Yelp

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cuties – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cuties – 4/5 Stars

Cuties – CLOSED
$$ Coffee & Tea
710 N Heliotrope Dr
Los Angeles, CA 90029

I hope that, unlike the Cafecito, pre-Cafecito, and post-Cafecito coffee shops that were here before theirs, that they can exist for years and years.

Theirs is a utopian cafe that hosts regular queer polyamory meetings, an incredibly friendly staff, weird video art installations (sometimes) and the cafe is dripping with pastel colors. It looks like someone with a budget of a few hundred dollars had the art school spirit and puckered it up a tiny bit. What looks a bit like Scoops now feels a bit more radical and fun like something out of Oakland. And for that, I applaud it.

The cold brew was good, and their menu offerings were otherwise quite simple and straightforward. Their place offers an ample amount of seating and is as busy as a place that’s more utopian than profit-making. It means that there’s a relaxing atmosphere here and always someplace to sit.

BUT how can you charge $1 for almond milk? That’s such a violent pronoun. Be a really queer cafe, cow milk should be the $1.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 5

11/30/2017

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: La Boba y el Gato Rancio – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: La Boba y el Gato Rancio – 4/5 Stars

La Boba y el Gato Rancio
€ Lounges, Gay Bars
Carrer de Cuba, 59
46006 Valencia
Spain

Valencia is a slightly more extraordinary place now for having this cafe. I have never been anyplace anywhere around the world that has cultivated thoughtful and stimulating ‘camp’ from gay culture and brought it into a bar and really do it well.

It’s got a nice lounge setup that is more smart than pretentious. We sat between two homoerotic paintings: one of a muscle man in a mirror selfie that was done in a beautiful impressionistic brushstroke painting style. As someone from Los Angeles, I am so used to paintings being in a league of brightly colored pop art types so to see a very European painting style was a breath of aire fresco. So, in other words, it was pleasant to see a mirror selfie from an iPhone. The other painting was an uncut dick underneath a foot. Both were funny and conceptually thought-provoking.

Pros!

They have frappes, iced teas, gin tonics, tequila and a list of mix drink from €5 upwards and there was one made of fresh lemons, which was delicious. It had quite a hearty layer of “merengue” bubbles. It was not the orange juice and tonic of the local “Agua de Valencia” but it was still good.

Contras!

The restaurant does not have ‘savory pies’ like on a review I read or any food really for that matter. They give you the queer equivalent of bar nuts, which is a mixture of dried fruits and nuts. Smoothies have all been subsequently crossed out like on the pictures menu. So no more blending. And no more eating for that matter. It’s a shame, I believe because it has plenty of tables for eating.

Sorry for probably bringing all the English-speaking Americans into your bar with the first English Yelp review of your establishment, but you are definitely a charm and worth knowing.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 4

1/31/2018

 

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp

La Colubrina
€€ Pizza, Italian, Vegan
Via Felice Casati 5
20124 Milano
Italy

I was in Milan for less than a day and we decided to eat at La Colubrina as it was one of the very few Italian restaurants here that cater to vegans. I have to say that it is probably appropriate that one of the best vegan-friendly Italian restaurants I’ve ever been to is in Italy. This one is run by all women and it’s got a very relaxed and comfortable vibe. Dishes take 45 minutes to prepare so it kinda needs to be comfortable.

Although I learned Milan is more known for risotto than pasta, my spouse’s Milanese sister made us vegan risotto earlier in the day, so we were pretty risotto-ed out by the time we got here for dinner at 10pm. At 10pm it was still busy, but definitely dying down as it’s a family restaurant. Dinner is late but not too late! I decided to try very basic pasta and gnocchi dishes here. My fear about trying new dishes at vegan restaurants is my lack of realization about the portion sizes, usually lack thereof.

Almost every time I order a vegan thing I have never heard of, it is shaped in a tiny decorative torte form that takes less than three minutes to fully consume. So I have a type of psychic pain and avoidance now for ordering anything new, sadly. But nonetheless, I cannot begin to tell you how un-basic the pasta and gnocchi dishes are. The green gnocchi is fresh and comes in a white cashew-based gorgonzola cheese sauce. The zucchini-based pasta comes with I believe an avocado-based sauce and artichoke or some type of green that usually tastes not-so-good raw, but tastes incredibly good prepared. There was ‘cheese’ on top of this one, which I believe was nutritional yeast.

All in all, it was very un-Italian of us to split three first plates (the bowl on top of the second plate) and get no second plate or ‘antipasti’ so shame on us for not getting the other plates to balance out the meal. However, even with the lack of balance, I am incredibly happy to have come here for the very limited amount of time we had in Milan. The server was friendly, the food was incredible and the atmosphere was great. This is the first time in a long time that I ate out at an Italian restaurant. It’s great to eat Italian food that’s unlimited to pasta with some variant of tomato sauce or pesto and olive oil like every other Italian restaurant I’ve been to over the years.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 4

2/7/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Overused Yelp Cliches – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Overused Yelp Cliches – 5/5 Stars

Overused Yelp Cliches
San Francisco, CA 94101

“Aging hippies” (91 hits)

A.K.A. older activists who are unsettling to your 20-something classical liberal/individualist disposition. Ayn Rand, so hot right now. Yelp cliche, so hot right now. (270 hits)

“Too many hipsters” (117 hits)

Just because YOU wear muscle shirts, a short brown haircut and basketball shoes does not mean you’ve got to hate on people who are better looking than you.

“Server was rude” (105 hits)
“Waiter was rude” (170 hits)
“Waitress was rude” (169 hits)
“He was rude” (444 hits)
“She was rude” (610 hits)
“… was rude” (18,300 hits)

Oh go cry me a river with all that you say. If someone rolled their eyes at you or ignored you for a minute, you likely deserved it!

Source: google.com

Useful:Funny: 12  Cool: 9

4/11/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Indie 103.1 – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Indie 103.1 – 3/5 Stars

Indie 103.1 – CLOSED
Radio Stations
5700 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Less talk, more rock was so Indie 103.1.

Until the DJs began to talk.

Now I feel like I have invisible friends in my car leeching on me for rides; the type who won’t stop talking to each other. The point of the conversations is that there is no point to be made! It’s like staying at a party for way too long, listening to trite anecdotes and band names being dropped; and yet you just can’t leave! You give them the benefit of the doubt that their conversations will lead somewhere until you’re offered a more compelling distraction and go home.

I recently turned the radio off after the first thirty seconds of Jonesy’s Jukebox when Jonesy whined: “I don’t want to do this today. Ugh… (pause). I really don’t want to do this…. (long pause). I don’t… want… to… do… this…” You stupid cow. I would DO ANYTHING to have my own radio show and play the music I’d like to share. The dead air time is like a spit on the face of every listener and is a reflection of what kind of pricks this radio station airs. I wish prickness wasn’t synonymous with good music taste and this station makes me feel a little in despair.

Speaking of synonymous, their taste in good music is also on par with my music taste and I appreciate their good music. I wouldn’t mind being the ideology of a quiet DJ because I’m not a prick. (Hire me?) Politically speaking, if corporate radio can do anything it knows how to do well, it’s to make more regulations and gag its DJs and strictly play music the DJs select to play. Corporation, I hope this message is relayed back to you.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 6

3/10/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sango Sushi – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sango Sushi – 4/5 Stars

Sango Sushi
$$ Japanese, Sushi Bars
27261 La Paz Rd
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677

My sister’s best friend works at Sango and the two times I visited this place with my sister, the girl carried a conversation with my sister IN BABY TALK.

“Aww Wamma ewe look so pwetty.”

Am I segregated in a pseudo-rational world from the rest of society where all the people I don’t know casually coo to their best friends when I’m not around? The few other times I’ve overheard other people do it, I didn’t pass them by without shuddering flamboyantly. My mom said it’s normal.

Mom: Girls do those kind of things. She’s young.
Me: She’s 21.
Mom: She’s still young.
Me: You were married and pregnant with me at 21.
Mom: I was mature for my age.

Apparently. Besides a little seesawing in my stomach from acute gastric reflux, my stomach was able to adequately digest their good food here. The rolls are soft and fluffy and the vegetable soup has a slightly sweet broth. The ambience is casual; you order first then sit down and wait for the food. There is no bar here and this place turns busy on a moment’s whim.

To-go is always an option if you happen to overhear the coos of a 21-year-old architecture major. Aww sushi wooshi in a to-go baggy waggy.

Useful:Funny: 13  Cool: 4

3/6/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Saturn Cafe – 3/5 Stars (Owner Response)

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Saturn Cafe – 3/5 Stars (Owner Response)

Saturn Cafe – CLOSED
$$ Vegetarian, Breakfast & Brunch, Vegan
145 Laurel St
Santa Cruz, CA 95060

What do you really expect from a diner that is open until 3 a.m.? The cafe is the vegetarian equivalent to a burger, fries, and a shake at Denny’s. The food is decent but nothing to write home about. Besides, specialty chefs don’t work after hours. The veggie burger flippers are tattooed rebels just like the rest of us!

The best part of this diner is the lively after-hours. I followed 30 people here after a straight edge hardcore show at the Porter Soundbox. Needless to say, the tables were filled with lots of people in black hoodies.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 0

9/27/2007

Owner Response:

Hi Chris

Thanks for taking the time to write about us.
I am sorry to hear that you did not enjoy your food very much.
I wanted to take a minute and reply to your comment comparing the Saturn to Denny’s.

My business partner and I both work really hard at hiring staff members that many places won’t hire purely based on the way they look.

We also spend a lot of time creating a menu that is always fun and sometimes healthy and absolutely 100% Vegetarian. We do our best to pick up organic items whenever we can. I assure you Denny’s does not have an organic house salad. The ice cream we carry comes from a small farm in Santa Barbara that only makes small batches at time. All of our salad dressing is made in house it is never store bought. We even have a house made veggie patty that I think taste pretty good and is totally fresh.

Again I truly appreciate you spending your hard earned cash with us and then taking the time to write about it.

I just needed to say a little about the Denny’s piece.

Hope you have a good day,
Ernesto Quintero

9/28/2007

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Miyabi Sushi – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Miyabi Sushi – 4/5 Stars

Miyabi Sushi – CLOSED
$$ Japanese, Sushi Bars
253 Church St
San Francisco, CA 94114

There was a hostess at Miyabi who liked me. She would hook me up with free seaweed. I’m talking about expensive hijiki, the type of seaweed that lodges its dark green goodness in-between your teeth as you enjoy each succulent leaf. The type of seaweed that looks like a spawn of plant life from the Florida Everglades and The Black Lagoon. It’s delicious and I felt wooed.

Then the manager caught her and angrily stared at me like a disconcerted father over violating his precious daughter and bringing her home from Freshman homecoming a half-hour past midnight. I never came here again.

Take-out is a viable option when the food is served faster in a plastic bag than on a table. I can’t articulate why I chose to be a takeout swine here but probably because the atmosphere is very small and often busy. I believe the few times I did eat in, the wait seemed uncomfortably long. The miso soup, edamame, seaweed salad, steamed rice, and vegetable rolls are all decent options.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

3/7/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hollywood Studio Alterations by Alex – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hollywood Studio Alterations by Alex – 2/5 Stars

Hollywood Studio Alterations by Alex
Sewing & Alterations
6420 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

I really have had low expectations when it comes to tailoring. My motto is: as long as it fits, I am happy. I could care less about the straightness of the stitching, or uniformity of it or silly nuances that nobody else would notice except the person who is wearing it.

Until now! Well I surprised myself with actually having expectations because apparently I did. I took one shirt (new) and two old corduroy pants here. I guess with all these raving reviews, I was surprised when I got back a slightly asymmetrical tapered shirt and two shorts with strangely uneven and high, almost an inch from the bottom, stitching patterns. They reminded me of how my friend Kiernan sewed me a pair of shorts cut up from jeans on his tiny Singer sewing machine from what he learned for a high school sewing course. The shirt was tighter on the left side than the right. I had to confirm this with my partner because I thought I was going crazy.

This tailor shop seemed highly recommended by Yelp and is about a mile away from me, which is why I came. The owner or the guy working here was really gruff and not ‘friendly’ as indicated in numerous reviews and he assumed I was from Yelp. Perhaps it was because I have a full sleeve of tattoos, long hair, and didn’t have a thousand-dollar suit with me that I am some goober from Yelp. In any event, he certainly didn’t treat me any nicer. Back to the two ratty corduroy pants I had: one pair was so badly faded and worn, that I wanted to turn them to shorts. The other pair I had picked up for $4 at a Salvation Army in the Inland Empire, originally from Old Navy. They were so fancy, the velcro on the back pockets still worked, sort of. I also wanted to turn these to shorts.

He tried to sell me on $50 for tailoring two pairs of pants into shorts. This is over double what I’ve paid for not only the pants but for other things I’ve gotten tailored in at least other two tailor shops. I declined, since I could go elsewhere for half the cost. He negotiated down to $40. Fine.

This guy’s accent made it hard to understand him. He sounded like the “YOU BUY, YOU BUY!” Roma street merchant on the Simpsons who tried to sell Lisa a dead octopus when she got lost in the Russian part of town.

After he negotiated down the ridiculously high price to a high price, he then wanted me to schedule a time.

Him: (In heavy accent, him missing some connecting verbs and prepositions) What day you want pick up?

Me: Anytime, it’s up to you.

Him: NO, what day you want pick up?

Me: Okay then, how about today or tomorrow?

Him: NO, you pick up Sunday. 3 p.m. Cash only.

What the fuck? If you are so picky about days, then pick a day yourself dude like I originally suggested. And cash only? There was a credit card machine not even a foot away from me next to the door.

I would NOT recommend this place unless I was a lame news anchor or suit and tie professional making a six or seven (or eight or nine) figure salary in the immediate area. I guess I could then brag to my colleagues at a chichi cafe about my adventurous trip to an off the beaten path tailoring shack on a crummy parking lot off Hollywood and Cahuenga.

Extra star because they still look decent. Bottom line, not worth it!

Useful:Funny:Cool: 0

11/10/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Punchbowl – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Punchbowl – 4/5 Stars

The Punchbowl Los Angeles
$$ Live/Raw Food, Vegan, Juice Bars & Smoothies
4645 Melbourne Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

I came to The Punchbowl the day before and concluded that the guys who work here are more chirpy than the girls, which was unusual to witness. The guy was overly friendly, cooing at me to come back, but not too late.

It was Sunday. I came back the next day. The lady workers are more subdued in their chirpiness. A woman who was wearing a really, really high bandana, which looked like the Chiquita Banana girl who would take a banana off from her hat, made me an 8 dollar plus tax Banana Date Smoothie. It took this girl quite a while to prepare and make the smoothie, and I really would believe she would have all the ingredients stuffed in her bandana, but I am certain that there are some seriously scientific alchemic combinations happening behind the counter wall.

Now I hate the feeling when I eat out and think to myself, “I can make this” because I am a horrendous and unsophisticated cook. But seriously the taste of the Banana Date Smoothie was good but very simple: cold non-milk, frozen banana, dates, swirl in a blender: ta-da! These nutritious yet simple ingredients taste like my less nutritious smoothie creations at home, but for $8.70-ish it was nice not to have to clean my own blender.

Pricey, but the owner from Colorado needs to replace the black plastic bag serving as a window on the back of his car sooner than later.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

3/12/2013

 

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: British Consulate General – 1/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: British Consulate General – 1/5 Stars

British Consulate General
Public Services & Government
2029 Century Park E Ste 1350
Los Angeles, CA 90067

I sometimes associate objects with colors.

But with the British Consulate General, I hear a sound: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I have been to The British Consulate General to apply/receive a Student Visa stamp on my American passport in 2010. I opted to pay $100 to WORLDBRIDGE SERVICES to schedule an appointment and see someone in person regarding my passport, rather than blindly mail my passport to a place that offers no direct method of interaction, telephone line or email.

Between the application and my actual visit to the British Consulate General was a nightmare. An absolute dive into Dante’s rings of hell! I was eating bitter, chunky eyeball pudding and suffering after a horrifying fall. I was paralyzed and rotting in a roach-infested grate. The worst experience I have ever, ever, ever had! It was so truly bad, it was surreal. Like paying top dollar for rotten food at a restaurant and then the chandelier, tables and chairs collapse and the management blames you for it all.

So, onward to this amazing WORLDBRIDGE SERVICES order form: I went on their website, put my credit card info on their website and clicked on an available appointment time with the British Consulate General. After confirming, the website had failed to load but yet it was somehow able to successfully charge me $100 for an appointment. There was an error message yet a confirmation of payment was sent via email (with a confirmation number) and I thought I was set up with an appointment. I came to Brentwood, and they had no record of me. The security guard in front was irritated that I came and thought I was trying to get upstairs without preparation. Ultimately he went upstairs, and told me they said I had to pay another $100 to schedule another appointment through WORLD BRIDGE SERVICES. Since there is no direct line to ask for a refund, you have to pay to request a refund.

Basically, it was like an amazing sketch comedy if it wasn’t happening to me. The guy on the phone said he couldn’t talk to me, and kept arguing with me about paying the $3/minute rate for a refund. And funny thing is: ONCE YOU PAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE, THEY TELL YOU THEY CANNOT REFUND YOU!! After paying $9, they told me to send a refund request via the contact form and they would get back to me.

When you send the contact form, there is a vague acknowledgement of the receipt for the request. ‘Your request has been received.’ Period. No contact information given nor any information about follow-up. In fact, it took about two weeks for them to get around to giving a refund. I was truly surprised.

After paying a second $100 and getting an official appointment, I went upstairs. There’s a security checkpoint. I walk in, there’s a tiny doctor’s office waiting room with the other people who paid $100 and next to us, I see a ton of envelopes, like hundreds mailed passports lying on a huge messy pile on a folding table. No matter what the circumstances are, I would deal with paying for their craptastic private company to get their stupid visa stamp again. What’s the recourse if someone’s visa is stolen or lost in this huge disorganized pile?

The security guard inside the actual waiting room, a grim old white dude and not British, was condescending, negative, obnoxious, and kept talking and talking. He complained that everyone in the room was texting on their cellphones and then mentioned his grandkids using cellphones all the time and not being in the real world and not chatting with dear granddad. Maybe they’d rather be on their cellphones than deal with your negative attitude, bub.

It took about two hours to get my student visa. I answered the questions they asked when I was at the window and gave them the documents/degrees/photos and waiting for the visa. Receiving the actual stamp that takes up two entire pages of my passport that I can never get back was very insignificant for the work I put into getting there.

Seriously, a private company and a $100 charge to deal with your shenanigans? In these three years that have passed and after living in Britain, I’m most grateful to learn through my time in Britain as an overseas student that actual companies in Britain do not operate like WORLDBRIDGE SERVICES.

Was it worth it? Perhaps. But be damned and less $100 if your order form on the website failed like mine.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 0

6/11/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Barista Society (and the History of Bunker Hill) – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Barista Society (and the History of Bunker Hill) – 4/5 Stars

Barista Society – CLOSED
$ Coffee & Tea, Bakeries, Breakfast & Brunch
300 S Grand Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90071

Barista Society is located on a weird plane where it is parallel to Grand Ave but underneath it. It is located in the botched plastic surgery area of Los Angeles known as Bunker Hill. The way to describe getting to Barista Society is to describe the top of Bunker Hill. Bunker Hill constitutes large insular office cubes that were put in place of the many Victorian buildings that were razed and destroyed over half a century ago for more modern buildings.

Sixty, seventy years ago, Grand Ave on Bunker Hill looked like Van Ness Street in San Francisco. There are beautiful POV videos of Bunker Hill on YouTube taken in the 1940s. And now the razed and flattened plots of land brought these walkways and ‘plazas’ to get into each of these large lifeless buildings. So you sort of have to drift into this shopping center, like the 7th Street Metro Center subway station, but without really knowing where you’re going. And then you find yourself walking parallel to storefronts that face away from the subterranean level of Grand Avenue. And that is this shopping center and this Barista Society is shining right in the middle of it. It’s really the only un-sad thing in this area.

So in other words – coffee doesn’t sound too bad when you’re overly confronted with this ugly modicum of a lobby for the towering building with its shallow ceiling and mall foodcourt style seating. The cold brew here, like at all the other Barista Societies, is excellent by the way.

I came here at some point last year for a Yelp Elite event for some Ivy League venture capitalist’s marijuana dispensary speech. And the free food/drinks kept the large majority of us listening to the future of the marijuana commodity fetish in California. It’s probably the largest number of people they’ve seen at one time. I would otherwise never go out of my way to come here. But when I find myself here due to some hot iron probing me to be here (like lawyers, court, etc), it’s the best coffee option close enough to the top of the hill. And whatever other required and slightly dreadful white-collar tasks that people visit this area for, there’s at least good coffee close by! There IS the MOCA next door if you exit this lobby and then exit this plaza that may leave you wanting to have this place on your radar.

Barista Society, it’s kind of on top of Bunker Hill but on a shallow grave level.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 4

3/21/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Starbucks (and Passive-Aggressive Architecture) – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Starbucks (and Passive-Aggressive Architecture) – 2/5 Stars

Starbucks
$$ Coffee & Tea
2138 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

These Starbucks with the new ‘Starbucks Reserve’ bars are supposed to bring an experiential quality of a high-end brewery. I came here believing that they’re meant to attract people who want coffee that’s actually good – like say Demitasse or Stumptown or Ritual. Based on my ‘Starbucks Reserve’ cold brew in this zombie craftsman house with the midcentury decor of a store, they fail.

It tastes no different than their regular cold brew but delivered in a plastic sippy cup with the Reserve®®®®® logo. The price difference – I believe – is reflected in that you can take your sippy cup home with you and make the toddlers in your hood green with envy.

I came here with hopes that it would taste as good as a cold brew like say Maru down the hill or H Cafe further down the hill. But no. No! It offers the same bitter powdered coffee bean aftertaste that its regular cold brew offers. I gave them back the plastic adult sippy cup preferring that it would take up the space in their recycling bin (I hope they recycle or reuse) instead of mine.

There’s creepy 1940s music playing nonstop at this location. To go with the music, there are furniture pieces and architecture of the era. The furniture, except for the couches, is very uncomfortable. I’ve recently come to become acquainted with the term ‘hostile architecture’, which includes those armrests at LAX that don’t let you lay down or benches at parks or subways that are too small or sloped that don’t let you do anything but lean. Here, there’s ‘passive-aggressive architecture’. There ARE tables and there ARE chairs. But they are disproportionate in size and actually don’t work together for laptops or drinks really. There are no outlets. And the chairs are pretty uncomfortable.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

4/3/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cinnaholic 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cinnaholic 4/5 Stars

Cinnaholic
$ Bakeries, Vegan, Desserts
2134 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Ugh sugar-holic. I am so glad that the toppings and drizzles here cost 50 and 25 cents. I thought the marshmallow drizzle and cookie batter toppings were free the first time. So now I feel happier not having to feel obliged to load this thing with sweet stuff that doesn’t really need it. Their already juicy vegan cinnamon rolls are incredible on their own.

So when I tried this place the first time, I had to combat a mad sugar craving for one of their cinnamon rolls again for like three days. They’re really, really addicting! Like, the amount of sugar in the totality of one of these creations really speaks to the inner fat child. I used to know a girl named Eileen Salyer in high school who would carry around with her packets of sugar that she would rip open and eat like pixie sticks. I don’t know if she still eats packets of sugar but eating this thing reminded me of her pulling these sugar packets out of her purse at Del Taco. She wouldn’t need those sugar packets here!

The toppings included a marshmallow drizzle and cookie batter. Honestly, the cookie batter did nothing to the cinnamon buns. It tasted like something that would be better suited on its own. And seeing that they sell this stuff separately, I can see why. Being married to a vegan chef, I came to appreciate how easy cookie batter can be made and I need to take that to account when I order things that I – as a not-so-great vegan cook – can hypothetically make. Honestly, all someone needs is literally flour, sugar, earth balance and vegan dark chocolate pieces, mix together for three minutes. So I won’t probably get the cookie batter in the future. The marshmallow drizzle made the cinnamon rolls juicier but it was an indulgence that I wouldn’t do again, now that I am in the know…

So to be fair, I really liked this place and came back a second time. And lo and behold, at 8 pm they were selling plain ‘day old’ Cinnaholic cinnamon buns wrapped in plastic for $2.50. They’re normally around $5. They tasted incredible without all of the extra stuff. My friends at the Echoplex, the popular music venue near, many of them starving musicians, liked this place but complained at how expensive the price is. So these day-olds seem to be perfect choice for the locale and don’t taste any different than the not-day-olds like the first time I partook.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 5

5/30/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Urth Caffé Melrose – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Urth Caffé Melrose – 3/5 Stars

Urth Caffé- Melrose
$$ Coffee & Tea, Breakfast & Brunch, Bakeries
8565 Melrose Ave
West Hollywood, CA 90069

I told the person in front that I’d like a tofu scramble to-go. When I opened my bag, I found that I got tofu WITH a scramble to-go.

Wha? I told the person that handed me the bag that they messed up and he insisted that they didn’t. He kept insinuating that I got hooked up with a huge scramble as if I got two for one. The tofus were sliced into six rectangles. On the to-go menu, it says substitute tofu for $1.50 and I told the guy in front that I’d like a scramble with tofu instead, which he charged that $1.50 for, so I am not asking for something that is supposedly nonexistent.

Well anyway, management was more than helpful when I got the reins tightened after talking to Urth Caffe customer service, first to a woman who (surprisingly or unsurprisingly) spoke little English for someone in that role who basically did not understand anything I was saying except when I asked for a supervisor. Then I talked to the supervisor who finally understood that the to-go menu I guess has a misprint and says it can substitute tofu for eggs when it can’t. He called management there and they gave me a few tiny gift certificates.

A couple of weeks later, I am checking their to-go menu and THE SAME MISPRINT is on there:

Sub tofu $1.50 under the breakfast scrambles.

All I can say is that I will keep enduring the insufferable crowds here and am sticking with their matcha boba with almond milk because it is delicioso. I sometimes stick to the kid’s PB&J (it’s really good and filling), or to a less of an extent their veggie sandwiches, which are more pricey than filling, or the plum rolls, which came with veggies, cold firm brown rice, and didn’t come with plum. I am probably just sticking to the matcha boba with almond milk. While I really don’t have much of a dislike for the food of this place, their busy location makes it easy to dislike. Although the ambiance is quite an interesting anthropological people-watch and consists of the West Hollywood conventional and quite the mix of rich preppy Middle Easterners, the men who look like they’re from old money Bostonians without having ever lived there and the women, on the flip side, sporting couture modesty veils, apparently on blind dates together.

This is what Urth Caffé calls a “Tofu Scramble”.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

11/7/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Larchmont Village Wine – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Larchmont Village Wine – 4/5 Stars

Larchmont Village Wine Spirits & Cheese
$ Beer, Wine & Spirits, Sandwiches, Cheese Shops
223 N Larchmont Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90004

Perhaps the most amusing thing about this place is the fussy rich people from every demographic waiting in line to order sandwiches. A muscular teenage boy in front of me wanted arugula instead of lettuce on his half vegetarian, half turkey sandwich, turkey placed on the other half of the sandwich. An older woman, kind of shriveled looking with the large jewelry she was wearing from behind me, made the worker redo the entire sandwich because the worker apparently put too much vinegar on hers. The sandwiches are good, hardly the ‘best in LA’ but they are good, the Italian bread is fresh enough and the half-sandwich is reasonably filling. A half sandwich is $4.50 and is surprisingly quite large, about the size of an average burrito.

I definitely come here partly for the ridiculously amusing line-waiting and for the low price, on top of a solidly good sandwich, because even a short line takes a long time with the fussy rich people making modifications on every ingredient placed in their sandwich.

I have no comment on the wine and cheese!

Useful:Funny:Cool: 1

8/1/2012

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
My Best Yelp Reviews: The School of Life – 4/5 Stars

My Best Yelp Reviews: The School of Life – 4/5 Stars

The School of Life
£££ Adult Education, Bookstores, Life Coach
70 Marchmont Street
London WC1N 1AB
United Kingdom

I have watched every video ever that The School of Life has put out on their YouTube station. I love to hate on Alain De Botton’s pragmatist, pro-capitalist and anti-polyamory videos (open marriage guy here!) on the comments section but more than that – I love to love on the interpersonal videos that he puts on. He is the queen of peeling off layers of communication issues with relationships, and it really has helped me understand my own relationships. So The School of Life deserves the million YouTube subscribers that it has achieved in the year 2016.

And less important than The School of Life’s videos is this puny little gift shop that De Botton funds, which consists of simplified bags, books, and cute items with quotes. It is very underwhelming to come here after watching the videos. However, if you’re looking for a better holiday gift than the scented candle, you can get your work acquaintance a tote bag with an inspirational quote on it. The focus of this place seems to be offering live classes and workshops that are hosted mostly around London. I believe classes are upwards of 60 or 70 quid and many of them are unavailable to non-members. Membership is £££ so if you really want to attend members-only classes, you probably will make one of De Botton’s many illustrators happy. The only class I was interested in was a members-only course on intimacy that was conducted in an upscale restaurant. Whoever I spoke to was not only disinclined at my attendance but was uninterested in me becoming a member because the course I wanted to attend was happening too soon.

When I was in London earlier this year, I got to visit the actual store. The guy at the desk didn’t say anything or look at me when I came inside. I believe he was a hologram because he didn’t move though he was looking up. Although he wasn’t see-through, I don’t think he perceived that door opening or shutting and my coming inside. There were chairs and I could have uncomfortably sat there and tested seeing if he would have minded my sitting there but the chairs were placed in a way that they not really for sitting on. The books on the tables were more for display than reading them. I was in and out in a few minutes. I felt more comfortable sitting on a footstool at Skoob Books nearby than testing out to see if this guy really was made out of lasers.

The School of Life storefront on Marchmont Street, London, June 2016

Useful:Funny:Cool: 1

12/31/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: H Cafe – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: H Cafe – 5/5 Stars

H Cafe (CLOSED)
$$ Cocktail Bars, American (New)
1750 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

HHHHHHHH!
(A)HHHHHH!
(A)
HHH
HH
H!

(A)HHHHHH(A)!

Where have you been? Why haven’t you manifested yourself to exist on Hillhurst years before? Who used to live in this craftsman’s house and please tell me did they grow old and die here? Why are your brand new walls and floors so exquisite? What was under them?

I like that h stands for House; there wasn’t a grotesque attempt to modernize the h, rather preserve it. Unlike The Alcove, in which the front was decapitated to make way for the Disneyland line-like effect of ordering and sitting or picking up. This reminds me of a Writers’ house, someone who would boast hosting avant-garde circles back in the 20s or 30s but made most of his or her earnings working in a ‘sweatshop factory for puns’ (thanks Lena Dunham). How are you? How’s the great American novel coming along? Oh wait, you’ve been dead for 35 years.

H reminds me of a more laid-back version of The Alcove up the street, although it disconcertingly is showing that it probably won’t be so laid back soon. The quiet pockets can still be caught, if in the whisk of a moment.

An excellent, really tasty, cold brew.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 6

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Blue Rose – 2/5 Stars (Formerly 3/5 Stars)

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Blue Rose – 2/5 Stars (Formerly 3/5 Stars)

The Blue Rose – CLOSED
Desserts, Vegan, Coffee & Tea
1253 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Things have not gotten better here and I find this place to be off-putting. I found out through eavesdropping that the owners have a vegan consultant on board. This guy told a woman who made a web series that featured this place that unlike Doomies this place isn’t doing great.

Big news there. And I can tell you exactly why this place isn’t doing great without the need for a paid consultant! For one, they have menu items that aren’t consistently available. If they don’t have a cold brew, like today for example, take it off the chalkboard! The vegan valley girl working at the counter was like yeah no we’re like brewing that right now and we won’t have it until tomorrow, while there was a half-finished cold brew next to her that was apparently hers. Great thanks for reminding that I don’t have a time machine.

Also, every interaction I’ve had with the baristas here has been mildly annoying. I feel awful for sounding rude but I feel like I’m dealing with not the sharpest tools in the shed here. Maybe it’s in part that their staff is working in a cafe that is usually out of things or trying to pass off a lot of their stuff that is stale, so they seem foolish when they are out of stuff or when it has to be remade when they get caught. I honestly hope that’s what I am sensing. That brings me to my last point: they serve stale stuff.

For example, a few months before this last time I was here, I asked for coffee. It was 4pm and the coffee that was sitting out all day due to the lack of customers was cold. Instead of making a new brew, the barista took the cold coffee, put it in a cup and steamed it. I have been in pretty sketchy coffee shops and never have I seen anyone ever do that before. I saw her do this and it tasted like hot stale coffee. I confronted her about it. She was quick to say sorry and made me an americano.

I’ve been vegan for 15 years and would rather go to a non-vegan coffee shop than support a vegan coffee shop that is committed to vegan things that 1. is inconsistent, 2. serves stale food/drink and 3. is poorly managed and run. It’s embarrassing as a vegan that this place represents the only vegan coffee shop/bakery of its kind in the area. They also play crappy Top 40 music. It’s as dead as when I first visited here a year ago and it should have no reason to be. But since it is, and they are tarnishing the reputation of their amazing sibling Doomies, please close down or hand the baton over to someone who has the time and willpower to turn this place around.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 5

4/20/2015

 

Previous review

I’M NOT REALLY SURE what to make of The Blue Rose.

First time I went in here, I had a vegan chorizo/nopales croissant. Although it was under a glass, it tasted slightly stale and the most disappointing part was that it was not actually filled with soy-rizo. It was a soy-rizo jelly-like essence. This undynamic paste made me against getting another option, the vegan turkey thyme croissant, in the future as I want to taste the flesh, not jelly. So I decided to bypass getting another croissant from here.

The second time I came in here, I had a Greek salad, which was already made, and with an Italian dressing. (There were wars between these two countries, this is an unlikely pairing for a salad.) When I asked for a cup of water, things got really strange. The girl looked at me as if she has never heard anyone ask for water before, looked around the area for a cup, and then went to the broom closet next to the bathroom. In the tiny closet was a stack of 32oz Coca Cola cups and pulled out a 32oz Coca Cola cup.

And I kid you not, she filled the entire 32 ounce Coca Cola cup with water. This turned out not to be so disconcerting because I was actually really dehydrated from bike riding in 90 degree weather and drank almost the whole thing. I stopped when I looked inside the cup and the bottom was peppered with black specks of dust particles. I am not sure if this was from the cup sitting in the broom closet or if the ice or water was dirty.

The feta cheese in the salad was light and subtle; and the salad is fresh and well proportioned. There are a lot of other delicious-looking vegan options here so I hope the tiny holes of this place get patched. I also hope more people come here because this place is perpetually empty. It makes me question the freshness of the selection of food, like the disappointing croissants, that don’t sell. Honestly, soy-rizo essences, jellies and flavorings might indeed be vegan, but you don’t win friends with meat jelly.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 1

5/2/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Doomie’s NextMex

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Doomie’s NextMex

Doomie’s NextMex
Mexican
1253 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

I’ve developed a love-hate for the unorthodox way that Doomies (via NextMex) prepares and serves their food. They fry the vegan meat in the same fryer that they fry their famous fried oreos in! So if something says ‘gluten free’ you’ll likely find oreo bits on a microscopic level giving you the celiac! However, double-dipping vegan meat in a fryer with everything else is otherwise really not that harmful, just strange to think about!

It’s an incredible idea to bring inexpensive vegan street cart-style tacos to a restaurant storefront. Almost all vegan restaurants in LA nowadays barely offer appetizers for $10. It reminds me of a cool vegan taco cart near Zona Rosa in Mexico City called Por Siempre that serves incredible vegan street tacos for $1 each. NextMex sells $3 tacos with options including chicken, chorizo, al pastor, carnitas, and carne asada, so if you’re indecisive about the meat of choice, do tacos first! The vegan carnitas are pretty crispy and good! The al pastor is a juicy option too!

The TWO issues I’ve had is that it took fifteen minutes to get my two little tacos. And then to top it off, the carnitas and al pastor were not so warm upon arrival. It was a big let down! The carnitas have a lot of potential because they taste like they would be incredible had I eaten them without the five minutes of me waiting after they were cooked. They could have been so succulent and delicious. When vegan meat cools, it TASTES like vegan meat. It was a bit hardened and bordered on chewy. The red and green salsas were both kind of bland and not great. I’ve had better salsa at Baja Fresh, ugh. But for the price and what was served, I was still pretty delighted.

I also like that they get a lot of clientele who don’t realize it’s entirely vegan but who aren’t afraid to order once they find out! It’s not so apparent that it’s vegan. It’s an incredible addition and another restaurant, like Doomies, that is challenging the vegan restaurant stereotype.

Due to Oreos in the deep fryer, we cannot guarantee gluten-free meat is gluten-free. Also, no more soyrizo. Qué tengas un buen día! -El Doomie

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 5

3/5/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Scoops – 4/5 Stars (Removed from Yelp)

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Scoops – 4/5 Stars (Removed from Yelp)

Hello,

We’re reaching out to let you know that our moderators removed your review of Scoops.

We typically remove reviews that address culturally sensitive subjects in ways that reinforce negative stereotypes or make light of physical or sexual violence.

In this case, we felt that your review of Scoops crossed that line, even if you didn’t intend it to. The text of your review is copied for reference below, and we hope you’ll continue to share your experiences on Yelp while keeping the Content Guidelines in mind. To learn more, check out our Content Guidelines (https://www.yelp.com/guidelines).

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##

Scoops – CLOSED
$ Ice Cream & Frozen Yogurt
712 N Heliotrope Dr
Los Angeles, CA 90029

Oh man, it’s rare when I can say six years later that I still enjoy a place as equally as I did back in the 2000s.

Their vegan oreo ice cream is my favorite. It has a rich and chunky texture of Oreos mixed into the ice cream. Their ice cream is usually sufficiently hard and if it is too soft, it too easily will spilleth from my cone. Some guy handed me soft ice cream one day last month, and I was paying, which balancing soft ice cream from a cone with getting change resulted in a scoop of ice cream falling on the counter. I was totally about to re-scoop the fallen ice cream from the counter with the sugar cone, as I have licked grosser things in the past but he totally gave me another cone of ice cream, woot. Just to mention too that anything of theirs that is infused with maple syrup is my least favorite, as I find maple-flavored ice cream kind of gross and overly sweet.

The Asian woman who works here during the day usually gives me a really profound death stare.* One of the last times I saw her, some couple who were her friends came in and she hooked them up with free ice cream. Since hooking friends up with free ice cream means not having to walk over to the register, her smiles suddenly turned to a death stare when they merrily walked off and she saw me behind them. For some reason, either I didn’t chew the fat at some point enough or wasn’t chirpy or jocular but that cunt hates my guts. I’d rather go around the plexiglass and scoop the ice cream myself and ring myself up on their ancient cash register. I wish that artsy owner guy who graduated from Cal Arts was around during the day, he seems funny and weird but he has the death stare standing in his place.

Removed 7/29/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Harvard and Stone – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Harvard and Stone – 4/5 Stars

Harvard & Stone
$$ Bars
5221 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027

For three years I’ve lived as close to Harvard & Stone as some people do to their mailboxes, but for three years I never get to visit because I am usually wearing shorts.

Harvard & Stone Dress Code:

No Shorts
No Athletic Logo T-Shirt
No Flip Flops
No Baseball Cap

I wear shorts almost everyday, not because I’m bro-ish, but because it’s Los Angeles. I always imagine that some business would capitalize on this, open nearby and become a late night men’s boutique clothing store since the dress code is heavily weighted against the ubiquitous bro. I’ve seen a lot of people, not bros, but middle-aged men and Mexicans with baseball caps, turned away. The men’s boutique clothing store can offer special discounts for those turned down from Harvard & Stone due to their clothing faux pas and dress them appropriately for the bar. Since the gentrification virus has affected almost all of Hollywood Blvd., there are maybe four or five abandoned storefronts due to the horrendous company that owns their building and the neighboring building substantially increasing rent prices and wiping Little Armenia off the face of Hollywood Blvd. One of these expensive vacant holes can be a boutique shop that not only offers fancy clothes but also discounts for matching pants and fedora combinations. Maybe a free mustache with purchase too.

Now you, yes you, can look as dandy as the Harvard & Stone hipster for $59.99 + tax!

When I decide I want to come inside, I walk 50 feet to my apartment and cover my bare legs. Then I come back here and it’s usually fun to see free bands and burlesque dancers. During the week is more fun because it’s less chaotic and more of a lounge experience that emphasizes the handsomeness of this bar. The bands are usually local and draw a small enough crowd for it not to be ridiculously crowded (usually). The people are less pretentious than one may think if only a notch. The hipsters are not the dangerous crowd at Harvard & Stone. It’s actually the drunk west-siders who come here and try to stand out as they think the hipsters of the east do. It’s revolting to bike back from Echo Park at 2 am and find a passed-out blonde with her hair halfway lodged in the door to my apartment building. And oblivious west siders beside her loudly chatting and entering any westbound Uber ride that they see, assuming that that ride is theirs. “Hey does this person belong to any of you?” Since Harvard & Stone is located on the west-bound side of Hollywood Blvd., the front is often crammed with taxis heading in that direction. So she’ll probably be heading closer to where she lives.

Their drink specials are special, like the ones this week: try the Wizard Piss (bourbon, lemon juice, apricot), Whore Island (rum, coconut, pineapple, lime) or F*ck You, And Good Luck (mostly tequila) are all for the price that their drinks are offered for $10. Their drinks are as boutique as the dress code entails and appropriately good for their price, as is the consensus for some of my friends. For me though, I’m all about the Thai food a la Pranom Popup being served on the back patio (sometimes there is a pad thai vendor outside) on Monday nights. For the same price but more food and delectable options, at least five Thai restaurants within a two-block vicinity stay open until 2 am and at least two of those stay open until 3:30 am (Hollywood Thai, Ruen Pair, and sometimes Sanamluang).

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

5/22/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Museum of Jurassic Technology – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Museum of Jurassic Technology – 4/5 Stars

The Museum of Jurassic Technology
Museums
9341 Venice Blvd
Culver City, CA 90232

The Museum of Jurassic Technology is like a 1980s museum experience in a Victorian morgue setting. It offers random oddities in a way that would predate the more showy and vulgar Ripley’s Believe It or Not type museums, according to their video manifesto. They want to focus more on the artifact that carries with it historical and social/cultural importance rather than on it being an oddity. They succeed in tiny parts. But as a whole, it was jumpy and had functional issues due to jurassic 1980s technology. Some examples:

  1. A few of their corded and fat beige telephones that you hear stories out of after pressing a button were broken.
  2. To my chagrin as a lover of really old photos, more than 2/3 of the daguerreotype photos that were supposed to light up did not light at all.
  3. The lighting was so inconsistent in general; it was as dim as a candle in some parts and brighter with other displays – in the same room.
  4. A few of the videos were out of order with signs posted.

They really should be playing that video manifesto on loop on a projector in the gift shop, rather than at a nondescript tiny television. It really explains what they were going for. They have some cool things on display in general. To sum it up: microscopic sculptures. I can kind of see how they were trying to go against the flow of museums today with a ‘museum based on a museum’ that would pre-date humanist and scientific thought and favor 1600s ‘magical’ thinking. They just don’t do that well at explaining it. It’s reasonably confusing and an idiosyncratic experience for people who are open-minded. My parents, for example, would hate this place.

3D Animation of Waves at the Museum of Jurassic Technology

 

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

10/8/2017

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Gold’s Gym Glendale – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Gold’s Gym Glendale – 3/5 Stars

Gold’s Gym
Gyms, Trainers
3211-A Galleria Way
Glendale, CA 91210

I’m a fan of the dead mall phenomenon. And places, like Gold’s Gym, that wouldn’t normally be in malls are now moving in and repurposing them. Dead malls are malls that were once thriving in the 80s and 90s and are now empty with abandoned storefronts. I regularly watch this guy, Dan Bell, on YouTube who documents many of the American dead malls on his channel and they’re tragically great to fall asleep to.

One thing I’ve noticed about these dead malls is that Gold’s Gym in particular is converting many of these dead mall vacant storefronts into large gyms. I’m not sure if Glendale Galleria has ever been ‘dead’, but it’s certainly been dead to me! I’ve lived in LA since 2011 and have never had even known there was an ‘inside’ portion of the Glendale Galleria until this week. It’s very old-fashioned looking. It’s very tan on the inside and car-centric. Meaning, you have to go through a parking lot to get in. There’s ONE clogged elevator from the street level door that leads to the parking lot. And absolutely no bicycle parking on street level. I parked my bicycle against a signpost underneath an overpass bridge. But at least it’s next to the elevator.

This Gold’s Gym is as busy and large as Gold’s Gym Downtown LA. To me, it’s really no different in structure and it’s as crowded as Gold’s Gym Downtown LA. I’m actually surprised at all the negative reviews. The machines are new and everything was up and running when I visited this week. There seemed to be ‘enough’ available machines to use when I visited at 5 pm on a weekday. The major problem with this gym is its layout. They wanted to be creative in essentially an uncreative space and break the grid pattern of gym equipment up. They added a circle of machines in the middle of the grid for those who are on a time crunch to move in order when the light turns from red to green or something. Problem is, nobody, including me, has time to figure how to use this system out when the machines we want to use are only located in this circle. It’s really easy to bump into someone navigating this circle to get to another machine since there is no clockwise or counterclockwise direction to begin with. And I bumped into quite a few people getting out of the circle and back into the grid. It has quite a large steam room and sauna! It’s not cruisy unlike the Gold’s Gyms in Downtown and Hollywood! They’re really big and kind of located in a hidden part of the dressing room, just waiting for all the gays in Glendale to come out of the woodwork.

Another problem, although this is more of a cultural one than about the gym, is that there is a hydro-massage chair area, which is dead center in the middle of the gym and freaky to look at. There is an entranceway into a dim room with humans in these large black leather recliners staring at small bright televisions in front of large bright flat-screen televisions that are blasting advertisements. It reminds me of two things: the meme of a 24 Hour Fitness gym entrance in Florida with two massive escalators in-between a narrow ten-step stairwell to get into the gym. And two: the dystopian scene in Wall-E with fat humans who survive the pollution apocalypse and float in space in automated hovercrafts, completely oblivious, watching televisions on a recliner. It’s a sad reflection of our culture. But I do like that they have a ‘kids area’ for parents. And that there is now a Gold’s Gym in-between Downtown LA and Pasadena.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

6/30/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Halloween Party at the W Hotel – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Halloween Party at the W Hotel – 2/5 Stars

W Hollywood
$$$ Hotels
6250 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

To sum up the Halloween Party at the W, the top three Halloween costumes were as follows:

Guys:
1. Nothing
2. Sports or professional uniform
3. Something goofy/stupid

Girls:
1. Sexy kitten
2. Playboy bunny
3. Slutty (fill in the blank)

The W Halloween Party Tickets were $25 per person and there was loud Top 40 music playing in the lobby. A muted Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis was playing on the projector screen in the patio area.

In conclusion, there are no words that could describe our disdain for those not dressing up or being a sexy anthropomorphic animal at a Halloween party. We were too far from West Hollywood at the time, but should have used the money for a cab ride and back! Security guards, sans the one screaming at some guy for opening the patio gate, you were too nice and lenient to those you let in.

And to the girl handing out leaflets on the patio: the half-off crystal ball psychic readings coupons you gave us were already expired.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 0

11/1/2013

 

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hammer Museum – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hammer Museum – 5/5 Stars

Hammer Museum
Museums
10899 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90024

Hammer is not my favorite museum in Los Angeles. But it is free, and I appreciate that it offers an unholy marriage of the overly conceptual with the more traditional art forms.

Basically, I enjoy reading about the deep philosophies behind some of the crap on the walls. It is always a statement from a 70-year-old that has been doing art his or her entire life and got a PhD in it. (Me in the future.) One room, for example, is pixel art over plexi glass. There are basically three rooms that is dedicated to paint-by-number colored pixels over pictures of trees by artist Charles Gaines. I got the concept from one of these pictures but in case if I didn’t, Hammer has got an entire fleet of his ‘pixel trees’. But honestly, where else can I scoff at such intellectual-aesthetic masturbation so gloriously displayed in a white cube? In one room right next to pixel trees, we got paintings by Degas, Manet, and Cezanne to sprinkle in some of the classics.

Besides looking, there is some touching and interactivity, but mostly in the form of passive interactivity like laying on sculptural rocking chairs, listening to weird organ music on headphones, and reading art books. I am sure the live performances are quite a gas, as they have plenty of streaming documentation of them playing on the televisions with headphones. I once saw David Lynch here promoting his documentary on transcendental meditation in 2013, so I am quite certain that the back of my head was conspicuous if Hammer streamed the recording of this event in one of their galleries. One of the exhibitions in the courtyard is a raised enclosure with hammocks and books labeled by countries. It invites you to pick up and read a book not knowing anything else but the country it is from. I chose Canada and laid on the hammock learning about farming. (See picture.)

One thing that Hammer museum has en masse is docents; Hammer offers an arsenal of UCLA docent undergrads (my friend has been one for a few years) with clickers monitoring your every movement in each gallery space. It is kind of unnerving because most of them are insanely bored. I got stopped by a docent in one room because my messenger bag was touching my back (there is a strict no bags touching your back rule that I was breaking). Also, I get really anxious when I hear that click sound from the clicker once I enter a room, so I lose focus on looking at the artwork and looking at the docent eagerly waiting for my passing through. As I was about to enter a room, I see that trembling finger of a docent desperately waiting to click in my entrance.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

5/6/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cafe Gratitude – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cafe Gratitude – 3/5 Stars

Cafe Gratitude
$$ Vegan, Vegetarian, Cafes
639 N Larchmont Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90004

LA is such a city of fake gratitude that I can see how a Cafe Gratitude would work better here than in San Francisco. Years before they closed all the locations down in the Bay Area, it felt a lot more casual and hippie and like a cafe. You sit wherever you like, and servers with green dreadlocks casually greet you. It was inexpensive and felt a bit more gritty and bohemian. Now spending $15 on beans, tempeh, and two stale hardened cheese biscuits in a clean, upscale bistro with a smiling server who takes credit cards makes me feel like a smile back is $gratitude.

The surprisingly stale I Am Resolved macadamia cashew cheddar biscuits tasted like they’ve been sitting out all day and definitely were not made at the same time the good beans and tempeh were made, as well as the yummy collards, yams, coleslaw, etc. Perhaps that’s what I should go for next time are the more raw vegetable and nut-based dishes because the oven is probably used only once a day – if that. And I already did just that by ordering the I Am Dazzling vegan caesar salad the next time I came here. Let me tell you that Veggie Grill has a better vegan caesar salad for 1/3 cheaper. The crushed brazil nuts that act as ‘parmesan cheese’ in the I Am Dazzling here definitely still tastes like raw nuts and does not make up for a sharp cheese that it desperately needs. I have been vegan for over 15 years so I am not comparing to ‘real’ cheese in a caesar salad, just the better vegan caesar salads I’ve had in my lifetime. The salad is also underwhelming for the price and the cashew caesar dressing could be more plentiful.

Now I can’t believe I just got into a fight with management at Cafe GRATITUDE over them giving me a hard time about honoring a 10% neighbor discount as a member of this amazing writers’ community/large shared office space next door. Everything is communal and built around trust and cooperation over there. These people at the writers’ community told me that they set up this special discount with the general manager Alice Liu who apparently told them that the managers “all knew” about the discount. One of these managers that “knew” looks at me as if I am crazy and insisted that giving me 10% off would be a favor “just this once”. She even photographed my card because it must’ve been some type of scam I’ve been pulling. What neighbors! I guess the confusion comes not from management but from corporate, aka the vegan sellout owners, who told them as an act of gratitude to discontinue neighbor discounts but to eagerly offer people to sign up for ‘Gratification’ cards as a way to earn ‘gratitude points’ for every fifteen dollars you spend on tempeh. I think that’s why this place thrives in LA.

All in all, all I can say is that I’ve been here so many damn times and gratitude exists here no more. It’s expensive, but still, it has pretty good food and a nice upscale bistro atmosphere. I stopped myself from writing a review here for many years and that was a true act of gratitude towards a friendship with a handsome server who moved up north after years of being here since it first opened. The one great thing about this place is their only milkshake ever that they offer. The vegan mint milkshake is incredible and worth coming here for by itself.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 8

10/21/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Lapperts Ice Cream – 2/5 Stars (Owner Response)

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Lapperts Ice Cream – 2/5 Stars (Owner Response)

Lappert’s Premium Gourmet Ice Cream – Palm Springs
$ Ice Cream & Frozen Yogurt, Shaved Ice, Juice Bars & Smoothies
130 N Palm Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262

I found the old couple who owns this place to be annoying and pushy. I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT THE DAMN ICE CREAM before making a decision and the old man kept talking my ear off, trying to make me speed up my decision after I told him three times that I need another minute. At that point, I had probably only been in the shop for SECONDS after him showing me about four or five flavors of ice cream. Honestly, both my partner and I were so turned off by old man motormouth pressuring us to make a decision and annoyingly just not being able to stop namedropping different flavors that we just left. I don’t get it. Although this place fills up really fast, he seemed so desperate like someone who hasn’t seen customers all day. I basically threw in the towel and walked out and we went to Ben & Jerry’s. Lol.

What actually helped speed my decision besides this place seeming to have a bit of a grim and outdated facade was seeing that only tiny slivers of the papaya sorbet – the flavor that I really wanted to try here – was left along the perimeter of the tin. And the guy, after recommending all the flavors, said that the papaya sorbet was out but he could get more from the back, as if he’d be doing us such the big favor not scraping that tin bone dry.

By the way, the peanut butter and cookie almond ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s was marvelous guys, so thanks for not shutting up.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

8/10/2016

Comment from Joseph G. of Lappert’s Premium Gourmet Ice Cream – Palm Springs
Business Owner

Dear Christine:

Thank you for your review. But I feel you might have the wrong Ice Cream store? my wife one of the owners is under 40 years old and I am in my early 50?. you kept saying in your review old man??? you also said we carry Papaya we never have carried it and you said it was in the vin we don’t carry metal. We have bins that the Ice Cream is in. maybe this is the first time for you in a Ice Cream store?? Thank you for your pleasant review, Adam

8/12/2016

 

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Flowering Tree – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Flowering Tree – 4/5 Stars

The Flowering Tree – CLOSED
$$ American (New), Breakfast & Brunch
8253 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046

Some dislikes but my god the food is good…

First, so many reviews here say “there are so many vegan options” but don’t even go further to describe them. No there are not so many vegan options here. But there are a few, albeit delicious, options that can be modified to be made vegan. I am going to submit a request to the Yelp mod bots to remove “vegetarian” from the categories because the bulk majority of the food items come with chicken, turkey or fish. It confused me to say the least. It is as much of a stretch to label this place vegetarian as it would be calling Urth Caffe a vegetarian place, but all can be forgiven now that I am in the know…

I ordered the Tofu Scramble that comes with three Eggs “Without Eggs” on the dropdown menu on Eat24. When I arrived, there was a handsome guy in front with glasses who saw that the cook didn’t read the instructions and made this thing with eggs. They almost had a tiny argument about it. Front: “It says to make it without eggs.” Cook: “Yeah I made it with eggs!” Hence, if modifying any of the food here from Eat24, it may help to write no eggs in Spanish so the cooks understand better. Lo escribe en Español: “SIN HUEVOS.” It took about ten minutes to correct the mistake and I appreciated that the remake wasn’t rushed. It was nice to hang out here for a bit as the atmosphere is nice, very quiet and casual.

The Tofu Scramble without Eggs is prepared more like what I would call a Veggie Tofu Stir-fry with brown rice. Although I was hoping for proper tofu scramble, their tofu stir-fry is one of the best I’ve had in a while. And probably the best in Los Angeles. It’s light, the brown rice is incredibly delicious and the vegetables (sauteed spinach and broccoli) were phenomenal. The portion was definitely not skimpy and it came with toast. Actually, the toast was probably my least favorite. They took the time to prepare such good organic food and serve it with prepackaged sliced bread and also with Smuckers Jam (is far from being organic and is made with high fructose corn syrup) and non-vegan butter packets. It’s a bit of a poor touch for an otherwise exquisite meal.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

4/14/2017

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Virgin America – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Virgin America – 2/5 Stars

Virgin America – CLOSED
Airlines
600 World Way
Los Angeles, CA 90045

A company that is as old as the invention of the iPod is pushing it when it blames its newness as a defense. Virgin America’s human resources still calls itself a new company and as a new company, it is still in development. How can a seven-year-old company that hasn’t changed at all over the past seven years claim this?! ‘Sorry, but we’re new’ will not fly, Virgin America.

I remember when I began to fly on Virgin America almost seven years ago and it was the same experience I have now, except there were more freebies back then. I have flown countless times since and I am not asking Virgin America to change the infrastructure of the entire company when I contacted human resources. I was asking to add another vegan flight option besides a kids option: the ‘Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich’. Especially when said half sandwich runs out, and I am on a seven-hour flight from New York to Los Angeles and am HUNGRY!

You know those annoying people who will -only- eat kosher, halal or um vegan food? This is me. I not only expected that they would have enough of peanut butter and jelly sandwich halves, but something else. Come on? I mean, there are as many vegan people as gay people nowadays, especially in the places Virgin America flies out of like Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York.

After surviving on cold gazpacho (three or so tomato juices), I emailed guest relations twice. After the first person Lilliana’s response was a lame forward to in-flight catering, I then got the manager Michael to respond to me. Both of their responses was to forward the comments to in-flight catering. Michael the manager’s response went on to say that vegan is a special meal request, but in-flight catering is constantly improving a menu that has not changed at all in seven years:

“The demand for such meals is limited and our service design is simple. We do, however, pay particular attention during menu design to meeting as many dietary preferences as possible. With that said; we are a new company and will be assessing all of our guests’ comments. As Lilliana has mentioned, your email has been forwarded on to our Inflight Catering Management team for review. Based on feedback, we will consider changes to our service offerings.”

If it really takes another seven years to consider another vegan option besides the ‘Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich’, Virgin America is doomed. I thought this was the cool airline. Claiming to be ignorant based on being young means trying to be proactive about it and not regressive like the old-timer airlines. I even gave Virgin America almost six months to think about what they should do and do it, and looking at the menu now, of course nothing has changed.

Peanut Butter and Jam Half Sandwich, you are the only beacon of a hungry vegan’s hope. Pathetic.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 1

12/1/2012

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hi Tofu – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hi Tofu – 5/5 Stars

Hi Tofu
$$ Specialty Food, Korean, Vegetarian
32459 Temecula Pkwy
Temecula, CA 92592

Hi Tofu!

Tofu: Hi, how are you?

Eh. What are you doing besides chilling?

Tofu: Nothing. What do you mean by … ‘Eh’?

Well, I don’t know what to do about my sister.

Tofu: What’s that?

Well, I believe the scariest thing about going to a Korean restaurant for the first time is being presented with a solid egg. She hated the experience because of it.

Tofu: Dude, tell her it’s traditional. The egg. Like, Korean food is not Korean food without the Egg. She needs to put it in the boiling soup. She needs to. It’s like Easter without the Egg. It doesn’t work.

Oh. what about people who don’t eat egg?

Tofu: Dude, no.

Hi Tofu is the best tofu. They accept credit cards too! The ajumma is persistent about the egg being dropped into the appropriate bowl. (The ajumma is savvy about non-egg eaters too.) The spicy soups are perfectly spiced. You are presented with side trays galore with delicious kimchi as one. The bimbimbap is very flavorful. The store is quaint, minimalist and I like that it is hidden. I’d rather have a large storefront window facing trees than a parking lot.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

1/15/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Museum of Death – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Museum of Death – 3/5 Stars

Museum Of Death – CLOSED
Museums
6031 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

About 24,999 out of 25,000 people who currently die are not murdered so this Museum of Death is not for them!

To the one, I am glad that there are no actual dead bodies here. Just a lot of blood, hair, letters, and -pictures- of dead bodies from the 20th (and some 19th) century. Old gore. I came here on my birthday. I live down the street from it and was curious to see it for the sake of passing it by hundreds of times. I got someone to buy me a ticket as a birthday present and we went. They are located across the street from a busy hostel and the clientele is not much different than that – younger people who are on a day trip to Hollywood. It fills up with a bunch of smelly midwesterners, European midwesterners, and a hispanic mom with her baby in a stroller. Surprisingly, this place held a lot of people at 2pm on a weekday. Agoraphobics and claustrophobics – watch out. The inside of this place is built like a narrow maze that is cluttered and stuffy. If there was a fire, there would be many deaths in The Museum of Death! And the thought of this place as a potential fire hazard freaked me out as much as the graphic stuff.

The presentation of this place offers no focused direction. You can sufficiently see everything within an hour and they offer at least something from almost all of the famous murders in American history. The first thing I thought upon entering the serial killer drawing room was that it smelled musty. Many of the things here are kind of aged and yellowed and appear as if they would probably be difficult to remove off the wall that they are stuck on. Everything in here is at least 15 or 20 years old. Actually – to come to think of it – nothing in here really dates past 2000. Everything dates from the late Victorian era (coffins/embalming/specimens) to black-and-white era murder photos (like the Black Dahlia) to the 1980s and 1990s ‘contemporary’ murders, blurry point-and-shoot glossy photographs of dead mullet-heads. There were also late 20th century drawings from serial killers. The most vivid to me was the newest stuff – watching a video of a guy’s jaw getting blown off from an execution-style shooting I think in Iran in the 1990s. I believe the owner of this place probably lost his passion for collecting this stuff at some point 15 years ago or was in jail for dabbling in the murder paraphernalia black market. The owner had to flee San Diego and take his museum goodies to Hollywood after getting in trouble for acquiring a set of bunk beds from the Heaven’s Gate cult murders.

This place can not only use more updating, like bloody bullet-holed textbooks from Columbine High School or Luka Magnotta’s one-way ticket to Berlin, for example, but it needs more ventilation and a lot more cleaning. We went in at the same time when some guy with A LOT of cologne came in. Something about looking at bones, hair, and drawings from serial killers in a narrow, winding, and unventilated room while smelling this guy’s heavy cologne made me feel nauseous. Something dreadful is in the air and it isn’t bad juju – it is stench and it collects.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

5/9/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: fōnuts – 4/5 Stars (Formerly 2/5 Stars)

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: fōnuts – 4/5 Stars (Formerly 2/5 Stars)

fōnuts – Los Angeles
$$ Donuts, Gluten-Free, Vegan
8104 W 3rd St
Los Angeles, CA 90048

Updated review

I’ve been coming here more often – twice since the two-star – because the basic vanilla vegan donut is incredibly good and fresher! I forget what I had that first time, but I believe it was BLUE. As a rule of thumb, I am staying away from being adventurous with donuts because I get seriously autistic about donuts tasting like things that I don’t expect them to be. It freaks me out.

Their cold brew is also deliciously floral coffee from Lame-ill. The cafe is very empty, but I like it empty.

The barista/managerista is nice.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

11/7/2015

 

Previous review

(Puts fōnut in mouth.)

Hmmm… hmmm… mmm? AAAGH! STALE, stale, stale, crumbly, dry tongue is unhappy, tongue is unhappy… (pressing lips against tongue to get donut crumbs off of it.)

That was basically my reaction and then the spitting of the donut along the gutters between the sidewalk and 3rd since there wasn’t a garbage can in front. Expensive, AWFUL vegan/gluten-free donut place. I partially knew I was gonna be let down when I came into the gray vacant hole of this space and there were only like ten donuts to choose from.

Probably modeled after the same clowns who run Baby Cakes on Larchmont. At least I know I won’t be getting hives, nausea, or a stuffy nose from these $4 wheatless O’s. Why can’t LA be more like Portland with regards to vegan/gluten-free donuts?

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

8/9/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: MySpace – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: MySpace – 3/5 Stars

MySpace
121 2nd Street
San Francisco, CA 94105

The year 2003 was the year of the internet. Half the people in the Web 2.0 digital world didn’t own their own digital camera yet and relied on scanned prints or webcam images of themselves to represent their avatars. The cool people had their own two or three megapixel cameras. It began as the year of Friendster and ended as the year of MySpace.

MySpace wouldn’t have become MySpace if the stupid Friendster servers didn’t stop working in the middle of summer 2003. You got all the bored teenagers addicted to Web 2.0 like crack and then you take it away from them by not investing in more efficient servers. Bad bad Friendster. On top of that, a rumor spread that you considered charging users to contact people. Bad bad bad Friendster!

So after the Friendster exodus occurred around Summer 2003, MySpace became as popular as Yelp is today. It was comfortably popular. Rockstars in Los Angeles who currently own hundreds of thousands of friends on their MySpace page owned a mere few hundred and that was a high number compared to Friendster. Friendster limited the number of friends you can add and MySpace was no-holds-barred.

On top of that, MySpace was in general A LOT better than Friendster. The servers weren’t slow. There was a blog, a message board, and the ability to edit your own html on your page. You carried more confidence that the website wouldn’t abruptly fail when you were writing your friend a long message so communication between friends was a lot better. The teenagers who were addicted to the internet went fanatical over the new website. I was 20-years-old and the website was fun and pretentious. Pretentiousness that wasn’t profitable.

Let’s jump five years later. All the teenagers are in their early to mid-20s now. They’ve become slightly wrinkled around the eyes and fatter. Pretentiousness became profitable. Bands and miscellaneous groups that are dependent on the website for promotion are almost as prevalent as the number of people that are actually on the website. The website is a large gentrified digital mall now. It’s lost its edge.

A few days ago, I was offered money to give up my MySpace handle to a hip-hop artist. Do you want to know what I said? I said I’m interested. If I can cash in from what MySpace has become today, I say this is a catalyst to buck Yahoo 2.0. I’m under surveillance when I click on each page and I imagine five vulture companies that separately advertise “VEGAN GOODS CLICK HERE” or something else based on my interests (in other words, MySpace allows advertisers to record my information to profit off me) are making a moneybag.

Besides the dynamics of the website, I can’t rant about the people on here because they represent the normal demographic of the US population. I did get contacted by my biological mother. Problem was, I already have one.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 7

6/3/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: City Lights Booksellers & Publishers – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: City Lights Booksellers & Publishers – 5/5 Stars

City Lights Booksellers & Publishers
$$ Bookstores
261 Columbus Ave
San Francisco, CA 94133

Lawrence Ferlinghetti:

I was surprised when your friends helped you stand up to the podium in discomfort after being huddled and rolled in a wheelchair. You could have been ailing when you relied on the wooden podium to keep you standing with your elbows but you continued on and on and on in mustered strength and paused in short intervals to catch your breath.

Your face seemed naked in retrospect. Then you put your thick red glasses on and began to read in a low voice that echoed the room in silence, attentive silence. You know, the silence that comes with concentration like focus, deep deep focus on a maverick in his blazer and jeans. His hairline below his ears with a full white beard. His hair bushier in front than in back. I still couldn’t hear you.

Your audience was a loyal audience and represented your audience; the two generations after yours. Younger old people who read more than A Coney Island of the Mind. Youth from the 50s and 60s; the ones who didn’t die from drug overdoses and who stayed in college and years later looked like typical university senior faculty members. It looked like an academic conference, only larger and as intimidating. Men and women with glasses from too much reading. Men with pressed blazers with and women with dyed reddish hair in slacks and shoes with thick heels.

I was 21-years-old on when I saw you read. I turned 21 one day before you turned 85. I photographed you. I photographed you being photographed. Now you’re almost 90.

You, your bookstore, the Beats are entrenched within a historical period but that second floor room with poetry readings is a continuing homage to get writing out there. That’s at least what your bookstore has taught me. The shelves upon shelves of stories about the Beats outnumber the stories by the Beats; and numerous editions of Ginsburg’s Howl in a way that commemorates yourself is like a distinct museum exhibition from a time and place and who which re-reminds myself you are a museum now by means of historical landmark status.

That’s as definitive and respectable to what a bookstore can aim to achieve and it’s reached sort of a peculiar status with yours.

Published poetry may have always been obscure and yet not seemingly dead. Where do the poets exist if distributers and shelve spaces are dwindling? That’s what I ask myself. There are places and you must know where to look because lots of writers solely abide to print. You know where the new books go and what’s on the table or what’s next to your feet. The empty seats upstairs are uncomfortable and they’re there to familiarize. “Sit down and read a book” is intuitively given.

What can be taught when my sister found a $100 bill on the gutter near the Jack Kerouac alleyway? Simply that enriching things come to people who look for it.

Thank you.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 8

6/30/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Alta Coffee – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Alta Coffee – 3/5 Stars

Alta Coffee
$ Coffee & Tea, Breakfast & Brunch
506 31st St
Newport Beach, CA 92663

The two baristas at Alta were the dichotomy to an ancient Greek Tragedy and Comedy the night I went. It was the tale of two baristas. The guy with a beard and tattoos was so jovial while the guy with a cast on his hand was so jaded that both were in stark contrast to each other.

While I preferred jovial with tattoos, jaded I was sympathetic to. Jovial was so helpful, he gave me three alternative routes to getting out of the peninsula if I was to get lost and somehow miss the very obvious bridge.

Jaded was so miserable, I purposely took an extra second to get my money out a little longer to watch him get increasingly irritated. He was so moody while he was making the drinks, it was funny to watch his uninhibited emotions and curt responses to the demanding atmosphere around him. Hey, it’s tough to steam drinks with a cast and it’s impossible to do much else like swim, hold beer, jack off and use TiVo with your left hand. There are probably too many lonely nights with his five huskies at his parents’ mansion off Newport Coast. Cheer up, sad one.

Alta is okay. I give the gimp unfriendly guy credit for sufficiently warming the soy chai. (No foam but I didn’t expect any.) The lack of reliable wifi and power outlets was somewhat of a disillusion. It seems like more of an enjoyable place to come during the day than at night.

Useful:Funny: 10  Cool: 5

3/24/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
My Best Yelp Reviews: Café Tropical – 4/5 Stars

My Best Yelp Reviews: Café Tropical – 4/5 Stars

Café Tropical
Cafes, Sandwiches, Cuban
2900 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Are you a Mexican taqueria?

No. Five down and four to go, Miss Francis?

Can I assume that you are not a coffeehouse?

No. Six down and three to go, Mr. Cerf?

Are you a Starbucks?

No. Seven down, two to go. Mr. Block?

Well do you serve waffles?!

[Audience laughs.] That makes it one to go, Miss Kilgallen?

Could you be a ‘tropical cafe’?

[Audience clapping.]

Cafe Tropical is the 1950s Hawaiian Garden that never dried up, but Cuban. It’s kind of old and kind of tropical, mostly due to the Cuban pesos that are taped to the front counter next to their register. It’s one of three Cuban places I can recall in Silver Lake, and one of the two that have not been destroyed by hurricane gentrification.

If you want sweet bakery things, then this place is for you fatty. I have no comment on the sweets but it’s got a very strong, delicious and inexpensive espresso. It’s got a lot of tables. It’s reluctantly got wifi, but the place wasn’t made for computer surfing as there are only incidental outlets that computer surfers plug up at next to the kitchen area.

Finally, there is a lot of dedication that they spend to their potted trees; they spend quite a bit of time carrying them outside when they open and back inside when they close. They look heavy! I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine while this guy is moving these tall potted trees. He was talking to me while I saw these large trees hovering behind his head as they were carried from one side of the cafe to the other. I was touched by the dedication that they have to set up and closing the outside. Even though this cafe looks its age and most people would probably not even take a second glance at the potted trees adorning this place outside, I do.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 1

7/7/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Du-Par’s Restaurant and Bakery – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Du-Par’s Restaurant and Bakery – 2/5 Stars

Du-Pars Restaurant and Bakery – CLOSED
Bakeries, American (Traditional), Breakfast & Brunch
12036 Ventura Blvd
Studio City, CA 91604

It was important that my friend take me here because “David Lynch was once here writing Twin Peaks” and at the same time I come here having irreverent flashbacks of the same era. The amazingly awful gold chandeliers, carpet, and brown furniture hit me with memories of growing up and eating at a diner in Morris County, New Jersey circa 1990. I was 7 years old and eating a tiny bowl of macaroni and cheese in red glasses and an ugly sweater with a turtleneck underneath. All of my relatives who later died of cancers and dementias were not decrepit-looking yet and eating varying forms of diner meat with opaque gravies and cream sauces.

There is nothing I would eat here anymore, so I had coffee and watched my friend enjoy his chicken noodle soup and boysenberry pie. I would have been fine with just drinking a good, strong coffee from a lipstick-smudged and scratched-up mug the waiter had given me, had the lipstick smudge been just on the outer brim on one side. Nope. The pink lipstick was actually way more apparent on the underside of the mug, upstaged by heavy scratches all along the other side of the mug. (See picture.) Perhaps a waitress was having a bad day in the break-room, but how and why did I get her dirty, scratched-up break-room mug when everyone else near us had clean, different shaped, and brand new mugs? I can see how David Lynch found inspiration for a murder mystery here.

Too bad the coffee was good, or else this lipstick-smudged scratched-up mug would have seen a stale muddy brew go to waste.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 5

1/10/2015

 

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hostelling International – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Hostelling International – 4/5 Stars

Hostelling International
Hostels
1436 2nd St
Santa Monica, CA 90401

I hate getting to know people. It’s always cliche. Australians – in the 30+ hostels I’ve stayed at, I always meet Australians. They love living in hostels. They’re always bisexual because their continent is boring. I had sex with one in the bottom bunk bed once. And then in a shower. It was really small. A lot of them are bi.

I’ve stayed here enough times to warrant a solid review. Couches are on every floor. The en-suite bathroom is not as great as the outdoor one, which means save the five extra dollars per night and shower from the bathroom in the hallways. Chances of meeting an Australian there are great.

I’ve also stayed at hosteling internationals in San Francisco and Portland and this is the better of the hostels. It is spacious and clean. I hate feeding the beast because hosteling international sucks for monopolizing all of the hostels in America. But they’ve got good coffee! They’ve also got a good breakfast, which includes canned peaches, good coffee, orange juice, bread or mini-bagels, jam and cereal.

This is a $50/night and over hostel ($38/night base + $9 tax + $3/night non-member fee + $5/night optional upgrade). I think the non-$5/night upgrade also earns your room three or four extra beds. It is expensive as hell for a hostel but it is six minutes walking distance to the Santa Monica Pier. I stay here every time I work in Santa Monica. I use my passport because I probably otherwise wouldn’t be allowed to stay there. The website explicitly states that Los Angeles county residents are not welcome.

Useful:Funny: 11  Cool: 1

10/4/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: TSA – Transportation Security Administration – 1/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: TSA – Transportation Security Administration – 1/5 Stars

TSA – Transportation Security Administration
Police Departments
5767 W Century Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90045

I came in from Mexico City on Sunday 3/1/15 via Gate 6 at LAX and TSA thought I was a mule. I was put into an additional screening line after some guy asked me what I did for work, and then where I was born. I understand to say that I was pissed off is not a legitimate complaint. I stood in a line with three people and I let the TSA guy know that it’s ridiculous that my passport is basically littered with stamps from several countries and a UK visa; and never have I had to go through an additional screening before.

The guy usurped a power position and said now I’m going to listen to him. He decidely used my bad attitude to lecture me about not knowing me, and ask me question after question about my shady trip to a drug-laden country like Mexico. After looking through my dirty clothes, laptop, pockets, notebook and not finding anything in my bag, he then decided to do a thorough patdown in another room next to the bags. I have flown to over ten different countries and never had a patdown to the extent that I was taken to a private room, told to hold my arms far upward and out against a white wall littered with fingerprints from people that had to do the same thing, told to spread my legs wide enough that they were at 45 degree angles and have the perimeter of my anal wall cuffed with gloved hands. I am unsure if instead of desperately trying to find any drugs but retribution for a bad attitude means they have agency to poke my anus in a prone position.

He then had me take off my shoes, he looked between the credit cards in my wallet, searched my jacket and came up with nothing. Nobody else but me had to be taken to that other room.

What bothers me most is that TSA wrote back about my complaint and basically stated thank you for giving us something to add to our TSA watchlist file of you and that we otherwise do not care. Perhaps this excessive and ‘Gestapo’-like level of treatment is admirable, appropriate and desirable to heavily funded security agencies, but it’s probably going to one day undo itself since nobody is going to want to come here anymore or come back here. It’s a really fucking tempting thought.

Yes I got anal probed at TSA and everyone is either like ‘I hope he was cute’ or (re: Winston K) well I bet they didn’t stick their fingers THAT high. Seriously, I am then so grateful for decency and that my big Mexican drug baggie was high enough to be tucked behind some rectal curves. Asswipes.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

3/1/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
My Best Yelp Reviews: Eyetailor – 5/5 Stars

My Best Yelp Reviews: Eyetailor – 5/5 Stars

Eyetailor
$$ Eyewear & Opticians
4310 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029

I -never- seek coming to Eyetailor. It looks like any other stylish glasses shop. But they’re particularly amazing because whenever I warp or misplace parts of my glasses or sunglasses, they are always ready to fix it.

This all stared with a pair of Christian Dior aviator sunglasses from like 2007. Remember the big aviator sunglass craze of yesteryear?! Wherever the $400 that went into making a pair of Christian Dior sunglasses at the time, not much of it went into the soldering of hinges or the testing of them. So the faulty hinge mechanism couldn’t hold its weight against the heavy metal sunglasses, and then the metal that held the screw in would begin to warp and break off.

Well any-who, the owner Sung sung wonders into those frames and they held up for a couple of more years and didn’t break again before they went out of style. And many years later, another guy helped me out with un-warping a pair of glasses that got smushed in my bag. The messed up frame around the lens nearly blinded my left eye and gave me headaches. He spent 30 minutes on this issue, even while a couple of other demanding customers kept asking him questions about their glasses in the display case. He fixed my glasses first and then cleaned them before helping someone else out. So for him not leaving me high and dry for a sale, I give an applause.

I cannot speak much for their glasses in the display cases, but they have nicer and more stylish glasses than an optometrist would. All I know is that they helped me throughout the years with chronic and not-so-chronic issues. They charge $10 for every fix and really made something not-so-great so great.

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 0

12/28/2017

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Greater Los Angeles Area Mensa – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Greater Los Angeles Area Mensa – 4/5 Stars

Greater Los Angeles Area Mensa
Community Service/Non-Profit
Los Angeles, CA 90001

I biked to Caltech in Pasadena. I paid $40. I took the test. I failed!

The classroom included about twelve or thirteen people from all walks of life, but mostly younger people, followed by trickles of people as old as 80 years old.

The intelligence test includes a section on math, a section on patterns and a section on memory. The key is you have ten minutes to finish 40 questions for each section. The pattern section is like:

{/o} }o|{ {|o} … which comes next?

or:

:-* ~_^ =D :-[ … which is least like the other?

The math section is like:

What is the square root of four divided by three cubed?

The memory section is an audio you listen to at the beginning of the test. Ours was about details of an ancient ritual in Greece. They then ask a question an hour later, which god(s) were they worshiping?

Even though I failed, it was a lot of fun. Upon receiving my results, the admissions person seemed eager to have the failing test taker submit any other proof that he or she can join Mensa, including SAT and GRE scores that she would assess for free. (I believe normally showing proof of other scores in the 98 percentile would be a $40 assessment fee.)

Mensans knows that people use this stuff on their resumes. You can tick this option on their application for why you wish to join. What I learned from not being smart enough is that people are as happy to hear I failed the Mensa test as they would be to hear I got in. It seems to make a good anecdote.

From the looks of a monthly booklet, a Mensan doesn’t collectively use his or her brainpower to save the world, but more to play challenging puzzles with each other during their weekly meetup.

I sadly will not be playing any complicated puzzles.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: X-Spot – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: X-Spot – 4/5 Stars

X Spot – CLOSED
Music & DVDs
5507 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

X Spot was formally called Le Sex Shoppe and was the poet Charles Bukowski’s porn shop of choice back in the day.

It is sort of the last standing building on Hollywood & Western that pays homage to a bygone era of Hollywood East.

The front is very, very plain. There are no painted bikini ladies anymore. There are no bold advertisements for 25 cent porn movies. In fact, I didn’t really know what was inside here. I have passed this shop by countless times. I kind of presumed it was a gay porn shop now because it looks so secretive.

You can only come inside by being ringed in, which there is no doorbell for. Apparently some people are not allowed in here. Some guy rushed in behind me while the door was opening, as I was entering, and quickly entered the ‘arcade’ part of the shop in the back room.

Things I didn’t realize upon entering this porn shop:

  1. It is not a gay porn shop!
  2. There are lots and lots and lots of boobs. They’ve got women, men, objects of every kind attached to boobs. There are a lot of DVD and magazine offerings of boobs at the very front.
  3. There is a discount sex toy rack. If you are looking for a cheap dildos or fleshlight equivalents for under $10, look at the rack.
  4. It is surprisingly clean and well-maintained.
  5. The ‘arcade’, which is thoroughly advertised in front, is in the back room. I saw a lot of guys buzzing around there on an early Monday afternoon. There may be a golden pot of glory holes back there, but this is only speculation, for now.

X Spot, formally known as Le Sex Shoppe, as shown in the 1970s Charles Bukowski days.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 2

4/9/2013

 

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Doomies Home Cookin’ – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Doomies Home Cookin’ – 5/5 Stars

Doomie’s Home Cookin’
$$ American (Traditional), Bakeries
1253 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

My partner and I were trying to remember the names of vegan restaurants we’ve been to a long time ago. And it’s tough! I usually remember vegan restaurants based on their location, cross streets or locale and less the food.

Trying to remember a vegan restaurant based on the food a challenge because every vegan restaurant serves the same kind of healthy fare. No matter how delicious it is, it is usually 75% similar to another place. Real Food Daily and Native Foods might be a little different, not really: quinoa salad versus quinoa burger versus quinoa with kale. I cannot describe the difference between the two based on quinoa, so RFD is always the vegan place near the Beverly Center and Native Foods is the larger vegan chain. And then there’s Veggie Grill, quinoa this, quinoa that. And the million Thai vegan places. Would you like tofu, soy chicken, soy beef or vegetables with your bastardized thai dish?

NOW DOOMIES, Fuckin’ Doomies. This bunny’s nest is in its own realm. It is the NOT HEALTHY vegan restaurant. So if someone were describing the vegan restaurant with the fried chicken and lump of mashed potatoes and buttery corn.

“Oh! You’ve been to Doomies.”

No need to describe the dim and outdated shopping center it’s located in or it being close to Fountain and Vine. It is different enough to not need any of that.

Southern fried food, burgers, ‘secret menu’ burgers and the ellipses goes on and on. While the Big Mac is heavy and will probably last some people a day (come hungry), the fried chicken is incredible. To the chagrin of people who find this disgusting, it has its own soy layer of skin that’s fried. You dissect this thing and eat it to the bone, like a piece of regular chicken.

I remember coming here. Unfortunately, I remember coming here not enough. I’ll come back soon!

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 5

4/8/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Bliss Art House – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Bliss Art House – 2/5 Stars

Bliss Art House Cafe – CLOSED
$ Creperies, Juice Bars & Smoothies, Cafes
1249 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Bliss Art House Cafe is, in one word, grim.

The cafe located is located at the front of Villa Elaine apartments, which in itself is one of the last bastions of amazing and historically important artist communities in Hollywood.

These apartment buildings are incredibly beautiful and full of history. Artists keep up the gardening and upkeep of Villa Elaine (in the courtyard behind the coffee shop). Walking through the apartment courtyard (if the front gate is not locked), you see sculptures, amazing gardens and murals. It is truly the last remnants of a bohemian Silver Lake or Echo Park in Hollywood. The abstract and dadaist photographer Man Ray most famously lived in this building in the 1940s.

And then once you exit the gate and there is this lonely troll of a cafe, with its dim and almost worn up facade.

The cafe is truly dark. The furniture is oversized and takes up the entire space. The people here look like that not only they come here to suffer but are invited to join in on the suffering. Like if I ever just found out I got a terminal illness, the mood of this cafe is exactly what I’d want to surround myself in.

This place smells like history is in the front seat and the coffee tastes like it too.

Useful:Funny: 10  Cool: 5

1/5/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Getty Villa – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Getty Villa – 3/5 Stars

The Getty Villa
Botanical Gardens, Art Museums
17985 Pacific Coast Hwy
Pacific Palisades, CA 90272

These turkeys really, really want you to DRIVE here.

No, this turkey is not driving. This turkey took the two-hour number 2 Sunset bus from Sunset and Western all the way over here, to Sunset and Pacific Coast Highway. Be sure you take the Sunset bus that says P.C.H. and not to U.C.L.A./Westwood. Be sleepy, as the bus ride is long but only costs $1.50. Also be sure to give yourself a lot of room to get here when you book your reservation and print out your ticket. I left at 1:30 p.m. for my 4 p.m. ticket.

Once I got there, I walked about 1/3 of a mile from the end of Sunset and Pacific Coast Highway to the pearly gates of The Getty Villa. Tip: Get your feet sandy, rather than run over. If walking to The Getty Villa from Sunset, be sure to walk along the beach and not along the east side of the highway. The sidewalk abruptly ends and becomes all Pacific Coast Highway with fast-moving cars, which is dangerous to navigate. Great city planning, LA. There are a lot of ruins in this region due to the mudslides. Be ready to traverse around jagged concrete slabs that jut towards the ocean and stop.

When you reach The Getty Villa, there is a restricted staircase and next to it, a long driveway with a security guard ready to check your ticket stub. If you didn’t drive, you have to cross the street three times to get across. You need to cross Pacific Coast Highway along the pedestrian walkway that yields to pedestrians once every 10 minutes. Then you have to cross the driveway after all of the cars that are forced to park in the Getty Villa cross it. Add another 5 minutes. You have to cross into an open gated area and an empty driveway and up the driveway to talk to the security guard. It takes a minute to figure out where you’re going. It states in the front entrance to be prepared to show a receipt of bus fare to ‘prove’ that you didn’t park along the coast.

It took about three minutes to convince the guard that I didn’t somehow park my car along the coast and avoid the $15 parking fee. He said he saw me coming from the southern side and it obviously appeared that I parked there. I said I didn’t. He said prove it. So I needed to somehow ‘prove’ that I didn’t drive to The Getty Villa. Since I didn’t even expect to have to get a receipt from my bus driver (I paid cash), I told him I used a TAP card and showed him that. He then asked about the bus I used and why I didn’t use some other bus that drops people off closer. (Sunset was more direct and I didn’t want to pay another $1.50 to transfer). I explained to him that I lived in Hollywood, showed him my ID and explained the proximity of Hollywood Blvd. to Sunset Blvd., hence taking the Sunset bus. He conceded, since he couldn’t really prove that I parked on the coast for free. Although there was a button to call a van to pick you up, the guard insisted that I wait and I don’t call it.

About ten minutes later, the van came. It took me up to the top. From there is another clusterfuck of weird navigation. You need to take an elevator to an empty hallway that leads to a stairwell that leads to the museum. After one hour of seeing ancient artifacts from civilizations that have been in existence for thousands of years and had time to make a lot of statues, plates and trinkets, I was satisfied and left. The docents are knowledgeable and can answer questions. I read on Wikipedia about one of their directors or trustees having some type of sketchy relationship with acquiring museum objects on the black market, but got caught and had to give back millions of dollars worth of stuff to the respective countries. Sadly, that bit of history about this museum interested me more than the work that was displayed here.

Okay heading back down SHOULD have been easier. But the van that picked us up and drove back down, instead of sensibly using the driveway to drop people off at the bottom, decided to take a long, meandering scenic route from an adjacent and empty private road to Sunset Blvd. This drive took about 15 minutes. They’ve got a ton of unused land surrounding this tiny museum and apparently it’s all made for driving to and from it. We basically passed my bus stop from Sunset Blvd. and then got stuck in traffic after turning right on Pacific Coast Highway. Sadly, I hope they realize that walking and alternative methods of transportation are slowly beginning to triumph car culture in Los Angeles.

All in all, a nice museum in a horrific psycho-geographical layout. It is definitely worth it, for a one time visit.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 3

9/6/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Graffiti Sublime Coffee – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Graffiti Sublime Coffee – 3/5 Stars

Graffiti Sublime Coffee – CLOSED
$$ Coffee & Tea, American (New)
180 S La Brea Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90036

When I first entered this place, it was very white, postmodern and musty.

An awful up-beat jazz saxophone solo blasts in the background, which jars the kind of sedate people sitting on laptops kind of atmosphere; and the baristas, especially the male, were nice to me. He waved as I left! Iced tea is the cheapest drink at $4. The wifi passcode was jeSSIca lAnge or someone with a celEbRIty’s name. PtUi pTuI!

In general, it was such a jarring place that my visceral reaction kicked in an endorphin rush like successful conceptual artwork. I was looking at edgy pop art across the street, and the feeling could be best described when I saw a painting of Queen Elizabeth portrait from British £ and her face was painted with rouge, lipstick, light blue eyeshadow and blonde hair. The Queen looked like a transvestite Marilyn Monroe screen print by Warhol.

Despite how weird this place is, I didn’t hate it. I stayed well after my wifi expired, which is probably against the rules. (Note: European-style coffee shop rules, no extras, no appeasement to breaking them.) I totally saw someone ‘sneak’ into the coffee shop by jumping the tiny black gate through the patio in front to meet his friend and not pay for a mandatory drink first. I didn’t stay long enough to see if he was tortured and beheaded.

The iced tea was good. The patio, where the loud saxo-mo-phone playing wasn’t playing, was attractive.

Useful:Funny: 11  Cool: 2

4/16/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: 99 Cents Only Store – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: 99 Cents Only Store – 4/5 Stars

99 Cents Only Stores
$ Discount Store, Party Supplies
5270 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027

Free condoms are the bane of the well-endowed.

Free condoms are always small and never large.

Free condoms are well-intentioned but funky.

Free condoms generally suck.

My search for the inexpensive large condom has ended at the 99¢ store. Seriously, large condoms are usually $8+ at Rite Aid or CVS. You can get Lifestyles Kyng condoms in the same shiny wrapper that more expensive Magnums come in at a fraction of the price. Big dicked sluts like me have a reason to celebrate!

For the $8 I would have spent at the drug store, I also got:

99¢ mouthwash
99¢ nasal spray
99¢ ibuprofen
99¢ dish soap
99¢ chocolate-covered graham crackers
99¢ picture frame

Bicycle parking in front!

Useful: 3  Funny: 12  Cool: 1

2/5/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Ozu East Kitchen – 1/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Ozu East Kitchen – 1/5 Stars

Ozu East Kitchen – CLOSED
$$ Ramen, Korean, Asian Fusion
3224 Glendale Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90039

I can’t stand a cheat. I complained and got a refund from Groupon after Ozu charged a 20% ‘Groupon service fee’ for using my Groupon here. Ozu – if you want to use Groupon’s advertising and get money from them, then you must be transparent and say that a 20% fee ($4.60 for a $23 meal) is going to be added in the terms. Or add the ‘service fee’ to the $12 for $20 deal you offered. I have used Groupon many, many a times and have never been greeted with a ‘service fee’ for using a Groupon before. If every business just added a ‘service fee’ for someone using Groupon, then it really wouldn’t be worth using, would it?

As for the food and place itself – it was pretty darn good. Pricey, but good. Clearly I would not have rated this place one star as I found it to be a pretty nice place and experience all in all. The employees are nice enough and the food came out fast.

The vegan ramen would have been pretty damn good if it wasn’t for their miso broth. The miso broth for the vegan ramen was incredibly bland, it tasted like a hot umami-flavored water, but its inhabitants were yummy. They had a delicious chili sauce that spiced it up a bit. While the tofu was crisp and delicious, I must agree with the other reviewers that the mushrooms take the cake here. They’re impeccably amazing. They are deliciously plump and have a great texture. The ramen still left me hungry after finishing it, but the portion seemed pretty decent. Not too big or not too small.

It’s located in a beautiful corner building with high ceilings and great minimalist furniture. They have a massive projector playing a sports game. The idea was cooler than its execution, since it was on mute and nobody in there at the time looked like the types that would be into watching a sporting game. But kudos for trying.

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 3

4/24/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: BoltBus – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: BoltBus – 3/5 Stars

BoltBus – CLOSED
Buses
800 N Alameda St
Los Angeles, CA 90012

I am breaking this down to the actual bus experience versus the Groupon experience:

GROUPON: 1 STAR

Bolt Bus has one of the most craptastic systems for redeeming the Groupon. You have to do A LOT of emailing and then a lot of inputting of data in order to redeem the Groupon. I felt like I was really working for that three dollars I saved. They will NOT redeem the Groupon with you over the phone.

Groupon was $21, roundtrip bus without Groupon was $24. They claim the rides are worth $80. I asked myself if it was worth saving $3 to do three or four days worth of work.

Their system for redeeming the Groupon is first to sign up for an account. Okay. Then email their rewards department and let them know that you purchased a Groupon and give them your account information for both Groupon and Bolt Bus. Okay. Don’t forget to email them the 6 or seven digit number from the coupon that’s in your Groupon folder. Okay. Then once the guy on the email gets back to you, it took him two days in my case, he will tell you that your account is credited two rides. Whew, done. Hooray!

NOT SO FAST! The Bolt Bus website is down. I was taken aback. A google search for Bolt Bus Los Angeles comes up with Mega Bus Los Angeles. Weird. I call to double-check they didn’t go out of business in the past 24 hours since I contacted them last. My fear is a business on Groupon unexpectedly going out of business without notice. It’s a legitimate fear, see horror stories (with snarky owner comments) on AQIYL Photography.

No, they’re still riding from Los Angeles. And whew, we’re only halfway done. The site should be back up in less than 12 hours. More instructions after he emails me back!

In order to get these rides credited, set up your bus ride then once you get your roundtrip set up, a popup box appears. Enter 0-0-2 on the bottom right of the popup box in the white form box and over the underscore, but only after clicking on the white form box twice. It won’t work if you click on the white box once because it needs to be input over the ___ underscore, not before it. I didn’t click on the white form box twice and typed in ‘002’ before the ___ underscore appeared. So stupidly, ‘002’ was not properly entered and I purchased another ticket. I had to call them to refund my card.

On the line was a really unfriendly guy speaking in a Southern/African American dialect. He said that I ‘dones’ it wrong and he will reverse the charge card and I would need to redo it. I asked if he could just redeem the Groupon from the phone. “No.” “Okay.” No response back. I waited for about ten or fifteen seconds to see if he would say something else. He didn’t. It was dead on the line. So I hung up. (Bolt Bus, you really should screen your calls or at least make your employees feel like they are!)

I entered ‘002’ over the literal ___ underscore on the white box after clicking on it. I’ve taken and taught Computer Science courses and this was one of the crappiest and least intuitive methods of inputting data I’ve seen on an actual running business. It reminded me of a goofy project that a 19-year-old undergrad Computer Science major who is just learning how to create a form would make in CS 1 to prove that he or she can make something interactive for credit. Type ‘002’ over random underscore to make a smiley face appear or else a frown will appear.

BUS: 5 STARS

I am writing this review on the bus’ wifi right now. The bus is big, fat and shiny and located in the left-hand side of the front of Union Station. It is NOT located where the other busses are at the back. There is no sign, which is disconcerting, but I made a phone call and the lady said it was “across from the Mosaic Apartments on the flat parking lot.” What the hell are the Mosaic apartments? I walk around and see some large apartment complex to the left of Union Station. Ohhhh.

The bus, unlike Megabus, is one story, but the seats are larger and more comfy. The bus is incredibly clean. Like new, perhaps. (This company began running out of Los Angeles 6 months ago.) There are two outlets per seating section, the rest stop is 30 minutes and located in Avenal (not Kettleman City like MegaBus, booo) and consists of one boxed in shopping-gas station complex with a touristy gift shop/bodega, Subway and a taqueria. All in all, this bus is all I could ever ask for.

Sadly, this particular bus stops in San Jose, and then San Francisco, and then Oakland. That is a lot of stops, but there are maybe 20 people on this bus so I guess it would be silly to have a bus dedicated to the one goofball who claims he is going to San Jose.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 0

3/4/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Strommen – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Strommen – 4/5 Stars

Strommen
Tutoring Centers, Language Schools
3171 Los Feliz Blvd. Ste 314
Los Angeles, CA 90039

I really like the Spanish tutor I met from Strømmen. I’ve almost finished my twenty lesson package with him, which is a really good deal at around $30 per hour session. He is incredibly intense, respectful and helpful. I have subsequently enrolled at LACC and have been taking Spanish classes there. I have gotten an A in Spanish 3 because of him and am taking Spanish 4 now and am keeping up. I recommend taking their private tutoring with either a class or a project in mind because the level of intensity is on the students’ court. The hour of tutoring is on theirs.

Anyway, he’s exempt from the rest of this review!

What I don’t like is that I tried since 2016 to take one of the group intermediate/advanced Spanish conversation classes held around the corner from where I live in Los Feliz. They’re -always- booked or simply not offered. I contacted the teacher who was wrapping up the class at the time and told me he’d get back to me after he got back from Argentina and never did. It seems to me like the same people who’ve already taken the conversation course are given priority to enroll in this class over and over again and once it’s full, it’s full.

It’s a shame for them as I enrolled at LACC because of that. I am moving to Spain later this year hopefully. I am very afraid of not being able to speak at the caliber that I can with English. I don’t want to get by on small talk as I hate small talk in English. Lol. So I am trying to have these intellectually articulate conversations with words and ways of speaking that I have no idea how to translate into Spanish! I would shelve $$$ for a class like this due to my lack of confidence if I hadn’t discovered LACC basically offers Spanish conversation classes every semester that I can take for free as an LA resident.

They have a tiny office in Los Feliz/Atwater and they’re physically there. They respond back promptly. They’ve got some good tutors in my experience but they need to give priority to new people for the group conversation classes!

Useful: 12 Funny: 2 Cool: 2

2/14/2018

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: El Adobe Market – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: El Adobe Market – 4/5 Stars

El Adobe Market
$ Grocery, Beer, Wine & Spirits
5203 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027

This awful bodega is iconic! El Adobe Market is the place most famously known as the location of the occult shop for The Craft in 1996. It was filmed at the shopping center and inside the space at the left of actual market (5205 Hollywood Blvd.) The spaces to the left of the market, the stairwell to secondary spaces all used to all be El Adobe Market back in the 1920s. Back then the central building where the current El Adobe Market is located didn’t exist but the peripheral building did. It was all called “El Adobe.”

The actual El Adobe Market building was built sometime later in the 1930s or 1940s. It offered a delicatessen/carniceria and panaderia/bakery. El Adobe Market is featured in this book about the history of drive-ins and supermarkets in early Los Angeles as being one of the first places to offer a commercial shopping center – a place where people can park their old-fashioned cars in the parking lot of the shopping center rather than on the street.

Sometime in the 1970s or 1980s – way before Fairuza Balk and Neve Campbell walked through the shopping center to the occult store on The Craft, this place was separated into a ton of other stores and private spaces. One of the spaces includes a recording studio dubbed “Hollywood’s only complete recording center” by the late founder and owner of Capitol Records Glenn Wallichs who made off-the-air test recordings of George Burns, Gracie Allen, Jack Benny and Bob Hope back in the day here. The recording studio and occult store were located where the stairwell leads to, but unfortunately it is all gated, closed off and covered and sadly left in a kind of derelict condition.

Honestly, when I saw The Craft the other day, the El Adobe Market shopping center looks virtually the same in 1996 as it does in 2016. El Adobe Market has at some point in the late 20th century gotten rid of their delicatessen and bakery and turned into just-another-bodega offering over-priced $3 bottles of water, lots of alcohol and run-of-the-mill AMPM types of snacks with no prices listed. I don’t blame those who give El Adobe Market one or two star reviews. This place is terrible and reminds me of a pit stop in Kettleman City en route to San Francisco! Unfortunately for me, I live 100 feet away from it and only ever go here if I’m out of laundry quarters to buy a popsicle and make change. It’s a shame that the owners don’t spruce it up or make those ceramic parking lot tiles shine as they once did in the 1930s (see pictures). But I appreciate that it offers an amazingly colorful 90-year-old history.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 7

6/8/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Dara Spa – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Dara Spa – 4/5 Stars

Dara Spa
$$ Day Spas
4369 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029

What I loved about this place includes the time that they take to put into working on a massage. I believe most other places shave about 5-10 minutes from the hour massage, but not them. An hour’s massage being one hour is an understatement here! I think mine was closer to 80 minutes long. Don’t come here if crunched on time.

The guy who does massages here is legitimately good. His was one of the best massages I’ve ever gotten anywhere. They have a piece of paper, which you fill out check boxes; one section is how hard do you want the massage to be:

[ ] light pressure [ x ] medium pressure [ ] hard pressure (+$10)

Since hard pressure is a ten dollar charge, I chose medium. And I can’t imagine that massage having any harder pressure than I had gotten. He’s got a lot of stamina and really turned my body into a pretzel.

If it weren’t for the off-putting way in which I was able to get a massage, I would have given Dara Spa five stars. This was the first time I felt ‘Groupon shamed’ for presenting a Groupon! I know they’ve been on that site for a long time and I had basically gone to every other inexpensive massage place in the area except theirs.

For some weird reason when I came in saying I had a Groupon and asked about getting a massage, they quickly announced that there are no same day appointments available for those with Groupons. Why tell me that?! Just say there are no appointments available that day. I got huffy and said that ‘same day appointments not available’ was not on the Groupon terms but I made an appointment for the next day and left.

I was a block away on Heliotrope when the owner called me. She said that they’ll make a special exception with me and squeeze me in that day. I was the only person there. The owner oddly looked up the time of when I purchased the Groupon and then told me that I didn’t have to burden myself purchasing a Groupon right before I came in, as they would have given me the same price as the Groupon offer.

Well maybe your intrusiveness will work in the future because the massage was amazing BUT Groupon was offering a 25% off additional discount, so it was $26 instead of $35, which your investigation did not pan out.

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 3

11/27/2017

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sunset Marquis Hotel – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sunset Marquis Hotel – 2/5 Stars

Sunset Marquis
$$$ Hotels
1200 Alta Loma Rd
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Forty years ago – back when it was a divey Sunset Marquis with a dirty astroturf-surrounded pool, people took pictures of their hedonistic rock star friends passed out on their plastic patio furniture.

Sometime in the recent past, the folks who brought you heavily manicured gated apartment complexes purchased this hotel and gave it a kind of Floridian lawn in the jungle kind of vibe. IT IS REALLY FITTING FOR THE AREA! I mean – jesus – even with the lush green and secluded tropical plant-lined paths, you cannot really forget you are in drought-stricken Los Angeles. Look upwards into the sky and you’ll find high-rises under construction voraciously towering the nearby area. Maybe if everything withers away when the water runs out, and the two pools dry out, you’ll find the aura, a semblance, of the cool rock star hotel that the books found in each of the hotel rooms and the art gallery in front is trying to push about this dump.

When I was staying in the hotel with a friend, it was so air-conditioned and the grey cubicle kind of rooms that exude the near colorless gradient of the innards of an empty seashell gave me a kind of sobering headache. My friend kept pushing me to look at the book – look at the book! The heavy table book contained pictures of Joe Strummer, Joan Jett and Bob Marley in the 70s, back when this place seemed to hold a kind of edgy vibrance about it. It’s strange in a way because what’s cool about this place can only be found in ‘the book’ and in their art gallery. Everything else is now clean, hidden, pool and $6 toasted bagels at their breakfast place.

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 6

8/26/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Au Lac – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Au Lac – 5/5 Stars

Au Lac
$$ Vietnamese, Vegan, Live/Raw Food
16563 Brookhurst St
Fountain Valley, CA 92708

Au Lac is delicious, depending on what you eat here. I would argue the Vietnamese food, specifically their soy fish, is their specialty because it tastes outstanding.

The Spicy Soy Fish with Lemongrass is grilled and has a very soft consistency with the added spice. The lime and lemongrass seasonings worked really, really well with the food. I’ve never eaten a more plausible soy fish entree on its own before. The tofu and tomato soup with dill was very good but less hearty than what I expected from tomato soup. The broth isn’t thick, like most tomato soups I’m accustomed to.

The Chinese cuisine wanes in comparison. The Kung Pao Chicken was average at best. The chicken and the sauce are okay but it tastes as good as takeout at Stix. I wasn’t impressed at all. I’m honestly not even sure why I would order Chinese food at a predominantly Vietnamese restaurant. What can I say? I was naive.

Vegans beware: if you’re set on ordering spring rolls; or a few of the veggie chicken, beef, and seafood options here, you’ll be disappointed to learn they have whey. Although Au Lac has a delicious raw vegan menu, the actual vegetarian menu does not specifically list which “egg-free” foods aren’t vegan. This becomes difficult for strict vegans to choose when about 1/4 of the menu may have whey protein in it. In a histrionic way, that’s like stepping on a landmine if you innocently choose one of the 27 non-vegan options! Fortunately, the servers know which foods have what. Their online menu also lists which foods contain whey.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 5

10/26/2007

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Robert Half – 1/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Robert Half – 1/5 Stars

Robert Half
Employment Agencies
865 S Figueroa St
Los Angeles, CA 90017

This review is based on the response back: I didn’t get one. I submitted a form detailing my information to Robert Half Technology a month ago. I called them a few days later. A receptionist answered and directed me to a voicemail box with a number. I left a message.

I waited.

A week later, I get a generic email back, acknowledging a response. I called them a few days later. A receptionist answered again, the same one, and directed me to a voicemail box with the same number. “You’ve reached box 34567. Leave a message, beep.” I left a message.

I waited, am waiting.

Maybe I should be impressed that their voicemail box wasn’t full?

“So hi Robert Half. Yeah I have a grad school background and I got such a useless doctorate in a Computer Science department that I can’t even get a call back from any of you asswipes.”

Maybe Robert Half Technology should nix the voicemail to nowhere and staff more people internally rather than externally. A rejection is at least more respectable than a lack of one.

And the fucking voicemail: the voicemail to nowhere is pathetic, pathetic, PATHETIC! Besides, what an outdated mode of communication to impart for a sector that specializes in TECHNOLOGY, leave a voicemail – 34567 might get back to you.

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 2

11/2/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Monty’s Good Burger (and Owner Response) – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Monty’s Good Burger (and Owner Response) – 3/5 Stars

Monty’s Good Burger
$$ Burgers, Vegan, Fast Food
516 S Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90020

3.5 Stars!

The basic vegan burger was an incredible vegan burger but every fiber of my being can’t reconcile paying $11 for a burger that’s served by itself around a piece of paper. I’ve had vegan burgers from all over the world, and this is something I would expect paying $6-8 or perhaps barely more than $10 with fries or something else thrown in for the price tag. I came here expecting that it included the fries or tater tots. Oh no. God no! Those are $4 extra. (I was speechless looking at a $16 price tag with tax on the total!) I had a really awkward interaction with the guy who was putting in my order until I realized that I was the one who was being a completely confused entitled crazy person.

I have a hopeful feeling that a lot of the price goes to a living wage for all of the workers and it’s not just the pretension of the expensive quality ingredients of the lettuce, for example. But living wage or not, it’s NOT the living wager’s burger! If you’re not working at a cushy PR firm and willing to pay for it, it IS worth trying! What made this burger special was how the patty was so finely grilled and moist, and the cheese was gooey soft, that it tasted incredible around their soft potato bun. It was probably one of the ‘closest to the real thing’ type of vegan burgers I’ve ever tried that could be comparable to a good fast food restaurant’s burger. You have to have the technological innovation in fake meat preparation to get a patty to taste like this. And the one hopeful thing to me is that in five years, there will be a lot more (and cheaper) burgers like just like theirs. This is not to devalue this burger I enjoyed, however, because there is definitely a skill in grilling a burger to taste like this.

Finally, the sauce! I sort of did the Free Sauce Yelp Check-In wrong, and felt really embarrassed because I ended up getting a side sauce I probably wasn’t entitled to. I got to try the garlic aioli inside the burger and the ranch dressing as a ‘dip’ outside of it. I could hardly taste the garlic aioli at all inside of the burger and tasted no different than the ranch, which kind of bummed me out. So I am not sure if it was garlic aioli that was put into the burger. Or if I was confused yet again. And I am taking into consideration that this garlic aioli is apparently a house favorite according to the guy who I was talking to. So I was hoping for a punch of garlic. Nevertheless, if there is a next time, I need to not be confused and get more garlic aioli sauce.

Useful: 15  Funny:Cool: 6

8/28/2018

Owner Response:

Chris,

Im sorry about your lackluster experience at Monty’s. I assure you that your review and thoughts are very meaningful to us.

First off, send me your email address so I can refund your money through PayPal. We do not want anyone to be unsatisfied with the food, service or concept.

Pricing…. we know it’s expensive. It’s by design. We start our staff at $15/hour, use only compostable products and source our produce within 30 miles. Except for the cookies that come from Phoenix. The impossible patties cost 6x any other vegan option. Although you may know of and like other products more, we have specifically chosen Impossible based on the alignment of our mission to get meat eaters to consume less real meat.
We absolutely know that the pricing is not for everyone. As the impossle pricing comes down, we will adjust accordingly. But for now, our costs are extremely high.

These are not excuses or reason to say that your opinion doesn’t matter. It matters and we listen and learn from every review we read.

Again, I’m sorry you had a bad experience and hope this info gives you a bit more background.

Thank you for reading,

Barry

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Turo (Formerly RelayRides) 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Turo (Formerly RelayRides) 2/5 Stars

Turo (Formerly RelayRides)
Car Rental, Car Share Services
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Relay Rides is great if you’re looking for a long-term car rental. But beware! They’re less enthusiastic about short-term car rentals.

I live a half-mile radius (Hollywood/Western) of 15 cars that require at least 5 days for car rentals and there is no way to filter this annoyance out through the app. Basically I live near a couple of douchey people who make a living by offering ‘their’ fleet of Priuses for a minimum of 5 to 7 days. Once again, there is absolutely NO way to filter these asshats out through the search function on the app. So if you want to connect to renters who offer only day rentals, like going to Laguna from Los Angeles for a day excursion, happy weeding.

I emailed RelayRides about it and their customer support person Wendy writes back to me a confusing sentence with grammatical and spelling errors after an automated “Thank you for contacting RelayRides!”:

“many of the vehicles listed the owner’s do not have a minimum time that you would need to rent the vehicle.”

So great, I take the time to write to customer support and they basically dismiss my message in broken English and tell me that no there are many short-term options. Not helpful. I doubt they forwarded this message I sent to management after I asked them to, so I’ll use Yelp and write it in caps lock:

PLEASE CREATE A FILTER FOR FINDING SHORT-TERM RENTALS ON THE APP! There is an option for finding long-term car rentals. Why not short-term car rentals?

Useful: 11  Funny:Cool: 2

6/25/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Revolution Books/Libros Revolucion – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Revolution Books/Libros Revolucion – 3/5 Stars

Revolution Books/Libros Revolucion – CLOSED
$ Bookstores
220 Glendale Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

My experience with Revolution Books was strange. I appreciate the aim of this place but the damn emphasis on some dude I have never heard of before, apparently a leader and speaker for the ‘Revolutionary Communist Party’ named Bob Avakian, is too ‘dear leader’ for me. I assume he must fund this bookstore/info shop, which offers a scant (mildly put) selection of critical books; it is not an Adorno or Jameson kind of bookstore.

I walk in, having passed this place on my bike hundreds of times, and am greeted and go towards the right, which includes maybe five bookcases of shelves. Very empty. Although I’m impressed that they dedicate about one of these shelves to Spanish speakers in a patronizing ‘good for them’ white person kind of way, there was nothing I found interesting. They have a lot of Margaret Atwood books and have a critical Handmaid’s Tail reading group, which made my partner extremely excited to hear about.

One of the two wimmin (I’m trying to sound earnest) who were standing in front, asked me if I heard about this film screening they apparently sponsored the other night. I said I didn’t. She said ‘oh, you must listen to Bob Avakian speak!’ Um, okay. She guided me to a DVD player with headphones connected to it. It was sitting isolated in the middle of the room. She asked me which section of this Bob Avakian speech collection I would like to listen to. I chose #3, which I can’t remember what it was about now but apparently that DVD was lost. Um, okay. So I chose #5.

I nearly died inside as they were standing there watching me as I watched this DVD film of him speak. I don’t remember anything he said but he certainly was a fluid sounding speaker and I’m certain he made good points. But I was still in the fog of having come back from the Hollywood Farmers Market and not totally ready to take anything in. And they were fucking looking at me as I watched this.

I took the headphones off. They then, still facing me, stood next to each other and asked me about what I thought of the film. I think they wanted me to say something about how outraged I am about the state of affairs of this country. I didn’t want them to probe me so I mustered up something about having never heard of Bob Avakian. ‘Interesting’ was interjected somewhere in my comments. I signed up for their mailing list and gave them a dollar for their newsletter and left.

Apparently when you sign up for a list, they sign you up on MULTIPLE lists. I was signed up for a magazine and their general email, which they only send you two or three emails a day for. Oh, and if you give them your number, they WILL call you! If you find phone calls from strangers intrusive, do not leave your number! I repeat: do NOT leave your number! But if you love personal phone calls from numbers you are not familiar with, then please by all means leave your number here!

About two weeks later, I received a personal call from them. I didn’t answer it and they left a voicemail about a revolution BBQ. Hello Chris. We are holding an event, donation is such and such. Bring your friends. Two weeks after that, I get another call from them: Hello Chris. We hope you are appalled as we are about the ATROCITY (impressive emphasis) of Trevon Martin’s court ruling. Please call us back if you agree.

Oh, I agree. But I am not calling back.

Useful: 10  Funny:Cool: 2

10/7/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sweeney Todd’s Barber Shop – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sweeney Todd’s Barber Shop – 2/5 Stars

Sweeney Todd’s Barber Shop
$$ Barbers
4639 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027

I got a haircut here over a year ago. The experience here still sort of pinches my memory.

First, the idea of a half-century old barber shop is so cute. Big old-fashioned chairs and tables and men with conservative short brown haircuts line this store. If men with short brown haircuts are having homosexual sex with each other here, it is behind the backdoor where the door is kept closed and never spoken about or mentioned again. Aw, 1950s.

That’s where it ends. It took me almost an hour to get my haircut. Not because it was particularly busy, but because the guy who chose to do my hair decided to take a long break after seating me in the chair. After telling me to get up on the chair, he went outside to take a call on his cell phone. It took him five minutes to do this. He came back inside and saw that the garbage needed to be taken out, so he did this and was gone again, for almost another ten minutes. Maybe he WAS having homosexual sex. Before he even came back, a guy who was seated in another barber chair after me was already finished with his haircut by another guy who took him and left.

I felt like I was having a sit-in without being black. I was almost about to get up from the chair and leave when he finally came in. Okay, yeah, I should NOT ask for point-cutting or razor cutting in a 1940s/1950s-style barber shop so I didn’t. I described to him what I wanted as if I was role-playing being Jack Kerouac at a barber shop or something. But it felt more lame than cool.

He said, “I’m gonna give you some jags.”

“Jags” seemed to describe exactly what I wanted without saying something gay and modern like point-cutting. He took the scissors, swooped them upwards into my bangs, four or five times. He cut my hair efficiently fast. I was done in no time, certainly in less time than having waited in the big barber chair.

All in all, I’m glad I had the experience of coming here than the experience in itself. I believe the 1950s is best left in the 1950s. It is a very niche barber shop for the conservative-haired man!

Useful: 11  Funny:Cool: 0

4/19/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Health Net – 1/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Health Net – 1/5 Stars

Health Net
Insurance
21281 Burbank Blvd
Woodland Hills, CA 91367

It’s like this, you sign up for poor people health care. They have two options to which insures your poor person health care: Health Net or the LA one. They both don’t sound great but Health Net seems to have more closer options. Fine. I signed up. It was easy, and I received a welcome letter from Health Net.

Somehow a few months after that – I find a ton of Health Net advertisements. Like, almost as regularly as seeing ‘Got Milk?’ was in the 90s. Instead of getting better doctors or making healthcare more affordable, the money being sent to them is helping make home video fails (guy falling off trampoline) for their YouTube ‘when accidents happen, Heath Net is on your side!’ advertisements. Or the old-fashioned way – plastered advertisements at every bus stop from Santa Monica to Sunset in Los Angeles. This has been throughout the year.

So my questions are:

Why are you advertising?
Where are you getting all of this advertising money from?
Could this advertising money made a difference to thousands of people if you didn’t spend it on advertising a video of a guy falling off a trampoline?

This is insane ostentation. I feel like I should have stuck to the LA option if money that’s supposed to be going for my healthcare is being funneled out to make stupid advertisements. Perhaps in a more nicely Republican way – the generous CEOS are allowing for a reduction in their yearly raises to fund these cute advertisements for great healthcare insurance. I mean it’s not like there are a plethora of options for health care insurance for people like me – two checkboxes.

It’s a disgusting display of how much money Health Net – and more broadly insurance companies – have on their hands to throw around. I honestly hope to see them shut down within my lifetime.

Useful: 14  Funny:Cool: 2

11/7/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Los Angeles LGBT Center – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Los Angeles LGBT Center – 2/5 Stars

Los Angeles LGBT Center
Community Service/Non-Profit
1625 Schrader Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

The LGBT Center is exploding with bureaucracy. They seem to hire people just to further cloud up the gray-areas between departments. If I can give one helpful tip, it is to know your doctor’s email address. It will be the letter of their first name followed by their last name @lalgbtcenter.org. It will save you from A LOT of bureaucratic nonsense from reception.

I once had to get a signature from my doctor who knew I was coming back from the prior day. I went to reception who said it was impossible to get since I didn’t have an appointment and they can’t accept documents or put them into the doctor’s mailbox. But “I can set you up with a social worker next Tuesday.” WTF. I went online to find out what my doctor’s email address was and they got back to me within ten minutes. I had to go around reception and hand it off.

If you don’t email but need to get in contact without an appointment, good luck. You’ve got to deal with a reception staff who will be as helpful as bouncers at a busy Hollywood nightclub. It seems that the LGBT Center management encourages them to practice a kind of TSA-style fascism and treat everyone as if they’re broke junkies who change home addresses by the night and are looking for free drugs from the benevolent LGBT Center. If you can’t wait for a doctor’s appointment in two months, you can get an appointment with a social worker in one week! Yay. The line is slow because they are required to ask for your full address, name, and date of birth every time you see one of them. Every appointment takes a month to few months to get. If you have an appointment that requires a follow-up, you will be asked the same questions before and after that appointment.

Just last week I was here trying to check in at 9am. I had to wait for the receptionist to finish with a patient’s long request to check me in. About ten minutes into it, the transwoman who sits all the way to the left comes in. She stands up from her desk and looks at me, so I walk over.

Transwoman: OH MY GOD I DID NOT CALL YOU. I AM NOT OPEN YET!

(Another five minutes later. Line literally grew from just me to 20 people while she just sat there.)

Dude with a desk: (Opens door and walks out of adjacent office.) Follow me.

Me: Hi, I just want to check in.

Dude with a desk: SIT DOWN. What is your address?

Me: 5217 Hollywood Blvd. I just want to check in.

Dude with a desk: (Ignores request.) What is your last name? Is this your first time here?

My sister worked as a receptionist for a medical center and once told me that reception marks your chart indicating if the patient is a troublemaker. I probably have a ton of marks on my damn chart because I have the misfortune of having trouble on every floor with TSA-like reception and staff. I can’t help it. I mentioned Floor 3’s reception. Ground Level – A pharmacy receptionist, an older hispanic woman, just in this past week rejected my signature because my signature “looks too much like a line” after the credit card machine prompted me if I want any help. No. Just in case if I changed my mind, she yells, “PHARMACIST!” “Hi, do you have any questions?” No. Floor 4 – A year ago, a receptionist flipped out because I knocked on the window after she looked at me waiting to check in, only to physically turn around to finish her conversation about what she was going to have for lunch with her coworker.

My partner’s appointment was cancelled because the LGBT Center had a power failure in their building and he was scheduled for a financial screening. While management sits with their hands on their butt, reception staff have no other protocol than to act as if it was his fault and he cancelled that appointment. Reception told him that his only option was to come in the morning and be on call, otherwise rescheduling will take months.

The departments don’t have access to each others’ files so you have to fill out all your info separately for each department. Rather than centralizing information, like with iPads, everything runs through 1990s Filemaker-like programs. Each department has their own server and only have access to their own set of files. Nobody from any department has any idea what the other department is up to so they yoyo you back to reception. If you need a job, management loves hiring new people to take care of what they don’t know. This place is too big for its own good and it would run way more efficiently with self check-in iPads and a centralized database.

All in all:

  1. RECEPTION SUCKS HERE! LGBT Center needs an easier way for people checking in, scheduling appointments and updating personal info. Once again get iPads instead of more staff and create a centralized database. Concentrate on those who need help getting in contact with their doctors instead of interrogating everyone before they check in.
  2. Need departments to communicate with each other.
  3. Need to take responsibility for canceling appointments.
  4. Fucking transparency and less bureaucracy.

Useful: 12  Funny:Cool: 3

4/21/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Daily Donuts – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Daily Donuts – 2/5 Stars

Daily Donuts
$ Donuts
1908 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

For anyone referencing vegan donuts in LA – the donuts here are not vegan and never were vegan!

When I did a search for vegan donuts, this place kept appearing because ‘A T.’ wrote a review in 2011 claiming that the glaze donuts are vegan because they don’t use egg in them. Apparently that is untrue – one of the workers flatly told me this week that the mix they use for all of the donuts is the same and already has egg in them.

I would have loved giving myself an excuse for biking up that hill to get here but they’re not just sugar and oil! I am not sure why s/he didn’t get sick from eating donuts with dairy in them, but don’t use that as a litmus test for judging the ingredients!

The place itself is low-key, kind of attractive yet grimy greasy spoon quality about it.

Read my lips:
No
Vegan
Donuts

Useful: 19 Funny: 2 Cool: 2

8/13/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: India’s Restaurant – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: India’s Restaurant – 5/5 Stars

India’s Restaurant
$$ Indian, Halal, Seafood
4366 Fountain Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029

Purchased a Yelp Deal

Omnivores, please stop mentioning restaurants having vegetarian options that you didn’t actually order. Yelp is dumb and basically highlights the input from the search function if it finds any word that says vegetarian in a search. So nine out of ten of my highlighted search results for vegetarian or vegan go something like this:

Goofus M: 5/5

This meat masala is SOOO good, mmmm the tenderness of their juicy chicken titillates my tongue, oh and the fresh meatball-textured kofta is like a hot spicy ball of blood in my mouth, oh yes and the seafood salad, YES!!! Reminds me of being on the fucking Ramganga River in India eating these HUGE fresh catfish we caught last year. OH GOD YES their meat is soooo tender, meat blah blah blah blah, they appear to have vegetarian options too.

Duh. We are in LA so there are vegetarian options everywhere. Everywhere. Unless some restaurant is culturally on Mars, there is something a little more hearty than salad offered. Please, it is not necessary to add the caveat of there are vegetarian items that you didn’t try on the menu! Nobody, especially a vegetarian, cares to read about the vegetarian items that you saw but didn’t try. It adds nothing to the review of the titillating meat dish you did eat. And your meat reviews are probably less interesting than the example I conjured up.

Okay, with that being out of my system, I came here for dinner thanks to a Yelp deal. I had something amazing, very spicy, freshly prepared, and dun dun dun is not only vegetarian, it’s vegan. First we got the alu (vegetable) samosas, there were two that were made with potatoes, peas and vegetables that were served with an incredible mint chutney that tasted like it was blended and made to order. I actually enjoyed the chutney more than the samosas, which I was surprised by. The Baingan Bharta (roasted eggplant curry) is bangin’ good. The eggplant is freshly roasted and prepared perfectly with spices; and has an incredible texture that went perfectly with the vegetable biryani. The vegetables in the biryani were also very fresh. My partner had the malai kofta, which was I hear was also very good.

All in all: this is a great place. The furniture was nicely spaced out and served a perfect intimate setting for Los Angeles. The service was attentive. The server tried to engage us in a conversation with awkward consequences but at least he tried. He threw himself into a whirlwind of a weird existential conversation we were having and opened the door for us before we left.

Useful: 13  Funny:Cool: 3

2/18/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Lassens Natural Foods & Vitamins – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Lassens Natural Foods & Vitamins – 2/5 Stars

Lassens Natural Foods & Vitamins
$$ Vitamins & Supplements, Organic Stores, Delis
1631 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

The $9.99 Only Store is like an open dumpster of Whole Foods day-olds and haters are gonna hate an organic store with prices as high as imports shipped off the coast of a tiny island in the Maldives.

This building was supposed to turn into a Fresh & Easy, but instead of a Fresh & Easy, Echo Park has gotten an Old & Hard. The salad bar and pre-made items look like they sit around for hours, even with a lot of foot traffic around them, because not many others besides myself can swallow purchasing a container filled with something that would be more expensive than dining out at Sage Organic Vegan across the street. I have walked around this store at least twice in a stupor desperately looking to purchase something that I felt wouldn’t be ripping me off.

I don’t think they expect people to buy much here. But for those who do, Lassens seem to not so humbly ask those who can afford the $3 to $5 price inflation to give back to the community. Hopefully this will be made in good health, rather than in the form of another $30,000 donation to help fight gay marriage by Prop 8-supporting and gayby-fearing Mr. and Mrs. Lassen.

It’s an extraordinary store, if by what I mean by extraordinary is that it probably is going to quickly outgrow itself with high prices like these and replace their ugly wood laminate floors with gold laminate bricks.

Useful: 16  Funny:Cool: 7

1/26/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: LA iPhone Repair, iPad & Unlock – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: LA iPhone Repair, iPad & Unlock – 2/5 Stars

LA iPhone Repair, iPad & Unlock
Mobile Phone Repair
7218 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046

They couldn’t help me out. In fact they blamed me for the problem! It was a stripped screw, which kept them from removing a broken phone screen.

I came in with the broken screen in my hand. The first thing the younger guy says to me is, “oh my god, you’re bleeding! Did you get into an accident?!” He saw the red ink on my tattoos. Unfortunately that was the best thing I heard all day and things quickly went downhill from there.

About fifteen minutes after they tried desperately to remove the screen. The older guy said something along the lines that someone stripped the screw on this phone, it wasn’t them and there is nothing that they can do about it. He hands back the phone with one screw out and the stripped screw stuck in it. I was pissed off.

I called Cheapest iPhone Repair Shop downtown and told them about the stripped screw. They said it was easy to get the broken screen out, just break open the broken screen and remove it that way. It made sense. Cheapest iPhone Repair was surprised that the repair shop I went to couldn’t help me out and asked me about who couldn’t remove the stripped screw. I said this place on Melrose. The guy on the phone was not surprised.

I went halfway around town and brought the phone over there and they fixed it within 15 minutes.

Useful: 20  Funny:Cool: 10

11/14/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Akbar – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Akbar – 5/5 Stars

Akbar
$ Gay Bars
4356 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90029

Hey Chris, this is my sister!
Hey Chris, this is my neighbor!
Hey Chris, this is my friend from Australia!
Hey Chris, this is someone that you don’t want to meet but I am introducing to you anyway!

Aaakh-bar, how I crawl into a hole during any social event I’ve ever gone to in my 20s and beginning in my 30s, except for the very few that I could honestly say that I ‘come out of my shell’ – and it usually involves me dancing a lot on your dance floor.

I am so socially antisocial (or antisocially social) that somehow I make friends. I not only love the divey vibe of Akbar, I PREFER the divey vibe, and the clientele are cool in my book. I don’t have to feel bad that I usually look scruffy, unpolished, have long hair, wear canvas shoes, smell like my bicycle, don’t shave the hair off the top of my tattoos often enough… because I know someone is always going to be hairier here.

I bike to you more than any other bar I go to. Surprisingly, considering this is the wicked gay hipster bar of the East, the bicycle racks are usually vacant. And somehow Aaakh-bar, I leave in a better mood than any other bar I ever go to. And I don’t even drink any of your boozy booze. It’s all dance floor here.

Useful:Funny: 13  Cool: 3

2/12/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Zen Center San Francisco – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Zen Center San Francisco – 2/5 Stars

Zen Center San Francisco
$$ Bookstores, Community Service/Non-Profit
300 Page St
San Francisco, CA 94102

Rules for being Zen:

  1. Shave your head.

  2. Wear black.

  3. Act like you’re on Adderall or Ritalin. If you don’t know how to do this, just talk in a monotone voice.

  4. When upset, explain to visitors passively that they did something wrong without saying so.

Example: When someone takes someone else’s cut bananas that they left behind in a kitchen, tell them in a monotone voice that they took Suzanne’s cut bananas and mention her name, to shame them.

  1. Be over 40, otherwise people will seriously doubt your commitment.

~~~

My friend who is over 40 and has existential issues had paid a couple of hundred dollars for us stay at the Zen Center for two nights for a film he was doing. This is the second time I’ve been here, first time I have actually ever stayed here. I tried meditating here the first time I visited and thought nothing of it. Actually staying here was the most pretentiously unpretentious load of crap I have ever done.

The best way to describe staying at this place is in sadomasochistic terms: self-flagellation. If the idea of sitting by yourself in a dim room for hours and having a circle jerk with god is not enlightening enough, you are living as if you were in the 1910s. The only electricity that is used here is for lights. It even looks like the 1910s; the antique showers look like they haven’t been cleaned since King George V reigned England.

If you are a layperson who is not 40+ and who does not seek atonement and who finds himself or herself in the conundrum of staying here, recognize that you will be staying in a convent. No shoes are allowed in most of the rooms; the hallways smell like the sweaty shoes that are left in front of the doors. No talking. No alcohol. No caffeine. No meat. Walk slowly. No entering rooms without permission. Mind your manners. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. RESPECT. Respect the walls. Respect the floor. Respect the doors. Respect the ceiling. Respect the grime on the showers.

I am vegan, self-aware and live quite an ascetic lifestyle without the convent. The rules imposed on me in this place make me want to rebel and become a meat-eating barfly who yells at sports games on television. Staying at this place was anything but calming for me. I felt like I was making the most out of being in cultural rehab. It felt like the people staying here are/were almost exclusively white upper middle class people with catholic or jewish guilt and who wanted to institutionalize themselves in order to make atonement for once being assholes. The vegan food they make is probably the best part of the stay but you have to sit in a communal gathering, look at the table and not talk. Very spiritual stuff. Rule #742: you cannot talk during breakfast or dinner time except if re-reminding someone that they took Suzanne’s cut bananas.

Mostly it felt phony. I understand the non-consumerist principles of Zen but find the entirety of this building to carry the pretensions of a hardcore foosball training center with mats instead of tables. If foosball were a sacred and lifelong pursuit, and the little wooden players were the deities, then you have Zen Buddhism. I suppose San Francisco would be such a city to have a place of willing deprivation one could work at, but the experience here is like living in a more posh equivalent of rural Tibet with the cultural milieu of San Francisco. The last night I sat at the table with the higher and older nobles who were in different colored, more ornate robes than everyone else to see if they would scoff or say something regarding someone of a lower spiritual order sitting at their table. Of course they did not but the silence was deafening and it made for a hilariously awkward end to my stay.

Useful:Funny: 10  Cool: 4

12/9/2012

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Otis College of Art and Design – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Otis College of Art and Design – 5/5 Stars

Otis College of Art and Design
Colleges & Universities, Art Schools, Art Classes
9045 Lincoln Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90045

Only in LA does an extrovert make it big from her days in art school.

Her name is Madison and she unremittingly posts on Facebook every picture she has ever (seriously, ever) taken at shindigs that are uniquely Otis. Ah, art school. You are so different from Art School Confidential because your students are not as competitive but your students are very quixotic in creative assignments. And they work very very hard.

“I photograph urban decay.”

“And LA.”

“And…”

Madison loves the population. The photos could be compared to Nan Goldin if they were extracted from their reference and considered artistic. But since they are referential, the photos become rather jejune and sentimental yet to give the photographer credit – what I find fascinating is how these art school student minions in photographs become their own caricatures as apartment parties evolve.

The fact that Madison’s caricatures look like fluorescent coquettes on canvas secluded at an art student apartment party made their presence rather expected, while it would’ve been amazing to see the party taken out of context in the middle of downtown LA during the morning rush hour. Fine Art giclee entitled: “Art Students on Performative Rampage One” edition 4/100.

Art students partying at an isolated apartment from the rest of the Los Angeles is kind of what makes Otis, Otis. The community here only seems quiet but there’s that underlying familiarity between the few hundred people who attend this private college full-time. Every art school has the quintessential cute boy artist, the lesbian with dreads, the 40-year-old Wendy Pepper who plays by the rules and the crazy alcoholic. These people will continue to party in private and work harder than everyone else will ever give them credit for.

It’s hard work to be a serious artist and not be reprimanded by it. The hours of labor and hard work put into that amazon gown or mixed media painting could inevitably be overshadowed by the seemingly thoughtless pictures on Madison’s Facebook because art students can’t party without succumbing to the stereotype as hedonistic and lazy.

Ignore the presumptions about laziness and hedonism; and one day go to student night at LACMA and appreciate that impractical amazon gown by a soon-to-be-famous art student on Madison’s photo album. The undergraduates are the community and I appreciate that as one of 20 graduate students here.

Useful: 11  Funny: 14  Cool: 10

3/2/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Portfolio Coffeehouse – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Portfolio Coffeehouse – 3/5 Stars

Portfolio Coffeehouse
$ Coffee & Tea, Cafes
2300 E 4th St
Long Beach, CA 90814

ROTD 5/12/2008 (Review Of The Day for Orange County)

I have been rubbed the wrong way by Portfolio. A fifty cent charge for “no ice”? That’s so ridiculous, that I am kind of confused as to how they could even justify their stance without a finding bunch of holes to the idea of charging more for something less.

Man, I am so rubbed the wrong way. My knee-jerk reaction is to confront someone while I am peeved, but I will wait until I calm down.

ICE, and how we Americans love ice, melts in drinks fast that are meant to be drank slowly like teas. I never ever could drink iced coffees or teas because they would turn watery at the bottom. It’s gross.

ICE, and lots of it, is a phenomenon only here. The few places in Europe that do serve ice, serve three cubes in the drink at most.

The ICE acts as a buffer to giving away too much drink? If the extra few ounces of drink is what is worth fifty cents more, then give a few ounces less of the drink. It’s ridiculous to charge 25% more for something that could easily be tossed away or spilled on the counter.

Man, this is so ridiculous that I am ashamed at myself for ranting about an extra fitty cents but it’s the principle of having a voice against something that I believe is utterly stupid.

The casual yet edgy atmosphere of Portfolio’s is a four star coffee shop with an aforementioned one star flaw.

This lively coffeeshop is known for their long successful interaction with the local artist community. Portfolio’s has a distinct vibe as being community-oriented; there is no plausible definition for “hipster” (as my friend said, people who describe hipsters are usually describing themselves) so I won’t go there.

Paintings by community college surrealists and neo-baroque townies line the wall. And their weekly Wednesday open mic night starts at 9 p.m. sharp. You must sign up when the clipboard’s out at 9 p.m. or else the punk rock girl will deny you. They aren’t pulling your leg when they say it’s open mic either. Can I have that with no ice?

Useful: 18  Funny: 18  Cool: 14

3/15/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Echo Park Lake – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Echo Park Lake – 5/5 Stars

Echo Park Lake 
Parks
751 Echo Park Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Everyone I know who has lived in Echo Park all their lives are convinced that this lake will fall into a state of slumness in no time.

As I write this review laying on the lush green grass at 6:30 p.m. in the setting July sun, I look in front of me and see two heavyset guys consectively doing ‘girl’ pushups together. I look behind me and see five bicycles stacked against a palm tree with a guy in dreadlocks playing with his friend’s bike bell. I see expensive dogs with good posture on harnesses everywhere and well-behaved children skating well within the sidewalk. What else? Yoga, tai chi, shiny balloons, flannel shorts, jogging, and mostly nobody bothering me. I have yet see a visible crimewave of a sketchy MacArthur park at sunset leaking here anytime soon. This park will be in a state of prettiness until the fountain stops.

I saw a goose.

Useful: 10  Funny: 19  Cool: 11

7/9/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Golden Saddle Cyclery – 2/5 Stars (Formerly 5/5 Stars)

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Golden Saddle Cyclery – 2/5 Stars (Formerly 5/5 Stars)

Golden Saddle Cyclery
$$ Bikes
1618 Lucile Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Updated review:

Wow, three phone calls and no one, neither the front sales nor the mechanic at Golden Saddle told me that they’d refuse to take anyone after 5pm today (Sunday). They close at 6pm. My handlebar tape is unfurling, I bought $20 tape prior at Golden Saddle and I get there at 5:15pm after calling an hour earlier desperately needing someone to help me, since I’ve epicly failed at doing this myself in the past.

I walk in. The front guy looked hesitant and told me that the mechanic does not take anyone after 5pm. This shocked me as I obviously would have come earlier had I been told this on the phone any of the three times I called. I called first to make sure the mechanic can do this today. He said he could. Second, to make sure I have the materials and whether I should strip the tape. No prob there. Third, price ($12).

The mechanic sees me and hesitates and looks frustrated. The first thing he does is argue that I came too late, how he told me to come A LOT earlier (I called at 4pm) and that he can’t help me out today. He kept emphasizing that he told me to come earlier. (“I TOLD you to come earlier.”) And he did say come as early as possible, but I didn’t realize coming an hour after my phone call would have been too late.

After realizing that having someone angry at me (again: “I TOLD you…”) would probably not result in a good handlebar taping, I said I’d go elsewhere and left. I am basically messing up my hands to get to work at Echo Park until I can find someone else who can help me.

Thank you so much on your insistence of enforcing rules I wasn’t aware existed, lack of willingness to help with a simple request and insisting it was my own fault. Fifteen minutes late makes a world of difference here.

Useful: 13  Funny: 13  Cool: 2

1/5/2014

Previous review:

My beloved Bicycle Kitchen was closed today for renovation and I had a flat tire. Being the only bicycle shop within vicinity, I had high hopes that they would have what I needed. They did! They sell $4 tube repair kits here and let me work on my bike for free, using their air pump and a thingamajig to remove the tires with (tire horn?). They even offered the bike stand on side alleyway outside.

The people who not only work here, but were getting repairs done, are legit bicyclists. Two guys were talking about meeting their sponsors riding in San Diego. Someone who works here mentioned that they go on early morning bike rides, which they were specifically talking about braving the 40 degreeish early-early morning winter LA weather. A lot of customers wearing bicycle spandex.

Really nice bicycle repair shop and good people. Definitely awesome and a lifesaver for letting me fix a flat here.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 1

1/7/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sushi Love Boat Kaisen – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Sushi Love Boat Kaisen – 5/5 Stars

Sushi Love Boat Kaisen
$$ Sushi Bars, Japanese
33215 Temecula Pkwy
Temecula, CA 92592

I really detest this glorified gas station town. I hate that my family fit in really well with the religious demographic that lives here. My family is the type that believes bad juju would happen if someone who’s unmarried sleeps in the same bed with someone else. Little sisters would get raped, god would instantaneously stop laying on the clouds atop of the Vatican and HOVER OVER MILLIONS OF STARVING PEOPLE AND CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY TO SHAKE HIS CONDEMNING FINGER AT MY PARENTS’ MCMANSION IN TEMECULA. And then it’s 100 degrees.

My family is new to the neighborhood and live less than a mile away from this sushi bar. A couple of years ago, they bought a million dollar foreclosure (listed at 1/3 of the original price) that was once a party house by some guy who owned an accounting company that went under during the height of the recession. My mom painted one of the little girls’ bedrooms gray and turned it into a storage closet.

Almost all of the neighbors who bought these million dollar houses in 2005 have since abandoned their houses too. By abandoning their houses, I mean the insides are gutted before the banks take them over, and the front lawns become progressively brown. And yet this posh sushi place (posh for Temecula) seems to stay in business for longer than a couple of years. Impressive. I am really surprised this gem of a sushi place is, well, really good, for such a crappy and depressed town. The portions are incredibly huge. I always get avocado rolls because the avocado is incredibly fresh. My mom gets bento boxes, with tempura. My dad gets salmon and tuna sushi which looks fresh. Everything is fresh and the service is always consistent. The waitresses apparently always ask for me. Not really.

Everyone gets a slice of orange at the end of their meals!

Useful:Funny: 14  Cool: 1

8/29/2012

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Network Solutions – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Network Solutions – 2/5 Stars

Network Solutions
Web Design
13861 Sunrise Valley Dr
Herndon, VA 20171

In Yelp terms: when a business calls me without me asking, minus one star.
Sends unsolicited emails me without me asking, minus one star.
Sends unsolicited dead tree mail, minus one star.

So: minus three stars. The fourth star will be removed once I receive a text message from them, or a homing pigeon.

Apparently Network Solutions has one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns ever known in the digital world. I wouldn’t blink an eye if someone told me that the same marketing company they use also runs quite a successful a collections agency. I made the supposed mistake of writing my own number and address after I purchased a domain name with them. The problem was unless I wanted to pay an extra $10 to have my domain registered under their PO Box number, having my address and name registered with a domain gives them agency to constantly bombard me with attempts to reach me, until I go through the processes not to.

Once you register a domain from this company, you will receive repeated calls from 855-881-9252 (they don’t leave voicemail) and you have to call them back to tell them to remove your number. They will not remove your number until you listen to them for two long minutes offering “free” business services with the domain and then indignantly telling you to how you could pass up on something free, no remove my number.

The next day, the emails come with the same offer. Considering network solutions is quite a high profile digital company, they make it as low tech as possible to unsubscribe to emails. When you click unsubscribe, they make you manually type in the email address even though it is really easy to make unsubscribing automatic with one click. Maybe since they’re located in rural Virginia, they hope the clientele will be as literate as the appalachian locals nearby. When I clicked after I typed the email, I received a thank you for unsubscribing.

How can a business thank someone for unsubscribing without sounding menacing about it? See photo:

The only enjoyable thing that this company provides is having my own name registered with a domain, which gives me agency to host it where I want to. Perhaps the best decision I have made was purchasing a five-year domain plan in order not to hear from these people again until 2017. But I don’t bet on it.

Useful:Funny:Cool: 0

12/14/2012

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cru – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Cru – 5/5 Stars

Cru – CLOSED
$$ Vegan, Vegetarian, Live/Raw Food
1521 Griffith Park Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

-CURRENTLY- CLOSED with the possibility of opening up again in the future (it didn’t reopen). Their storefront sign, menus and website are still up and their voicemail is still working.

I believe they are fighting with the owners of the property about staying open. So, as of November 13th, 2012, their furniture is still inside. There are also a bunch of papers taped on the front windows in caps-lock that address the locksmiths not to add new locks to the house without the manager’s approval.

The paper also states that:

They (not knowing who ‘they’ are) suspect a possible sale of illegal equipment belonging to the property. If you have been involved in such a sale, please call such and such number.

It sounds like a future court battle.

It makes me wonder what could a raw vegan place sell that would constitute being illegal. My first thought would be something that processes something else that’s illegally raw and vegan. Maybe growing equipment for something green and could be smoked in a non-medicinal way? 🙂

Who knows. But it seems lame and I hope Cru wins this battle and opens again soon. Their raw vegan food is very good. Their caesar salad is my favorite and incredibly rich and tasty.

Useful: 20  Funny:Cool: 5

11/13/2012

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Natura Spa – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Natura Spa – 3/5 Stars

Natura Spa – CLOSED
$$ Day Spas, Skin Care
3240 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90010

Natura Spa is basement level. Natura Spa is basement level. Natura Spa is basement level. I watched a video on how repetition is the key to memory. I had a Groupon for two here. I visit spas often with varying levels of Korean culture infused to each. I have a coworker who absolutely loves this place and I was probably going to visit based on her recommendation alone. She goes here often. It seems a lot of people who keep this afloat has seen its better days. After visiting here, I feel like I’ve seen better days myself.

When we entered, we were dropped off from an Uber into the grand driveway of an eerie dim building. It was reminiscent of that spooky old hotel in Downtown LA where they found a girl who drowned in the water tank after everyone was complaining about the rancid water. There is one light next to one desk with a security guard in the middle. He pointed to a cavern of plywood behind him amidst a massive construction project in the lobby. There is literally this 200 foot path made out of large 10 foot high plywood boards that one walks straight and then makes a sharp right that leads to one elevator door at the end of it.

The elevator only has floors listed, nothing else. Even the address on Yelp gives no clue to this floor of this spa. So I had to call the front desk of Natura Spa on my cell phone while standing in the elevator. Receptionist said basement. She hangs up. I literally press B and see her two seconds later when the door opens. Two guys who saw that we were clumsy at knowing our surroundings pushed in front of us and just walked through and past the reception area into the spa. I think they were regulars. The receptionist just kind of shrugged.

She took our Groupon and just kind of let us through with keys to lockers located at on opposite ends, no directions, nothing. I never been here before and I felt like I had to go through a bizarre rude awakening to what this spa was all about. First off, robes are not needed late at night. Robes are not only discouraged but forbidden in all of the men’s steam and sauna rooms. The gender-neutral relaxation area, which consists of recliners and television had only men. It was kind of an awful place. The sauna even had a television in it! Terrible. Even though I showered literally before I got to the spa, some guy in the sauna told me to get out of the hot tub and that I needed to shower. There is a sign that he pointed to, an incredibly specific sign that states everyone needs to shower in this room first. Fine.

Maybe it was because of that creepy hotel vibe I got, that I noticed that everyone there looked like they’ve been regulars here for years. They’ve all had their slow ritualistic zombie patterns, sitting in the hot tub, moving to the cold pool, then moving to the steam room. The entire area is one medium sized room that consisted of a steam room, sauna, few showers, a cold pool and an ice room. So you can watch everyone from everywhere you sit in this one room. And more importantly, they can watch you.

I spent 90 minutes here trying not to be a spa zombie and had a good enough and relaxing time as I do with all spas. But the televisions, the creepy hotel vibe at night, the hotel ‘regulars’ and more televisions, will make me avoid passing through the plywood maze to this place in the future.

Useful: Funny: 19  Cool: 4

7/15/2017

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: ASOS – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: ASOS – 4/5 Stars

ASOS
£ Women’s Clothing
House Hampstead Road
London NW1 2JP
United Kingdom

I don’t support ASOS’s sweatshop practices.
But I am a very cheap person.
So I support their sweatshop practices when I buy their clothes.
I mix and match Goodwill with ASOS.
I look like a rough diamond.

I wonder what would happen if I reported the two fucked up tank tops I’ve gotten and if that would get some of their poor Romanian or Polish sweatshop workers in England a paddling. One strap was shorter than the other. One XS tank top had a couple of more X’s added to the front of that. But still, that was tiny shell casings for a $3 sweatshop masterpiece. So awful…

ASOS is kind of elusive in Los Angeles and that’s kind of why I like shopping here. I’d be surprised if I spent a total of £50 here over the years. And those poor people probably got £5 out of that. ASOS has such an edgy and handsome fleet of jackets, sweaters, and tank tops – at the same time very simple or exceptionally attractive designs and colours, as if I found American Apparel clothes at Goodwill in LA and thank the hipster who got fat and had to give up his clothes. ASOS clothes also fit inside my mail slot.

Useful:Funny: 17  Cool: 3

8/27/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: AHF Wellness Center – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: AHF Wellness Center – 4/5 Stars

AHF Wellness Center – Western
Laboratory Testing, Walk-in Clinics
1811 N Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

Eat, pray, fuck. I’m a consistent fucker. I’ve fucked myself into LTRs. I’ve had maybe three or five or ten overreactions that led to me coming here. It’s either really obnoxious or responsible.

This place is consistently good. Consistently good means that in the experiences I’ve had here, all of them have gotten the job done (I might have had maybe 3 or 4 std tests) and for free. The people who work here range from really good to masochistic and aloof. Some nurse like jabbed me with a needle so deep and in a weird spot in my arm that it left a bruise. Another nurse with multi-colored hair grunted at me in sign-language, pointing to the pee cup and rectal swab and pointing to the tiny bathroom across the hall. “Where do I put these?” Pointing to a coral-colored plastic tub and back to the bathroom and back to the coral-colored plastic tub. A guy once asked me about my sexual past in a monotone, clinical voice and once he left the room, he got really enthusiastic and eccentric with his coworkers talking about going laser tagging.

Oh yeah, the workers behind the glass windows often talk shit to each other – sometimes about how they hope nobody else comes in. I am not sure why they think the closed glass windows are sound-proof but it’s pretty funny because they definitely don’t hold back their chagrin about working at the slutty men’s free clinic.

Oh and also, they are almost reticent about taking donations, so I assume they’re quite well-funded. The last time I was there, the front desk person was like flustered after this guy who wanted to give a donation asked about it. Mind you, this conversation is behind the magical sound-proof closed glass window that isn’t. She sounded almost frustrated, said that she can’t take the donations and the guy who accepts donations wasn’t there at the moment, and that she doesn’t know when he’ll be back. “So you won’t want to wait” but you can go to w w w dot something something something dot org and donate there … if you want.

It is located in the building on the left hand side. Go upstairs to Floor 4 and go to the end of the hallway at the farthest door. Give your ID to the front person for a second. Sign in your name. Fill out the paperwork. If you have symptoms and want to see a doctor to get meds, go earlier because there are less (or no) spots for the doctor. If you’re just going for testing, there is usually availability until about an hour before it closes. Wait time is usually about 15-40 minutes.

Useful: 15  Funny: 18  Cool: 10

4/16/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews:  The Art Institute of California – Hollywood – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: The Art Institute of California – Hollywood – 2/5 Stars

The Art Institute of California – Hollywood – CLOSED
Colleges & Universities, Art Schools, Cooking Schools
5250 Lankershim Blvd
North Hollywood, CA 91601

I sometimes teach here and it’s a bizarre place. I get lectured at by at least one security guard per tutoring session for helping do art.

As someone who teaches photography, video and web design here as a tutor, I feel bad for the students because there is no physical place here to make art. Of course you can schedule an appointment and do art at an Art Institute studio next Monday at 4 p.m. but if you’re feeling spontaneously creative, repress it or else! If you want to film or do a performance, you will have security coming out from inside the building telling you that there’s got to be explicit permission from head of the department to film outside in front of their campus or any of the adjacent buildings. So if you want to do a film project or do a performance, my suggestion to my students is to 1. be guerrilla, 2. do it fast or 3. do it elsewhere, or – or – or 3a. do it at the student apartment buildings as the administration regulating the security seem to be less concerned about the student buildings than they are in front of the commercial buildings. The parking garage is also off-limits.

Also the thing that I can’t get over about expensive for-profit art schools is that usually the people who come from families who make the least amount of money attend them. I recall a teacher telling my class once that the average family of an undergraduate that attends a UC school comes from a family with a WAY higher income than an average undergraduate that attends art school. I’m not trying to say that just teenagers from poor families are the ones who attend art school but it seems that paying A LOT of money and then saying “it’s what you make of it” is the impetus to receiving a good education here, per the positive reviews on Yelp, then I surmise that putting yourself in about $90,000 debt is well worth that kick in the butt to learn Photoshop.

Some people prefer fine dining.

 

Useful: 20  Funny:Cool: 9

12/7/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Guardian Arms Apartments – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Guardian Arms Apartments – 3/5 Stars

I really like living in this building. It’s the biggest building on Hollywood that is east of the 101 and it’s got such a morbid and colorful history. The Black Dahlia lived here. So did many drug addicts and bums, although they’re for the most part kicked out now. Back when it was a hotel in the 1950s, police brawled with the lushes that they kicked out for sleeping in the hallways. Old people die here, the coroner parks in front. Crazy people yelling at the top of their lungs have been escorted out of here by police. A suicide happened last year, someone jumped from one of the upper floors and was found on the alleyway next to Harvard & Stone. It’s a very big, dramatic, beautiful and solid Hollywood building. If there is a major earthquake (which will 90% likely happen before 2050), we will all survive due to how strong and well-built this thick concrete building is.

PROPERTY COMPANY:

With gentrification comes property companies foaming at the mouth, then high rent prices, and then an exodus of all of the crazy people that gave a story to this building. I have lived here for almost four years, before the new property company purchased this building and substantially increased rent prices, and the only thing I give credit to Polaris/M West Holdings is that they got rid of the roach infestation that Statewide Enterprises never could do. Literally, roaches used to crawl out of the drains en masse. Otherwise I really do not like Polaris/M West Holdings and think their whitewashing/gentrification project to this building is rather despicable.

I don’t know who these people are or if they even live in this area but they seem to have grand ideas on what they want done to this building and who they want living here. Last year, they offered $8,000+ to all of the occupied units to move out so that they could undergo construction on the building and make it into an ultra-posh dream building to justify the $500/month and climbing rent increases to each of the units. I am one of the few tenants that did NOT accept their $8,000 offer to move out. For those like me who didn’t accept the offer, we’d have an increase to our rent on top of the yearly rent control increase (thank goodness for rent control as Polaris/M West are extremely consistent when it comes to increasing my rent each year for as much as they can legally get). Ultimately, Polaris/M West reneged on the deal for the 30 or so units that agreed to move out, decided not to pay anyone but went through construction anyway.

They most recently replaced our sexy chaise lounges in the lobby with ugly business furniture. I could see them one day having a self-congratulatory presentation in our business lobby about this building’s million dollar turnover with their ‘aggressive leasing’, as I quote one of M West’s successful ‘case studies’ on their website. It would be complete with upwards graphs, corporate high fives and champagne before they go back to their big houses in the hills.

MANAGER:

Brent, haha, is not a jerk, but pretty damn flaky when it comes to maintenance requests. I believe he pays more attention to the many young women with small dogs who moved into the building in the past year, so good luck with getting repairs done if you’re not one of them! It’s funny to read all of these gushing five star reviews about him promptly emailing them back because he -never- -ever- -ever- emails me back. I am pretty damn courteous and respectful too. I try to be reasonable and not demanding, but unfortunately I am also not a girl, nor a girl that owns a small dog. The one time that he sent a maintenance guy to my unit, two out of three of the repairs that he made broke within a day. At least the leaky faucet stayed fixed.

Maintenance request fails:

  • Cracked window since mid 2014
  • Palm tree leaf and bamboo hitting/obstructing cracked window
  • Broken sink drain (maintenance guy came, fixed it, and it broke the next day)
  • Broken bathroom tile partition (maintenance guy oddly super glued it instead of screwing it back in, it fell off the next day)
  • Broken bathtub drain
  • Water pressure issues for hot water (biggest small issue)

Overall, I generally love this building, its colorful history, the people and the peaceful yet cool atmosphere that Polaris/M West is trying to kill and will likely stay here for a long time. Maybe I need to be more of a dick about it, but the repair requests are ones I can overlook on a day to day basis. I am hopeful that as for this avaricious property company that owns the building that ‘this too shall pass’.

Useful: 23  Funny: 14  Cool: 8

3/25/2015

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Saddleback College – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Saddleback College – 4/5 Stars

Saddleback College
Colleges & Universities
28000 Marguerite Pkwy
Mission Viejo, CA 92692

One of the most common things I overheard in suburban community colleges are rash plans for the future. “I’m planning on transferring to Berkeley after I make a 3.5 GPA and finish classes in …!” Four years later you find them at Saddleback. And Berkeley changed to CSU Fullerton. And 3.5 changed to barely a 2.7.

If you don’t move out of Orange County two years after high school, you will stay in Orange County for good. You become the manager of In-N-Out and all your best friends have children. Saddleback will stick to you like jelly to bread.

Saddleback is a decent place to go if you like jelly. Highlights of my time here include:

  1. Me running over two traffic cones and dragging them underneath my car on campus, not realizing they were underneath my car until somebody pointed.

  2. Me skipping three lectures per night class (on average) every semester to go see shows and managing to pass all classes with a flying 2.7 GPA.

  3. Me writing, editing and photographing for the school newspaper.

  4. Me driving too fast on campus and a cop bluffing to give me a ticket even though he had no proof I was speeding. Way to flaunt authority campus police.

  5. Me being the proud alumni of Mr. Lamb’s first photography class he’s ever taught. We had our final at his art studio in Laguna Beach. (I WAS a community college surrealist.)

  6. Me walking from the Mission Viejo Mall parking lot the first two weeks of class each Semester before enough people dropped out to find parking on campus.

  7. Me knowing a few people besides myself who transferred out of Saddleback. I still wonder about the rest of you.

My advice: Take the eight-week GE classes Saddleback offers and DON’T drop classes. That’s if you actually plan to one day leave Saddleback. Majority won’t.

Useful: 14  Funny: 21  Cool: 7

3/18/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: San Francisco State University – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: San Francisco State University – 2/5 Stars

San Francisco State University
Colleges & Universities
1600 Holloway Ave
San Francisco, CA 94132

I am terse when I tell people SF State is my alma mater. “What did you learn from here?” Um. I want to write this review in order to give a perspective for incoming high school seniors about how the departments are run here.

This is strictly about the departments.

SF State is underfunded in such a dire way, that all the departments I studied under have at least one course requirement in which you are paying tuition to do free manual labor for the school. These requirements by each department are called “praxis,” a “lab” or “volunteering for the community.” The idea is for people to gain practical experience WITHIN SF STATE, working within the department masked as an educational experience. The more time you put in, the higher your grade.

Bull. It’s work. It’s a faux internship. What you learn is how the faculty use you for the department’s personal gain and what the parameters are for safely achieving an A. I understand many new students fluctuate in and out of departments so fast that it’s easier to burden them with free labor when there is no money to adequately fund more faculty salaries. It’s also an absolute paradox that president Robert Corrigan makes a higher salary than governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with circumstances like these.

Consider going to SF State if you want to stay in San Francisco but REALLY REALLY KNOW what you want to do here because you will not graduate in four years if you don’t. Less than one out of every five incoming Freshmen graduate in four years. The only advisers are faculty during office hours. There are too many class requirements for each department while classes are so difficult to get into, and “praxis” or “lab” course requirements are inevitable. You’ll be spending your whole day editing [X]press, organizing the Holistic Health Library, setting up readings at The Poetry Center and helping artists install their art at the International Art Gallery before you get a chance to study for a midterm exam.

Ask yourself: is it worth the low tuition to attend a severely underfunded school?

Useful: 28  Funny:Cool: 7

3/1/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: MetroMD Institute of Regenerative Medicine – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: MetroMD Institute of Regenerative Medicine – 2/5 Stars

MetroMD Institute of Regenerative Medicine
Cosmetic Surgeons, IV Hydration, Nutritionists
11650 Riverside Dr
Studio City, CA 91602

I am positive that hundreds of these five star reviews were written by robots or aliens from ‘goldilocks’ planets high on space gas or something. These reviews make sugar taste bitter. And to be fair, the one star reviews sound like they were written by crazy people who are one step away from jumping from a tall building because a wrinkle got slightly worse after treatment.

I got the non-invasive PRP (platlet-rich plasma) hair injection here that stimulates hair growth. They basically take two vials of my blood, spun it in a machine to separate the platlet-rich plasma from the blood, to avoid blasting my hairline with ‘harmful metals’ that make the blood red and then inject the golden platlet-rich plasma into your scalp to stimulate hair growth.

I came into this place at 8am and was greeted by an empty office with a confused nurse. And then a confused IT guy. Both seemed like it was their first day of work. Neither were able to log onto the computer because their regular girl was apparently on vacation or something. I waited for fifteen minutes then asked the guy what’s up. He was flustered, and said he couldn’t log on to get my information. So he looked through the draws and found a piece of paper for me to sign instead.

_____x_____ assumes the risks of getting blood injected into his head.

While waiting some gym guy heavy on steroids quickly walked through the waiting room and poked his head into the doctor’s door. He then was pacing back and forth, bouncing up and down the walls and the nurse took him before me because he was a regular or something. I sat there and waited for another ten minutes while she finished up with him. She then took me in about twenty minutes after my appointment, put numbing cream over my hairline and gave me a very tiny headband with velcro that couldn’t sustain the circumference of my head and snapped in half. So she gave me one of her elastic hair ties instead.

She then had me sit on a chair and took my blood. Her needle was either dull or the tube was damaged and couldn’t take the blood but she quickly assumed I had low blood pressure so she jabbed the needle deeper into my arm. Let me tell you – jabbing that needle deep into my arm was one of the most painful shots I’ve ever got! She looked at me and assumed that I had a very low tolerance to pain and couldn’t take needles or something. Seriously, the injections that came after that into the scalp were nothing compared to Nurse Ratched’s needle. After figuring out that the actual needle was bad, she was like whoops – let’s try the other arm! I think this one was learning on the job or something. So finally she got vials, spun them and brought back the separated blood, one was light golden and the other was PINK, so the blood didn’t get completely separated. She quickly went behind me so I wouldn’t see that bit but I did.

She used something extremely similar to a tattoo gun and then a bunch of needle pricks containing the PRP and then it was done. Thanks to that incredibly painful failure of drawing my blood, the injections along the hairline were painless in comparison. She then gave me an up-sell speech about all of these nutrients that I need and how they conveniently sell them. I was told that I cannot sweat for 48 hours: by going to the gym, or washing my hair after treatment. She then of course said that more than one PRP treatment is needed (maybe if you’re completely bald – and even then it’s disputed online). I was like yeah whatever, and left.

As for the results, I am seeing peppered dots along my hairline which is pretty cool but if I get any kind of cosmetic treatment, I am going elsewhere. It is a pretty shoddily run place with inexperienced staff.

Useful: 32 Funny: 16 Cool: 6

12/9/2016

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Church of Scientology – 2/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Church of Scientology – 2/5 Stars

Church of Scientology of Los Angeles
Religious Organizations
4810 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90189

Usually when I ignore, shake my head at or say no to sales people, homeless people or marketing people on the street asking me for something, they respond by saying one of four things:

  1. thank you
  2. god bless you
  3. an insult or expletive
  4. you’re welcome

I got not one but three “you’re welcome” responses by three different Scientology recruiters here. I was walking westward on Sunset and as I passed by the first Scientology recruiter, I thought oh shit he’s going to say something, so I looked straight forward and towards the right at the street to not make eye contact. He told me to stop and I kept passing by and then yelled “you’re welcome!” A few seconds later, I saw a second and third recruiter about twenty feet after him. I thought since they saw that I had ignored the first guy they wouldn’t say anything, nope. If I had a change of heart about a fake religion, it would probably not have come from the Scientologist who sarcastically yelled “you’re welcome”! And lo and behold, recruiter number two and three yells “you’re welcome” almost a second apart. I didn’t say anything and kept walking. It was such a bizarre experience that I swore never to walk in front of their gaudy blue hospital-turned-church on Sunset again, at least at around 6 to 8pm.

Man I hate knocking Scientology because it is way too easy but apparently this Scientology center is run like an elementary school and I get not one, but three pitches of sarcasm from brainwashed man-children as I passed each one of them by. Maybe they’re new Scientologists themselves and in the larval stages of development, so their brainwashed minds reflect being in the schoolyard at recess, sticking their tongues out at people who can’t see the ‘Truth’! But this is not just a gripe, as I wanted to write this review in order to see if other people have had this same experience I had while walking on Sunset and warn people about being harassed here. Perhaps if they were trying to save me, then they must have had very poor guidance from a cosmic deity buzzing in their ear about how to successfully suck in new recruits from Sunset.

  • 1 star for having nice (non-recruiting) security guards on Fountain.

Useful: 23 Funny: 17  Cool: 6

6/14/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Foreign Currency Express – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Foreign Currency Express – 5/5 Stars

Foreign Currency Express
Currency Exchange
350 S Figueroa St
Los Angeles, CA 90071

Crap, I had my Halloween scare early. I didn’t know another ‘World Trade Center’ existed until today.

Well apparently the mall part of the World Trade Center building in Los Angeles is almost abandoned and in it resides this Foreign Currency Express. It felt eerie as I walked along this abandoned mall looking for Site 134. Everything within the mall is dim, stores are closed, windows are taped up and the brick floors are uniformly shiny, which looks strange when there is hardly anyone walking on them.

Very lightly scattered within the abandonment lie people walking in suits and lady suits at very far distances to each other. Nobody looked confused or discombobulated though they reminded me of September 11th business ghosts as they turned corners and disappeared into the walls. I didn’t know where they were going, but certainly not to the Foreign Currency Express. I was the only person in there.

I come in. I had only £6 (British Sterling). It’s been hanging out in my wallet for about two months. I didn’t know if they could take that little amount of money I had but they could! And they gave me roughly $8.50 back. The £5 bill was worth more than the £1 coin. They apparently hate coins, but still can exchange them. It took me no more than a minute to come in and out. Unlike Citibank’s $5 charge for the transaction or $2-3 at the airport, there was no commission or charge here. Perhaps it cost about one dollar for the difference between their rate and the actual exchange rate.

I used that $8.50 and bought a fancy burrito.

Useful: 8 Funny: 18 Cool: 6

10/30/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Fallas Paredes – 4/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Fallas Paredes – 4/5 Stars

Fallas Paredes
$ Discount Store
1533 N Vermont Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

I’ve spent a few minutes ruminating on what Fallas Paredes means. ‘Fallas’ translates to ‘Flawed/Defective/Failure’ in Spanish and ‘Paredes’ translates to ‘Walls’. The walls seem to not be ‘defective walls’ so it seems to have something to do with the goods. Maybe it means defective shit that doesn’t sell elsewhere so we sell it for really cheap kind of store en español – a House of Defective Shit.

SI! Fallas Paredes (House of Defective Shit) is a kind of Spanish Ross – ‘el Rosso’ as a handful of people that I know call it, but with defective shit. It kind of has what Ross has, but a notch more rustic and two notches less expensive. My friend picked up a pair of perfect-fitting and really nice light blue colored 29×32″ Levis jeans for $20 that didn’t pass inspection and had a defective stamp inside of them. To this day, we have no clue what is defective about the jeans.

I’ve gotten picture frames here for $5 or $6 with a less polished quality than the ones that Ross sells for $8 or $9. I’ve also gotten curtains here for $3. But what I am really a fan of is their dollar t-shirts. Yes, $1 t-shirts. They’re the type of t-shirts you can find along the storefronts of the Garment District in downtown Los Angeles but in the Los Feliz area. While a lot of them are quite crappy, there have been some gems I’ve found. They often receive rejected t-shirts from designers and companies for extremely discounted prices, for which they cut the tags of the original designer or brand. I found a cool-colored lemon chiffon yellow t-shirt that was originally a dud from Paul Frank (I believe) for $1. The material was incredibly nice and it fit perfectly. I also found a really nice faded white/burgundy cotton t-shirt, not designer, for $1. It’s one of my favorite t-shirts to this day.

They also sell nice tank tops and other t-shirts with prints for $3-7, which will offer the convenience of a lot less sifting through. But if you have time, check out the dollar racks! The only issue with this store is that there are NO DRESSING ROOMS! I repeat, NO DRESSING ROOMS! But they will not stop you if you want to be an exhibitionist and try stuff on in front of everyone. I recommend bringing a friend to block people from staring if taking off your shirt (or pants).

Useful: 15 Funny: 21 Cool: 10

7/4/2014

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Abaya Alternations – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Abaya Alternations – 5/5 Stars

Abaya Alterations – CLOSED
$ Sewing & Alterations, Accessories, Women’s Clothing
3233 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Many, many years ago, I had a Spanish grandmother. She died. She died. But before she did, I learned a lesson about accepting other people’s quirks.

Tata, we called her, was temperamental and expressive. After many years of being a Puerto Rican expat etching floral patterns on the ends of silverware at a factory in Brooklyn, she needed to find an outlet for her inner creative rage.

My mother was satan to her. Aunt Nilsa’s hair was set on fire. I smoked my first cigarette at 4 years old. She stuck a dildo in her mouth and jumped into a pool fully clothed.

And then one day she abruptly went to Florida from Brooklyn and had a heart attack on the plane. The passengers thought she was sleeping.

Therese fondly reminds me of my grandmother. So as someone who reminisces about the expressive temperament of old people, Therese still scares me. Keep it simple and uncomplicated and she won’t have a fit!

But if she does have a fit, remember her temperament perhaps indicates a fiery passion that also reveals how good she is at tailoring. She is as reasonably priced and as skilled as the tailors in the downtown garment district.

She may hate you if you challenge her but she doesn’t hold grudges. So don’t take it personal if she hates you because she won’t remember it (or you) the next day.

Useful: 10  Funny: 25  Cool: 6

4/28/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Psychic Horizons – 3/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Psychic Horizons – 3/5 Stars

Psychic Horizons
Supernatural Readings, Meditation Centers
972 Valencia St
San Francisco, CA 94110

I am quite a skeptic of this place because the whole idea of a psychic-training school rubs me counterclockwise. I always wondered whether the psychics at psychic horizons really knew I came in here as a farce.

I had a past life reading here once by a group of clairvoyant trainees in meditation. Please note: I was receptive and did not cloud perceptions with a closed mind. They didn’t give me anything relevant, really yet the information “is what I make of it” metaphorically. I know, I know.

In one hour, I learned I was once a boxer, a hunter, a seamstress, a potter, a mammy, an indigenous boy and an astroid barnacle. I also learned how open each layer of my aura was by specific percentages. That information served me no purpose nor relevance. I was given a cassette tape of my reading for future bemusement.

The school is a converted victorian home. The waiting room is upstairs. You can sign up for readings there. Student readings are $35 and other readings are upwards of $50. The introductory class is free. For zero dollars, you are taught how to meditate while sitting in a chair. They also teach you how to focus in the center of your head and envision healing lights to cleanse your energy.

If you’re amazed at the end, you’ll be cordially invited to sign up for the level one training program for quite a few hundred more dollars. I watched many people sign up and pay after sitting in their chairs, envisioning orbs. It changed their lives.

Useful: 17 Funny: 34 Cool: 9

1/13/2008

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp
Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Mornings Nights – 5/5 Stars

Chris G’s Best Yelp Reviews: Mornings Nights – 5/5 Stars

Mornings Nights – CLOSED
$ Coffee & Tea, Bagels
1523 Griffith Park Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

After reading Gilbert P.’s heart-wrenching one-star review about how his wife told him about the horror of being tragically dismissed by a barista because she wanted him to find the tape and hang up her flier, I wanted to counter his assertions about the rude staff by saying I love the cool and peaceful attitude of the people who work here.

The employees have the best dynamic of any coffee shop I’ve seen. They’re – like – all friends. I get the sense most of them really enjoy being there (some seem to even live here), and many of them seem to even hang out on the tables off-hours.

There is really no place like this in Los Angeles. Since the opening of the ‘Sunset Triangle’ plaza (the green polka dot tarp area with tables) as a public space to hang out in, it made this place all the more perfectly located. The tables are public (and not the coffee shop’s) but they bring food over to them and their free wifi travels to them. The coffee here is incredibly good and is the most reasonably priced in the area.

Iced coffee is delicious and $2!

Useful: 33 Funny: 5 Cool: 32

4/3/2013

Posted by Chris Girard in Yelp