlers in your hood green with envy.

I came here with hopes that it would taste as good as a cold brew like say Maru down the hill or H Cafe further down the hill. But no. No! It offers the same bitter powdered coffee bean aftertaste that its regular cold brew offers. I gave them back the plastic adult sippy cup preferring that it would take up the space in their recycling bin (I hope they recycle or reuse) instead of mine.

There’s creepy 1940s music playing nonstop at this location. To go with the music, there are furniture pieces and architecture of the era. The furniture, except for the couches, is very uncomfortable. I’ve recently come to become acquainted with the term ‘hostile architecture’, which includes those armrests at LAX that don’t let you lay down or benches at parks or subways that are too small or sloped that don’t let you do anything but lean. Here, there’s ‘passive-aggressive architecture’. There ARE tables and there ARE chairs. But they are disproportionate in size and actually don’t work together for laptops or drinks really. There are no outlets. And the chairs are pretty uncomfortable.

Useful: 5  Funny: 2  Cool: 3

4/3/2018

The Blue Rose – CLOSED
Desserts, Vegan, Coffee & Tea
1253 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Things have not gotten better here and I find this place to be off-putting. I found out through eavesdropping that the owners have a vegan consultant on board. This guy told a woman who made a web series that featured this place that unlike Doomies this place isn’t doing great.

Big news there. And I can tell you exactly why this place isn’t doing great without the need for a paid consultant! For one, they have menu items that aren’t consistently available. If they don’t have a cold brew, like today for example, take it off the chalkboard! The vegan valley girl working at the counter was like yeah no we’re like brewing that right now and we won’t have it until tomorrow, while there was a half-finished cold brew next to her that was apparently hers. Great thanks for reminding that I don’t have a time machine.

Also, every interaction I’ve had with the baristas here has been mildly annoying. I feel awful for sounding rude but I feel like I’m dealing with not the sharpest tools in the shed here. Maybe it’s in part that their staff is working in a cafe that is usually out of things or trying to pass off a lot of their stuff that is stale, so they seem foolish when they are out of stuff or when it has to be remade when they get caught. I honestly hope that’s what I am sensing. That brings me to my last point: they serve stale stuff.

For example, a few months before this last time I was here, I asked for coffee. It was 4pm and the coffee that was sitting out all day due to the lack of customers was cold. Instead of making a new brew, the barista took the cold coffee, put it in a cup and steamed it. I have been in pretty sketchy coffee shops and never have I seen anyone ever do that before. I saw her do this and it tasted like hot stale coffee. I confronted her about it. She was quick to say sorry and made me an americano.

I’ve been vegan for 15 years and would rather go to a non-vegan coffee shop than support a vegan coffee shop that is committed to vegan things that 1. is inconsistent, 2. serves stale food/drink and 3. is poorly managed and run. It’s embarrassing as a vegan that this place represents the only vegan coffee shop/bakery of its kind in the area. They also play crappy Top 40 music. It’s as dead as when I first visited here a year ago and it should have no reason to be. But since it is, and they are tarnishing the reputation of their amazing sibling Doomies, please close down or hand the baton over to someone who has the time and willpower to turn this place around.

Useful: 8  Funny: 1  Cool: 5

4/20/2015

Previous review

I’M NOT REALLY SURE what to make of The Blue Rose.

First time I went in here, I had a vegan chorizo/nopales croissant. Although it was under a glass, it tasted slightly stale and the most disappointing part was that it was not actually filled with soy-rizo. It was a soy-rizo jelly-like essence. This undynamic paste made me against getting another option, the vegan turkey thyme croissant, in the future as I want to taste the flesh, not jelly. So I decided to bypass getting another croissant from here.

The second time I came in here, I had a Greek salad, which was already made, and with an Italian dressing. (There were wars between these two countries, this is an unlikely pairing for a salad.) When I asked for a cup of water, things got really strange. The girl looked at me as if she has never heard anyone ask for water before, looked around the area for a cup, and then went to the broom closet next to the bathroom. In the tiny closet was a stack of 32oz Coca Cola cups and pulled out a 32oz Coca Cola cup.

And I kid you not, she filled the entire 32 ounce Coca Cola cup with water. This turned out not to be so disconcerting because I was actually really dehydrated from bike riding in 90 degree weather and drank almost the whole thing. I stopped when I looked inside the cup and the bottom was peppered with black specks of dust particles. I am not sure if this was from the cup sitting in the broom closet or if the ice or water was dirty.

The feta cheese in the salad was light and subtle; and the salad is fresh and well proportioned. There are a lot of other delicious-looking vegan options here so I hope the tiny holes of this place get patched. I also hope more people come here because this place is perpetually empty. It makes me question the freshness of the selection of food, like the disappointing croissants, that don’t sell. Honestly, soy-rizo essences, jellies and flavorings might indeed be vegan, but you don’t win friends with meat jelly.

Useful: 4  Funny: 2  Cool: 1

5/2/2014

W Hollywood
$$$ Hotels
6250 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

To sum up the Halloween Party at the W, the top three Halloween costumes were as follows:

Guys:
1. Nothing
2. Sports or professional uniform
3. Something goofy/stupid

Girls:
1. Sexy kitten
2. Playboy bunny
3. Slutty (fill in the blank)

The W Halloween Party Tickets were $25 per person and there was loud Top 40 music playing in the lobby. A muted Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis was playing on the projector screen in the patio area.

In conclusion, there are no words that could describe our disdain for those not dressing up or being a sexy anthropomorphic animal at a Halloween party. We were too far from West Hollywood at the time, but should have used the money for a cab ride and back! Security guards, sans the one screaming at some guy for opening the patio gate, you were too nice and lenient to those you let in.

And to the girl handing out leaflets on the patio: the half-off crystal ball psychic readings coupons you gave us were already expired.

Useful: 0  Funny: 3  Cool: 0

11/1/2013

Lappert’s Premium Gourmet Ice Cream – Palm Springs
$ Ice Cream & Frozen Yogurt, Shaved Ice, Juice Bars & Smoothies
130 N Palm Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262

I found the old couple who owns this place to be annoying and pushy. I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT THE DAMN ICE CREAM before making a decision and the old man kept talking my ear off, trying to make me speed up my decision after I told him three times that I need another minute. At that point, I had probably only been in the shop for SECONDS after him showing me about four or five flavors of ice cream. Honestly, both my partner and I were so turned off by old man motormouth pressuring us to make a decision and annoyingly just not being able to stop namedropping different flavors that we just left. I don’t get it. Although this place fills up really fast, he seemed so desperate like someone who hasn’t seen customers all day. I basically threw in the towel and walked out and we went to Ben & Jerry’s. Lol.

What actually helped speed my decision besides this place seeming to have a bit of a grim and outdated facade was seeing that only tiny slivers of the papaya sorbet – the flavor that I really wanted to try here – was left along the perimeter of the tin. And the guy, after recommending all the flavors, said that the papaya sorbet was out but he could get more from the back, as if he’d be doing us such the big favor not scraping that tin bone dry.

By the way, the peanut butter and cookie almond ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s was marvelous guys, so thanks for not shutting up.

Useful: 2  Funny: 6  Cool: 3

8/10/2016

Comment from Joseph G. of Lappert’s Premium Gourmet Ice Cream – Palm Springs
Business Owner

Dear Christine:

Thank you for your review. But I feel you might have the wrong Ice Cream store? my wife one of the owners is under 40 years old and I am in my early 50?. you kept saying in your review old man??? you also said we carry Papaya we never have carried it and you said it was in the vin we don’t carry metal. We have bins that the Ice Cream is in. maybe this is the first time for you in a Ice Cream store?? Thank you for your pleasant review, Adam

8/12/2016

Virgin America – CLOSED
Airlines
600 World Way
Los Angeles, CA 90045

A company that is as old as the invention of the iPod is pushing it when it blames its newness as a defense. Virgin America’s human resources still calls itself a new company and as a new company, it is still in development. How can a seven-year-old company that hasn’t changed at all over the past seven years claim this?! ‘Sorry, but we’re new’ will not fly, Virgin America.

I remember when I began to fly on Virgin America almost seven years ago and it was the same experience I have now, except there were more freebies back then. I have flown countless times since and I am not asking Virgin America to change the infrastructure of the entire company when I contacted human resources. I was asking to add another vegan flight option besides a kids option: the ‘Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich’. Especially when said half sandwich runs out, and I am on a seven-hour flight from New York to Los Angeles and am HUNGRY!

You know those annoying people who will -only- eat kosher, halal or um vegan food? This is me. I not only expected that they would have enough of peanut butter and jelly sandwich halves, but something else. Come on? I mean, there are as many vegan people as gay people nowadays, especially in the places Virgin America flies out of like Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York.

After surviving on cold gazpacho (three or so tomato juices), I emailed guest relations twice. After the first person Lilliana’s response was a lame forward to in-flight catering, I then got the manager Michael to respond to me. Both of their responses was to forward the comments to in-flight catering. Michael the manager’s response went on to say that vegan is a special meal request, but in-flight catering is constantly improving a menu that has not changed at all in seven years:

“The demand for such meals is limited and our service design is simple. We do, however, pay particular attention during menu design to meeting as many dietary preferences as possible. With that said; we are a new company and will be assessing all of our guests’ comments. As Lilliana has mentioned, your email has been forwarded on to our Inflight Catering Management team for review. Based on feedback, we will consider changes to our service offerings.”

If it really takes another seven years to consider another vegan option besides the ‘Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich’, Virgin America is doomed. I thought this was the cool airline. Claiming to be ignorant based on being young means trying to be proactive about it and not regressive like the old-timer airlines. I even gave Virgin America almost six months to think about what they should do and do it, and looking at the menu now, of course nothing has changed.

Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich, you are the only beacon of a hungry vegan’s hope. Pathetic.

Useful: 3  Funny: 8  Cool: 1

12/1/2012

Du-Pars Restaurant and Bakery – CLOSED
Bakeries, American (Traditional), Breakfast & Brunch
12036 Ventura Blvd
Studio City, CA 91604

It was important that my friend take me here because “David Lynch was once here writing Twin Peaks” and at the same time I come here having irreverent flashbacks of the same era. The amazingly awful gold chandeliers, carpet, and brown furniture hit me with memories of growing up and eating at a diner in Morris County, New Jersey circa 1990. I was 7 years old and eating a tiny bowl of macaroni and cheese in red glasses and an ugly sweater with a turtleneck underneath. All of my relatives who later died of cancers and dementias were not decrepit-looking yet and eating varying forms of diner meat with opaque gravies and cream sauces.

There is nothing I would eat here anymore, so I had coffee and watched my friend enjoy his chicken noodle soup and boysenberry pie. I would have been fine with just drinking a good, strong coffee from a lipstick-smudged and scratched-up mug the waiter had given me, had the lipstick smudge been just on the outer brim on one side. Nope. The pink lipstick was actually way more apparent on the underside of the mug, upstaged by heavy scratches all along the other side of the mug. (See picture.) Perhaps a waitress was having a bad day in the break-room, but how and why did I get her dirty, scratched-up break-room mug when everyone else near us had clean, different shaped, and brand new mugs? I can see how David Lynch found inspiration for a murder mystery here.

Too bad the coffee was good, or else this lipstick-smudged scratched-up mug would have seen a stale muddy brew go to waste.

Useful: 5  Funny: 8  Cool: 5

1/10/2015

Bliss Art House Cafe – CLOSED
$ Creperies, Juice Bars & Smoothies, Cafes
1249 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Bliss Art House Cafe is, in one word, grim.

The cafe located is located at the front of Villa Elaine apartments, which in itself is one of the last bastions of amazing and historically important artist communities in Hollywood.

These apartment buildings are incredibly beautiful and full of history. Artists keep up the gardening and upkeep of Villa Elaine (in the courtyard behind the coffee shop). Walking through the apartment courtyard (if the front gate is not locked), you see sculptures, amazing gardens and murals. It is truly the last remnants of a bohemian Silver Lake or Echo Park in Hollywood. The abstract and dadaist photographer Man Ray most famously lived in this building in the 1940s.

And then once you exit the gate and there is this lonely troll of a cafe, with its dim and almost worn up facade.

The cafe is truly dark. The furniture is oversized and takes up the entire space. The people here look like that not only they come here to suffer but are invited to join in on the suffering. Like if I ever just found out I got a terminal illness, the mood of this cafe is exactly what I’d want to surround myself in.

This place smells like history is in the front seat and the coffee tastes like it too.

Useful: 5  Funny: 10  Cool: 5

1/5/2014

Sunset Marquis
$$$ Hotels
1200 Alta Loma Rd
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Forty years ago – back when it was a divey Sunset Marquis with a dirty astroturf-surrounded pool, people took pictures of their hedonistic rock star friends passed out on their plastic patio furniture.

Sometime in the recent past, the folks who brought you heavily manicured gated apartment complexes purchased this hotel and gave it a kind of Floridian lawn in the jungle kind of vibe. IT IS REALLY FITTING FOR THE AREA! I mean – jesus – even with the lush green and secluded tropical plant-lined paths, you cannot really forget you are in drought-stricken Los Angeles. Look upwards into the sky and you’ll find high-rises under construction voraciously towering the nearby area. Maybe if everything withers away when the water runs out, and the two pools dry out, you’ll find the aura, a semblance, of the cool rock star hotel that the books found in each of the hotel rooms and the art gallery in front is trying to push about this dump.

When I was staying in the hotel with a friend, it was so air-conditioned and the grey cubicle kind of rooms that exude the near colorless gradient of the innards of an empty seashell gave me a kind of sobering headache. My friend kept pushing me to look at the book – look at the book! The heavy table book contained pictures of Joe Strummer, Joan Jett and Bob Marley in the 70s, back when this place seemed to hold a kind of edgy vibrance about it. It’s strange in a way because what’s cool about this place can only be found in ‘the book’ and in their art gallery. Everything else is now clean, hidden, pool and $6 toasted bagels at their breakfast place.

Useful: 10  Funny: 7  Cool: 6

8/26/2015

Turo (Formerly RelayRides)
Car Rental, Car Share Services
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Relay Rides is great if you’re looking for a long-term car rental. But beware! They’re less enthusiastic about short-term car rentals.

I live a half-mile radius (Hollywood/Western) of 15 cars that require at least 5 days for car rentals and there is no way to filter this annoyance out through the app. Basically I live near a couple of douchey people who make a living by offering ‘their’ fleet of Priuses for a minimum of 5 to 7 days. Once again, there is absolutely NO way to filter these asshats out through the search function on the app. So if you want to connect to renters who offer only day rentals, like going to Laguna from Los Angeles for a day excursion, happy weeding.

I emailed RelayRides about it and their customer support person Wendy writes back to me a confusing sentence with grammatical and spelling errors after an automated “Thank you for contacting RelayRides!”:

“many of the vehicles listed the owner’s do not have a minimum time that you would need to rent the vehicle.”

So great, I take the time to write to customer support and they basically dismiss my message in broken English and tell me that no there are many short-term options. Not helpful. I doubt they forwarded this message I sent to management after I asked them to, so I’ll use Yelp and write it in caps lock:

PLEASE CREATE A FILTER FOR FINDING SHORT-TERM RENTALS ON THE APP! There is an option for finding long-term car rentals. Why not short-term car rentals?

Useful: 11  Funny: 5  Cool: 2

6/25/2015

Sweeney Todd’s Barber Shop
$$ Barbers
4639 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027

I got a haircut here over a year ago. The experience here still sort of pinches my memory.

First, the idea of a half-century old barber shop is so cute. Big old-fashioned chairs and tables and men with conservative short brown haircuts line this store. If men with short brown haircuts are having homosexual sex with each other here, it is behind the backdoor where the door is kept closed and never spoken about or mentioned again. Aw, 1950s.

That’s where it ends. It took me almost an hour to get my haircut. Not because it was particularly busy, but because the guy who chose to do my hair decided to take a long break after seating me in the chair. After telling me to get up on the chair, he went outside to take a call on his cell phone. It took him five minutes to do this. He came back inside and saw that the garbage needed to be taken out, so he did this and was gone again, for almost another ten minutes. Maybe he WAS having homosexual sex. Before he even came back, a guy who was seated in another barber chair after me was already finished with his haircut by another guy who took him and left.

I felt like I was having a sit-in without being black. I was almost about to get up from the chair and leave when he finally came in. Okay, yeah, I should NOT ask for point-cutting or razor cutting in a 1940s/1950s-style barber shop so I didn’t. I described to him what I wanted as if I was role-playing being Jack Kerouac at a barber shop or something. But it felt more lame than cool.

He said, “I’m gonna give you some jags.”

“Jags” seemed to describe exactly what I wanted without saying something gay and modern like point-cutting. He took the scissors, swooped them upwards into my bangs, four or five times. He cut my hair efficiently fast. I was done in no time, certainly in less time than having waited in the big barber chair.

All in all, I’m glad I had the experience of coming here than the experience in itself. I believe the 1950s is best left in the 1950s. It is a very niche barber shop for the conservative-haired man!

Useful: 11  Funny: 8  Cool: 0

4/19/2013

Los Angeles LGBT Center
Community Service/Non-Profit
1625 Schrader Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

The LGBT Center is exploding with bureaucracy. They seem to hire people just to further cloud up the gray-areas between departments. If I can give one helpful tip, it is to know your doctor’s email address. It will be the letter of their first name followed by their last name @lalgbtcenter.org. It will save you from A LOT of bureaucratic nonsense from reception.

I once had to get a signature from my doctor who knew I was coming back from the prior day. I went to reception who said it was impossible to get since I didn’t have an appointment and they can’t accept documents or put them into the doctor’s mailbox. But “I can set you up with a social worker next Tuesday.” WTF. I went online to find out what my doctor’s email address was and they got back to me within ten minutes. I had to go around reception and hand it off.

If you don’t email but need to get in contact without an appointment, good luck. You’ve got to deal with a reception staff who will be as helpful as bouncers at a busy Hollywood nightclub. It seems that the LGBT Center management encourages them to practice a kind of TSA-style fascism and treat everyone as if they’re broke junkies who change home addresses by the night and are looking for free drugs from the benevolent LGBT Center. If you can’t wait for a doctor’s appointment in two months, you can get an appointment with a social worker in one week! Yay. The line is slow because they are required to ask for your full address, name, and date of birth every time you see one of them. Every appointment takes a month to few months to get. If you have an appointment that requires a follow-up, you will be asked the same questions before and after that appointment.

Just last week I was here trying to check in at 9am. I had to wait for the receptionist to finish with a patient’s long request to check me in. About ten minutes into it, the transwoman who sits all the way to the left comes in. She stands up from her desk and looks at me, so I walk over.

Transwoman: OH MY GOD I DID NOT CALL YOU. I AM NOT OPEN YET!

(Another five minutes later. Line literally grew from just me to 20 people while she just sat there.)

Dude with a desk: (Opens door and walks out of adjacent office.) Follow me.

Me: Hi, I just want to check in.

Dude with a desk: SIT DOWN. What is your address?

Me: 5217 Hollywood Blvd. I just want to check in.

Dude with a desk: (Ignores request.) What is your last name? Is this your first time here?

My sister worked as a receptionist for a medical center and once told me that reception marks your chart indicating if the patient is a troublemaker. I probably have a ton of marks on my damn chart because I have the misfortune of having trouble on every floor with TSA-like reception and staff. I can’t help it. I mentioned Floor 3’s reception. Ground Level – A pharmacy receptionist, an older hispanic woman, just in this past week rejected my signature because my signature “looks too much like a line” after the credit card machine prompted me if I want any help. No. Just in case if I changed my mind, she yells, “PHARMACIST!” “Hi, do you have any questions?” No. Floor 4 – A year ago, a receptionist flipped out because I knocked on the window after she looked at me waiting to check in, only to physically turn around to finish her conversation about what she was going to have for lunch with her coworker.

My partner’s appointment was cancelled because the LGBT Center had a power failure in their building and he was scheduled for a financial screening. While management sits with their hands on their butt, reception staff have no other protocol than to act as if it was his fault and he cancelled that appointment. Reception told him that his only option was to come in the morning and be on call, otherwise rescheduling will take months.

The departments don’t have access to each others’ files so you have to fill out all your info separately for each department. Rather than centralizing information, like with iPads, everything runs through 1990s Filemaker-like programs. Each department has their own server and only have access to their own set of files. Nobody from any department has any idea what the other department is up to so they yoyo you back to reception. If you need a job, management loves hiring new people to take care of what they don’t know. This place is too big for its own good and it would run way more efficiently with self check-in iPads and a centralized database.

All in all:

1. RECEPTION SUCKS HERE! LGBT Center needs an easier way for people checking in, scheduling appointments and updating personal info. Once again get iPads instead of more staff and create a centralized database. Concentrate on those who need help getting in contact with their doctors instead of interrogating everyone before they check in.
2. Need departments to communicate with each other.
3. Need to take responsibility for canceling appointments.
4. Fucking transparency and less bureaucracy.

Useful: 12  Funny: 4  Cool: 3

4/21/2016

Daily Donuts
$ Donuts
1908 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

For anyone referencing vegan donuts in LA – the donuts here are not vegan and never were vegan!

When I did a search for vegan donuts, this place kept appearing because ‘A T.’ wrote a review in 2011 claiming that the glaze donuts are vegan because they don’t use egg in them. Apparently that is untrue – one of the workers flatly told me this week that the mix they use for all of the donuts is the same and already has egg in them.

I would have loved giving myself an excuse for biking up that hill to get here but they’re not just sugar and oil! I am not sure why s/he didn’t get sick from eating donuts with dairy in them, but don’t use that as a litmus test for judging the ingredients!

The place itself is low-key, kind of attractive yet grimy greasy spoon quality about it.

Read my lips:
No
Vegan
Donuts

Useful: 19 Funny: 2 Cool: 2

8/13/2015

Lassens Natural Foods & Vitamins
$$ Vitamins & Supplements, Organic Stores, Delis
1631 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

The $9.99 Only Store is like an open dumpster of Whole Foods day-olds and haters are gonna hate an organic store with prices as high as imports shipped off the coast of a tiny island in the Maldives.

This building was supposed to turn into a Fresh & Easy, but instead of a Fresh & Easy, Echo Park has gotten an Old & Hard. The salad bar and pre-made items look like they sit around for hours, even with a lot of foot traffic around them, because not many others besides myself can swallow purchasing a container filled with something that would be more expensive than dining out at Sage Organic Vegan across the street. I have walked around this store at least twice in a stupor desperately looking to purchase something that I felt wouldn’t be ripping me off.

I don’t think they expect people to buy much here. But for those who do, Lassens seem to not so humbly ask those who can afford the $3 to $5 price inflation to give back to the community. Hopefully this will be made in good health, rather than in the form of another $30,000 donation to help fight gay marriage by Prop 8-supporting and gayby-fearing Mr. and Mrs. Lassen.

It’s an extraordinary store, if by what I mean by extraordinary is that it probably is going to quickly outgrow itself with high prices like these and replace their ugly wood laminate floors with gold laminate bricks.

Useful: 16  Funny: 6  Cool: 7

1/26/2015

LA iPhone Repair, iPad & Unlock
Mobile Phone Repair
7218 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046

They couldn’t help me out. In fact they blamed me for the problem! It was a stripped screw, which kept them from removing a broken phone screen.

I came in with the broken screen in my hand. The first thing the younger guy says to me is, “oh my god, you’re bleeding! Did you get into an accident?!” He saw the red ink on my tattoos. Unfortunately that was the best thing I heard all day and things quickly went downhill from there.

About fifteen minutes after they tried desperately to remove the screen. The older guy said something along the lines that someone stripped the screw on this phone, it wasn’t them and there is nothing that they can do about it. He hands back the phone with one screw out and the stripped screw stuck in it. I was pissed off.

I called Cheapest iPhone Repair Shop downtown and told them about the stripped screw. They said it was easy to get the broken screen out, just break open the broken screen and remove it that way. It made sense. Cheapest iPhone Repair was surprised that the repair shop I went to couldn’t help me out and asked me about who couldn’t remove the stripped screw. I said this place on Melrose. The guy on the phone was not surprised.

I went halfway around town and brought the phone over there and they fixed it within 15 minutes.

Useful: 20  Funny: 6  Cool: 10

11/14/2015

Zen Center San Francisco
$$ Bookstores, Community Service/Non-Profit
300 Page St
San Francisco, CA 94102

Rules for being Zen:

1. Shave your head.

2. Wear black.

3. Act like you’re on Adderall or Ritalin. If you don’t know how to do this, just talk in a monotone voice.

4. When upset, explain to visitors passively that they did something wrong without saying so.

Example: When someone takes someone else’s cut bananas that they left behind in a kitchen, tell them in a monotone voice that they took Suzanne’s cut bananas and mention her name, to shame them.

1. Be over 40, otherwise people will seriously doubt your commitment.

~~~

My friend who is over 40 and has existential issues had paid a couple of hundred dollars for us stay at the Zen Center for two nights for a film he was doing. This is the second time I’ve been here, first time I have actually ever stayed here. I tried meditating here the first time I visited and thought nothing of it. Actually staying here was the most pretentiously unpretentious load of crap I have ever done.

The best way to describe staying at this place is in sadomasochistic terms: self-flagellation. If the idea of sitting by yourself in a dim room for hours and having a circle jerk with god is not enlightening enough, you are living as if you were in the 1910s. The only electricity that is used here is for lights. It even looks like the 1910s; the antique showers look like they haven’t been cleaned since King George V reigned England.

If you are a layperson who is not 40+ and who does not seek atonement and who finds himself or herself in the conundrum of staying here, recognize that you will be staying in a convent. No shoes are allowed in most of the rooms; the hallways smell like the sweaty shoes that are left in front of the doors. No talking. No alcohol. No caffeine. No meat. Walk slowly. No entering rooms without permission. Mind your manners. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. Respect the walls. Respect the floor. Respect the doors. Respect the ceiling. Respect the grime on the showers.

I am vegan, self-aware and live quite an ascetic lifestyle without the convent. The rules imposed on me in this place make me want to rebel and become a meat-eating barfly who yells at sports games on television. Staying at this place was anything but calming for me. I felt like I was making the most out of being in cultural rehab. It felt like the people staying here are/were almost exclusively white upper middle class people with catholic or jewish guilt and who wanted to institutionalize themselves in order to make atonement for once being assholes. The vegan food they make is probably the best part of the stay but you have to sit in a communal gathering, look at the table and not talk. Very spiritual stuff. Rule #742: you cannot talk during breakfast or dinner time except if re-reminding someone that they took Suzanne’s cut bananas.

Mostly it felt phony. I understand the non-consumerist principles of Zen but find the entirety of this building to carry the pretensions of a hardcore foosball training center with mats instead of tables. If foosball were a sacred and lifelong pursuit, and the little wooden players were the deities, then you have Zen Buddhism. I suppose San Francisco would be such a city to have a place of willing deprivation one could work at, but the experience here is like living in a more posh equivalent of rural Tibet with the cultural milieu of San Francisco. The last night I sat at the table with the higher and older nobles who were in different colored, more ornate robes than everyone else to see if they would scoff or say something regarding someone of a lower spiritual order sitting at their table. Of course they did not but the silence was deafening and it made for a hilariously awkward end to my stay.

Useful: 3  Funny: 10  Cool: 4

12/9/2012

Golden Saddle Cyclery
$$ Bikes
1618 Lucile Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Updated review:

Wow, three phone calls and no one, neither the front sales nor the mechanic at Golden Saddle told me that they’d refuse to take anyone after 5pm today (Sunday). They close at 6pm. My handlebar tape is unfurling, I bought $20 tape prior at Golden Saddle and I get there at 5:15pm after calling an hour earlier desperately needing someone to help me, since I’ve epicly failed at doing this myself in the past.

I walk in. The front guy looked hesitant and told me that the mechanic does not take anyone after 5pm. This shocked me as I obviously would have come earlier had I been told this on the phone any of the three times I called. I called first to make sure the mechanic can do this today. He said he could. Second, to make sure I have the materials and whether I should strip the tape. No prob there. Third, price ($12).

The mechanic sees me and hesitates and looks frustrated. The first thing he does is argue that I came too late, how he told me to come A LOT earlier (I called at 4pm) and that he can’t help me out today. He kept emphasizing that he told me to come earlier. (“I TOLD you to come earlier.”) And he did say come as early as possible, but I didn’t realize coming an hour after my phone call would have been too late.

After realizing that having someone angry at me (again: “I TOLD you…”) would probably not result in a good handlebar taping, I said I’d go elsewhere and left. I am basically messing up my hands to get to work at Echo Park until I can find someone else who can help me.

Thank you so much on your insistence of enforcing rules I wasn’t aware existed, lack of willingness to help with a simple request and insisting it was my own fault. Fifteen minutes late makes a world of difference here.

Useful: 13  Funny: 13  Cool: 2

1/5/2014

Previous review:

My beloved Bicycle Kitchen was closed today for renovation and I had a flat tire. Being the only bicycle shop within vicinity, I had high hopes that they would have what I needed. They did! They sell $4 tube repair kits here and let me work on my bike for free, using their air pump and a thingamajig to remove the tires with (tire horn?). They even offered the bike stand on side alleyway outside.

The people who not only work here, but were getting repairs done, are legit bicyclists. Two guys were talking about meeting their sponsors riding in San Diego. Someone who works here mentioned that they go on early morning bike rides, which they were specifically talking about braving the 40 degreeish early-early morning winter LA weather. A lot of customers wearing bicycle spandex.

Really nice bicycle repair shop and good people. Definitely awesome and a lifesaver for letting me fix a flat here.

Useful: 3  Funny: 0  Cool: 1

1/7/2013

Network Solutions
Web Design
13861 Sunrise Valley Dr
Herndon, VA 20171

In Yelp terms: when a business calls me without me asking, minus one star.
Sends unsolicited emails me without me asking, minus one star.
Sends unsolicited dead tree mail, minus one star.

So: minus three stars. The fourth star will be removed once I receive a text message from them, or a homing pigeon.

Apparently Network Solutions has one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns ever known in the digital world. I wouldn’t blink an eye if someone told me that the same marketing company they use also runs quite a successful a collections agency. I made the supposed mistake of writing my own number and address after I purchased a domain name with them. The problem was unless I wanted to pay an extra $10 to have my domain registered under their PO Box number, having my address and name registered with a domain gives them agency to constantly bombard me with attempts to reach me, until I go through the processes not to.

Once you register a domain from this company, you will receive repeated calls from 855-881-9252 (they don’t leave voicemail) and you have to call them back to tell them to remove your number. They will not remove your number until you listen to them for two long minutes offering “free” business services with the domain and then indignantly telling you to how you could pass up on something free, no remove my number.

The next day, the emails come with the same offer. Considering network solutions is quite a high profile digital company, they make it as low tech as possible to unsubscribe to emails. When you click unsubscribe, they make you manually type in the email address even though it is really easy to make unsubscribing automatic with one click. Maybe since they’re located in rural Virginia, they hope the clientele will be as literate as the appalachian locals nearby. When I clicked after I typed the email, I received a thank you for unsubscribing.

How can a business thank someone for unsubscribing without sounding menacing about it? See photo:

The only enjoyable thing that this company provides is having my own name registered with a domain, which gives me agency to host it where I want to. Perhaps the best decision I have made was purchasing a five-year domain plan in order not to hear from these people again until 2017. But I don’t bet on it.

Useful: 6  Funny: 2  Cool: 0

12/14/2012

The Art Institute of California – Hollywood – CLOSED
Colleges & Universities, Art Schools, Cooking Schools
5250 Lankershim Blvd
North Hollywood, CA 91601

I sometimes teach here and it’s a bizarre place. I get lectured at by at least one security guard per tutoring session for helping do art.

As someone who teaches photography, video and web design here as a tutor, I feel bad for the students because there is no physical place here to make art. Of course you can schedule an appointment and do art at an Art Institute studio next Monday at 4 p.m. but if you’re feeling spontaneously creative, repress it or else! If you want to film or do a performance, you will have security coming out from inside the building telling you that there’s got to be explicit permission from head of the department to film outside in front of their campus or any of the adjacent buildings. So if you want to do a film project or do a performance, my suggestion to my students is to 1. be guerrilla, 2. do it fast or 3. do it elsewhere, or – or – or 3a. do it at the student apartment buildings as the administration regulating the security seem to be less concerned about the student buildings than they are in front of the commercial buildings. The parking garage is also off-limits.

Also the thing that I can’t get over about expensive for-profit art schools is that usually the people who come from families who make the least amount of money attend them. I recall a teacher telling my class once that the average family of an undergraduate that attends a UC school comes from a family with a WAY higher income than an average undergraduate that attends art school. I’m not trying to say that just teenagers from poor families are the ones who attend art school but it seems that paying A LOT of money and then saying “it’s what you make of it” is the impetus to receiving a good education here, per the positive reviews on Yelp, then I surmise that putting yourself in about $90,000 debt is well worth that kick in the butt to learn Photoshop.

Some people prefer fine dining.

Useful: 20  Funny: 9  Cool: 9

12/7/2014

San Francisco State University
Colleges & Universities
1600 Holloway Ave
San Francisco, CA 94132

I am terse when I tell people SF State is my alma mater. “What did you learn from here?” Um. I want to write this review in order to give a perspective for incoming high school seniors about how the departments are run here.

This is strictly about the departments.

SF State is underfunded in such a dire way, that all the departments I studied under have at least one course requirement in which you are paying tuition to do free manual labor for the school. These requirements by each department are called “praxis,” a “lab” or “volunteering for the community.” The idea is for people to gain practical experience WITHIN SF STATE, working within the department masked as an educational experience. The more time you put in, the higher your grade.

Bull. It’s work. It’s a faux internship. What you learn is how the faculty use you for the department’s personal gain and what the parameters are for safely achieving an A. I understand many new students fluctuate in and out of departments so fast that it’s easier to burden them with free labor when there is no money to adequately fund more faculty salaries. It’s also an absolute paradox that president Robert Corrigan makes a higher salary than governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with circumstances like these.

Consider going to SF State if you want to stay in San Francisco but REALLY REALLY KNOW what you want to do here because you will not graduate in four years if you don’t. Less than one out of every five incoming Freshmen graduate in four years. The only advisers are faculty during office hours. There are too many class requirements for each department while classes are so difficult to get into, and “praxis” or “lab” course requirements are inevitable. You’ll be spending your whole day editing [X]press, organizing the Holistic Health Library, setting up readings at The Poetry Center and helping artists install their art at the International Art Gallery before you get a chance to study for a midterm exam.

Ask yourself: is it worth the low tuition to attend a severely underfunded school?

Useful: 28  Funny: 3  Cool: 7

3/1/2008

MetroMD Institute of Regenerative Medicine
Cosmetic Surgeons, IV Hydration, Nutritionists
11650 Riverside Dr
Studio City, CA 91602

I am positive that hundreds of these five star reviews were written by robots or aliens from ‘goldilocks’ planets high on space gas or something. These reviews make sugar taste bitter. And to be fair, the one star reviews sound like they were written by crazy people who are one step away from jumping from a tall building because a wrinkle got slightly worse after treatment.

I got the non-invasive PRP (platlet-rich plasma) hair injection here that stimulates hair growth. They basically take two vials of my blood, spun it in a machine to separate the platlet-rich plasma from the blood, to avoid blasting my hairline with ‘harmful metals’ that make the blood red and then inject the golden platlet-rich plasma into your scalp to stimulate hair growth.

I came into this place at 8am and was greeted by an empty office with a confused nurse. And then a confused IT guy. Both seemed like it was their first day of work. Neither were able to log onto the computer because their regular girl was apparently on vacation or something. I waited for fifteen minutes then asked the guy what’s up. He was flustered, and said he couldn’t log on to get my information. So he looked through the draws and found a piece of paper for me to sign instead.

_____x_____ assumes the risks of getting blood injected into his head.

While waiting some gym guy heavy on steroids quickly walked through the waiting room and poked his head into the doctor’s door. He then was pacing back and forth, bouncing up and down the walls and the nurse took him before me because he was a regular or something. I sat there and waited for another ten minutes while she finished up with him. She then took me in about twenty minutes after my appointment, put numbing cream over my hairline and gave me a very tiny headband with velcro that couldn’t sustain the circumference of my head and snapped in half. So she gave me one of her elastic hair ties instead.

She then had me sit on a chair and took my blood. Her needle was either dull or the tube was damaged and couldn’t take the blood but she quickly assumed I had low blood pressure so she jabbed the needle deeper into my arm. Let me tell you – jabbing that needle deep into my arm was one of the most painful shots I’ve ever got! She looked at me and assumed that I had a very low tolerance to pain and couldn’t take needles or something. Seriously, the injections that came after that into the scalp were nothing compared to Nurse Ratched’s needle. After figuring out that the actual needle was bad, she was like whoops – let’s try the other arm! I think this one was learning on the job or something. So finally she got vials, spun them and brought back the separated blood, one was light golden and the other was PINK, so the blood didn’t get completely separated. She quickly went behind me so I wouldn’t see that bit but I did.

She used something extremely similar to a tattoo gun and then a bunch of needle pricks containing the PRP and then it was done. Thanks to that incredibly painful failure of drawing my blood, the injections along the hairline were painless in comparison. She then gave me an up-sell speech about all of these nutrients that I need and how they conveniently sell them. I was told that I cannot sweat for 48 hours: by going to the gym, or washing my hair after treatment. She then of course said that more than one PRP treatment is needed (maybe if you’re completely bald – and even then it’s disputed online). I was like yeah whatever, and left.

As for the results, I am seeing peppered dots along my hairline which is pretty cool but if I get any kind of cosmetic treatment, I am going elsewhere. It is a pretty shoddily run place with inexperienced staff.

Useful: 32 Funny: 16 Cool: 6

12/9/2016

Church of Scientology of Los Angeles
Religious Organizations
4810 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90189

Usually when I ignore, shake my head at or say no to sales people, homeless people or marketing people on the street asking me for something, they respond by saying one of four things:

1. thank you
2. god bless you
3. an insult or expletive
4. you’re welcome

I got not one but three “you’re welcome” responses by three different Scientology recruiters here. I was walking westward on Sunset and as I passed by the first Scientology recruiter, I thought oh shit he’s going to say something, so I looked straight forward and towards the right at the street to not make eye contact. He told me to stop and I kept passing by and then yelled “you’re welcome!” A few seconds later, I saw a second and third recruiter about twenty feet after him. I thought since they saw that I had ignored the first guy they wouldn’t say anything, nope. If I had a change of heart about a fake religion, it would probably not have come from the Scientologist who sarcastically yelled “you’re welcome”! And lo and behold, recruiter number two and three yells “you’re welcome” almost a second apart. I didn’t say anything and kept walking. It was such a bizarre experience that I swore never to walk in front of their gaudy blue hospital-turned-church on Sunset again, at least at around 6 to 8pm.

Man I hate knocking Scientology because it is way too easy but apparently this Scientology center is run like an elementary school and I get not one, but three pitches of sarcasm from brainwashed man-children as I passed each one of them by. Maybe they’re new Scientologists themselves and in the larval stages of development, so their brainwashed minds reflect being in the schoolyard at recess, sticking their tongues out at people who can’t see the ‘Truth’! But this is not just a gripe, as I wanted to write this review in order to see if other people have had this same experience I had while walking on Sunset and warn people about being harassed here. Perhaps if they were trying to save me, then they must have had very poor guidance from a cosmic deity buzzing in their ear about how to successfully suck in new recruits from Sunset.

• 1 star for having nice (non-recruiting) security guards on Fountain.

Useful: 23 Funny: 17  Cool: 6

6/14/2014